Moonbeams from the Larger Lunacy, Stephen Leacock [best mobile ebook reader TXT] 📗
- Author: Stephen Leacock
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But just at this moment the door opened. A sturdy-looking man in blue entered. The Stranger’s voice was hushed at once. The excitement died out of his face. His manner all of a sudden was meekness itself.
“I was just coming,” he said.
“That’s right, sir,” said the man; “better come along and not take up the gentleman’s time.”
“Good-bye, then,” said the Stranger, with meek affability, and he went out.
The man in blue lingered behind for a moment.
“A sad case, sir,” he said, and he tapped his forehead.
“You mean—” I asked.
“Exactly. Cracked, sir. Quite cracked; but harmless. I’m engaged to look after him, but he gave me the slip downstairs.”
“He is under delusions?” we inquired.
“Yes, sir. He’s got it into his head that business in this country has all gone to pieces,—thinks it must be reorganized. He writes letters about it all day and sends them to the papers with imaginary names. You may have seen some of them. Good day, sir.”
We looked at our watch. We had lost just half an hour over the new efficiency. We turned back with a sigh to our old-fashioned task.
XI.—WHO IS ALSO WHO A Companion Volume to Who’s Who
Note by the editor: I do not quarrel with the contents of such valuable compendiums as “Who’s Who,” “Men and Women of the Time,” etc., etc. But they leave out the really Representative People. The names that they include are so well known as to need no commentary, while those that they exclude are the very people one most wishes to read about. My new book is not arranged alphabetically, that order having given great offence in certain social circles.
Smith, J. Everyman: born Kenoka Springs; educ. Kenoka Springs; present residence, The Springs, Kenoka; address, Kenoka Springs Post-Office; after leaving school threw himself (Oct. 1881) into college study; thrown out of it (April 1882); decided to follow the law; followed it (1882); was left behind (1883); decided (1884) to abandon it; abandoned it; resolved (1885) to turn his energies to finance; turned them (1886); kept them turned (1887); unturned them (1888); was offered position (1889) as sole custodian of Mechanics’ Institute, Kenoka Springs; decided (same date) to accept it; accepted it; is there now; will be till he dies.
Flintlock, J. Percussion: aged 87; war veteran and pensioner; born, blank; educated, blank; at outbreak of Civil War sprang to arms; both sides; sprang Union first; entered beef contract department of army of U. S.; fought at Chicago, Omaha, and leading (beef) centres of operation during the thickest of the (beef) conflict; was under Hancock, Burnside, Meade, and Grant; fought with all of them; mentioned (very strongly) by all of them; entered Confederate Service (1864); attached (very much) to rum department of quarter-master’s staff; mentioned in this connection (very warmly) in despatches of General Lee; mustered out, away out, of army; lost from sight, 1865-1895; placed on pension list with rank of general, 1895; has stayed on, 1895-1915; obtained (on 6th Avenue) war medals and service clasps; publications—“My Campaigns under Grant,” “Battles I have Saved,” “Feeding an Army,” “Stuffing the Public,” etc., etc.; recreations, telling war stories; favorite amusement, showing war medals.
Crook, W. Underhand: born, dash; parents, double dash; educated at technical school; on graduation turned his attention to the problem of mechanical timelocks and patent safes; entered Sing-Sing, 1890; resident there, 1890-1893; Auburn, 1894, three months; various state institutions, 1895-1898; worked at profession, 1898-1899; Sing-Sing, 1900; professional work, 1901; Sing-Sing, 1902; profession, 1903, Sing-Sing; profession, Sing-Sing, etc., etc.; life appointment, 1908; general favorite, musical, has never killed anybody.
Gloomie, Dreary O’Leary: Scotch dialect comedian and humorist; well known in Scotland; has standing offer from Duke of Sutherland to put foot on estate.
Muck, O. Absolute: novelist; of low German extraction; born Rotterdam; educated Muckendorf; escaped to America; long unrecognized; leaped into prominence by writing “The Social Gas-Pipe,” a powerful indictment of modern society, written in revenge for not being invited to dinner; other works—“The Sewerage of the Sea-Side,” an arraignment of Newport society, reflecting on some of his best friends; “Vice and Super-Vice,” a telling denunciation of the New York police, written after they had arrested him; “White Ravens,” an indictment of the clergy; “Black Crooks,” an indictment of the publishers, etc., etc.; has arraigned and indicted nearly everybody.
Whyner, Egbert Ethelwind: poet, at age of sixteen wrote a quatrain, “The Banquet of Nebuchadnezzar,” and at once left school; followed it up in less than two years by a poem in six lines “America”; rested a year and then produced “Babylon, A Vision of Civilization,” three lines; has written also “Herod, a Tragedy,” four lines; “Revolt of Woman, “two lines, and “The Day of Judgement,” one line. Recreation, writing poetry.
Adult, Hon. Underdone: address The Shrubbery, Hopton- under-Hyde, Rotherham-near-Pottersby, Potts, Hants, Hops, England (or words to that effect); organizer of the Boys’ League of Pathfinders, Chief Commissioner of the Infant Crusaders, Grand Master of the Young Imbeciles; Major-General of the Girl Rangers, Chief of Staff of the Matron Mountain Climbers, etc.
Zfwinski, X. Z.: Polish pianist; plays all night; address 4,570 West 457 Street, Westside, Chicago West.
XII.—PASSIONATE PARAGRAPHS
(An extract from a recent (very recent) novel, illustrating the new beauties of language and ideas that are being rapidly developed by the twentieth century press.)
His voice as he turned towards her was taut as a tie-line.
“You don’t love me!” he hoarsed, thick with agony. She had angled into a seat and sat sensing-rather-than-seeing him.
For a time she silenced. Then presently as he still stood and enveloped her,—
“Don’t!” she thinned, her voice fining to a thread.
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