Joe Miller's Jests, or The Wits Vade-Mecum, John Mottley and Joe Miller [top 10 books of all time txt] 📗

60. Sir B—ch—r W——y, in the Beginning of Queen Anne's Reign, and three or four more drunken Tories, reeling home from the Fountain-Tavern in the Strand, on a Sunday Morning, cry'd out, we are the pillars of the Church, no, by G—d, said a Whig, that happened to be in their Company, you can be but the Buttresses, for you never come on the Inside of it.

61. After the Fire of London, there was an Act of Parliament to regulate the Buildings of the City, every House was to be three Stories high, and there were to be no Balconies backwards: A Gloucestershire Gentleman, a Man of great Wit and Humour, just after this Act passed, going along the Street, and seeing a little crooked Gentlewoman, on the other Side of the Way, he runs over to her in great haste, Lord, Madam, said he, how dare you to walk the Streets thus publickly? Walk the Streets! why not! answered the little Woman. Because said he, you are built directly contrary to Act of Parliament, you are but two Stories high, and your Balcony hangs over your House-of-Office.

62. One Mr. Topham was so very tall, that if he was living now, he might be shewn at Yeate's Theatre for a Sight, this Gentleman going one Day to enquire for a Countryman a little Way out of Town, when he came to the House, he looked in at a little Window over the Door, and ask'd the Woman, who sat by the Fire, if her Husband was at Home. No, Sir, said she, but if you please to alight and come in, I'll go and call him.

63. The same Gentleman walking across Covent-Garden, was asked by a Beggar-Woman, for an Half-penny or Farthing, but finding he would not part with his Money, she begg'd for Christ's-Sake, he would give her one of his old Shoes; he was very desirous to know what she could do with one Shoe, to make my Child a Cradle, Sir, said she.

64. King Charles II. having ordered a Suit of Cloaths to be made, just at the Time when Addresses were coming up to him, from all Parts of the Kingdom, Tom Killigrew went to the Taylor, and ordered him to make a very large Pocket on one Side of the Coat, and one so small on the other, that the King could hardly get his Hand into it, which seeming very odd, when they were brought home, he ask'd the Meaning of it, the Taylor said, Mr. Killigrew order'd it so; Kelligrew being sent for, and interrogated, said, one Pocket was for the Addresses of his Majesty's Subjects, the other for the Money they would give him.

65. My Lord B——e, had married three Wives that were all his Servants, a Beggar-Woman, meeting him one Day in the Street, made him a very low Curtesy, Ah, God Almighty bless your Lordship, said she, and send you a long Life, if you do but live long enough, we shall be all Ladies in Time.

66. Dr. Tadloe, who was a very fat Man, happening to go thump, thump, with his great Legs, thro' a Street, in Oxford, where some Paviers had been at Work, in the Midst of July, the Fellows immediately laid down their Rammers, Ah! God bless you, Master, cries one of 'em, it was very kind of you to come this Way, it saves us a great deal of Trouble this hot Weather.

67. An Arch-Wagg of St. John's College, asked another of the same College, who was a great Sloven, why he would not read a certain Author called Go-Clenius.

68. Swan, the famous Punster of Cambridge, being a Nonjuror, upon which Account he had lost his Fellowship, as he was going along the Strand, in the Beginning of King William's Reign, on a very rainy Day, a Hackney-Coachman called to him, Sir, won't you please to take Coach, it rains hard: Ay, Friend, said he, but this is no Reign for me to take Coach in.

69. When Oliver first coined his Money, an old Cavalier looking upon one of the new Pieces, read the Inscriptions, on one Side was God with us, on the other, The Commonwealth of England; I see, said he, God and the Commonwealth are on different Sides.

70. Colonel Bond who had been one of King Charles the First's Judges, dy'd a Day or two before Oliver, and it was strongly reported every where that Cromwell was dead; No, said a Gentleman, who knew better, he has only given Bond to the Devil for his farther Appearance.

71. Mr. Serjeant G—d—r, being lame of one Leg; and pleading before Judge For—e, who has little or no Nose, the Judge told him he was afraid he had but a lame Cause of it: Oh! my Lord, said the Serjeant, have but a little Patience, and I'll warrant I prove every Thing as plain as the Nose on your Face.

72. A Gentleman eating some Mutton that was very tough, said, it put him in Mind of an old English Poet: Being asked who that was; Chau—cer, replied he.

73. A certain Roman-Catholick Lord, having renounced the Popish Religion, was asked not long after, by a Protestant Peer, Whether the Ministers of the State, or Ministers of the Gospel had the greatest Share in his Conversion: To whom he reply'd, that when he renounced Popery he had also renounced auricular Confession.

74. Michael Angelo, in his Picture of the last Judgment, in the Pope's Chappel, painted among the Figures in Hell, that of a certain Cardinal, who was his Enemy, so like, that everybody knew it at first Sight: Whereupon the Cardinal complaining to Pope Clement the Seventh, of the Affront, and desiring it might be defaced: You know very well, said the Pope, I have Power to deliver a Soul out of Purgatory but not out of Hell.

75. A Gentleman being at Dinner at a Friend's House, the first Thing that came upon the Table was a Dish of Whitings, and one being put upon his Plate, he found it stink so much that he could not eat a Bit of it, but he laid his Mouth down to the Fish, as if he was whispering with it, and then took up the Plate and put it to his own Ear; the Gentleman, at whose Table he was, enquiring into the meaning, he told him he had a Brother lost at Sea, about a Fortnight ago, and he was asking that Fish if he knew any thing of him; and what Answer made he, said the Gentleman, he told me, said he, he could give no Account of him, for he had not been at Sea these three Weeks.

I would not have any of my Readers apply this Story, as an unfortunate Gentleman did, who had heard it, and was the next Day whispering a Rump of Beef at a Friend's House.

76. An English Gentleman happening to be in Brecknockshire, he used sometimes to divert himself with shooting, but being suspected not to be qualified by one of the little Welch Justices, his Worship told him, that unless he could produce his Qualification, he should not allow him to shoot there, and he had two little Manors; yes, Sir, said the Englishman, every Body may perceive that, perceive what, cry'd the Welchman? That you have too little Manners, said the other.

77. The Chaplain's Boy of a Man of War, being sent out of his own Ship of an Errand to another; the two Boys were conferring Notes about their Manner of living; how often, said one, do you go to Prayers now, why, answered the other, in Case of a Storm, or any Danger; ay, said the first, there's some Sense in that, but my Master makes us pray when there is no more Occasion for it, than for my leaping over-board.

78. Not much unlike this Story, is one a Midshipman told one Night, in Company with Joe Miller and myself, who said, that being once in great Danger at Sea, every body was observed to be upon their Knees, but one Man, who being called upon to come with the rest of the Hands to Prayers, not I, said he, it is your Business to take Care of the Ship I am but a Passenger.

79. Three or four roguish Scholars walking out one Day from the University of Oxford, spied a poor Fellow near Abingdon, asleep in a Ditch, with an Ass by him, loaded with Earthen-Ware, holding the Bridle in his Hand, says one of the Scholars to the rest, if you'll assist me, I'll help you to a little Money, for you know we are bare at present; no doubt of it they were not long consenting; why then, said he, we'll go and sell this old Fellow's Ass at Abingdon, for you know the Fair is To-morrow, and we shall meet with Chapmen enough; therefore do you take the Panniers off, and put them upon my Back, and the Bridle over my Head, and then lead you the Ass to Market, and let me alone with the Old Man. This being done accordingly, in a little Time after the poor Man awaking, was strangely surprized to see his Ass thus metamorphosed; Oh! for God's-sake, said the Scholar, take this Bridle out of my Mouth, and this Load from my Back. Zoons, how came you here, reply'd the old Man, why, said he, my Father, who is a great Necromancer, upon an idle Thing I did to disoblige him, transformed me into an Ass, but now his Heart has relented, and I am come to my own Shape again, I beg you will let me go Home and thank him; by all Means, said the Crockrey Merchant, I don't desire to have any Thing to do with Conjuration, and so set the Scholar at Liberty, who went directly to his Comrades, that by this Time were making merry with the Money they had sold the Ass for: But the old Fellow was forced to go the next Day, to seek for a new one in the Fair, and after having look'd on several, his own was shewn him for a very good one, O, Ho! said he, what have he and his Father quarrelled again already? No, no, I'll have nothing to say to him.

80. Mr. Congreve going up the Water, in a Boat, one of the Watermen told him, as they passed by Peterborough House, that that House had sunk a Story; no, Friend, said he, I rather believe it is a Story raised.

81. The foresaid House, which is the very last in London one Way, being rebuilt, a Gentleman asked another, who lived in it? his Friend told him Sir Robert Grosvenor; I don't know, said the first, what Estate Sir Robert has, but he ought to have a very good one, for no body lives beyond him in the whole Town.

82. Two Gentlemen disputing about Religion, in Button's Coffee-House, said one of them, I wonder, Sir, you should talk of Religion, when I'll hold you five Guineas you can't say the Lord's Prayer, done, said the other, and Sir Richard Steele shall hold Stakes. The Money being deposited, the Gentleman began with, I believe in God, and so went cleverly thro' the Creed; well, said the other, I own I have lost; I did not think he could have done it.

83. A certain Author was telling Dr. Sewel, that a Passage he found fault with in his Poem, might be justify'd, and that he thought it a Metaphor; it is such a one, said the Doctor, as truly I never Met-a-fore.

84. A certain Lady at Whitehall, of great Quality but very little Modesty, having sent for a Linnen Draper to bring her some Hollands, as soon as the young Fellow enter'd the Room, O! Sir, said she, I find you're a Man fit for Business, for you no sooner look a Lady in the Face, but you've your Yard in one Hand, and are lifting up the Linnen with the other.

85. A Country Farmer going cross his Grounds in the Dusk of the Evening, spy'd a young Fellow and a Lass, very busy near a five Bar Gate, in one of his Fields, and calling to them to know what they were about, said the young Man, no Harm, Farmer, we are only going to Prop-a-Gate.

86. King Henry VIII. designing to send a Nobleman on an Embassy to Francis