Joe Miller's Jests, or The Wits Vade-Mecum, John Mottley and Joe Miller [top 10 books of all time txt] 📗

drawing his Sword, he whipt it thro' the fleshy Part of his Antagonist's Arm, 'till he brought the very Tears in his Eyes. This being done, and the Wound ty'd up with a Handkerchief; Come, says the Gentleman, now where shall I wound you? Jack putting himself in a fighting Posture, cried, Where you can, B——d Sir; Well, well, says the other, I can swear I received this Wound of you, and so march'd off contentedly.

185. A Traveller at an Inn once on a very cold Night, stood so near the Fire that he burnt his Boots: An arch Rogue that sat in the Chimney-Corner, call'd out to him, Sir, you'll burn your Spurs presently: My Boots you mean, I suppose: No Sir, says he, they are burnt already.

186. In Eighty-Eight, when Queen Elizabeth went from Temple-Bar along Fleet-street, on some Procession, the Lawyers were rang'd on one Side of the Way, and the Citizens on the other; says the Lord Bacon, then a Student, to a Lawyer, that stood next him, Do but observe the Courtiers; if they bow first to the Citizens, they are in Debt; if to us, they are in Law.

187. Some Gentlemen having a Hare for Supper at the Tavern, the Cook, instead of a Pudding, had cramm'd the Belly full of Thyme, but had not above half roasted the Hare, the Legs being almost raw; which one of the Company observing said, There was too much Thyme, or Time, in the Belly, and too little in the Legs.

188. Two Countrymen who had never seen a Play in their Lives, nor had any Notion of it, went to the Theatre in Drury-Lane, when they placed themselves snug in the Corner of the Middle-Gallery; the first Musick play'd, which they lik'd well enough; then the Second, and the Third to their great Satisfaction: At Length the Curtain drew up, and three or four Actors enter'd to begin the Play; upon which one of them cry'd to the other, Come, Hodge, let's be going, ma'haps the Gentlemen are talking about Business.

189. A Countryman sowing his Ground, two smart Fellows riding that Way, call'd to him with an insolent Air: Well, honest Fellow, says one of them, 'tis your Business to sow, but we reap the Fruits of your Labour; to which the plain Countryman reply'd, 'Tis very likely you may, truly, for I am sowing Hemp.

190. Two inseparable Comrades, who rode in the Guards in Flanders, had every Thing in common between them. One of them being a very extravagant Fellow, and unfit to be trusted with Money, the other was always Purse-bearer, which yet he gain'd little by, for the former would at Night frequently pick his Pocket to the last Stiver; to prevent which he bethought himself of a Stratagem, and coming among his Companions the next Day, he told them he had bit his Comrade. Ay, how? says they. Why, says he, I hid my Money in his own Pocket last Night, and I was sure he would never look for it there.

191. The famous Sir George Rook, when he was a Captain of Marines, quarter'd at a Village where he buried a pretty many of his Men: At length the Parson refus'd to perform the Ceremony of their Internment any more, unless he was paid for it, which being told Captain Rook, he ordered Six Men of his Company to carry the Corpse of the Soldier, then dead, and lay him upon the Parson's Hall-Table. This so embarass'd the Parson, that he sent the Captain Word, If he'd fetch the Man away, he'd bury him and his whole Company for nothing.

192. A reverend and charitable Divine, for the Benefit of the Country where he resided, caused a large Causeway to be begun: As he was one Day overlooking the Work, a certain Nobleman came by, Well, Doctor, says he, for all your great Pains and Charity, I don't take this to be the Highway to Heaven: Very true, my Lord, replied the Doctor, for if it had, I shou'd have wondered to have met your Lordship here.

193. Two Jesuits having pack'd together an innumerable Parcel of miraculous Lies, a Person who heard them, without taking upon him to contradict them, told 'em one of his own: That at St. Alban's, there was a Stone Cistern, in which Water was always preserv'd for the Use of that Saint; and that ever since, if a Swine shou'd eat out of it, he wou'd instantly die: The Jesuits, hugging themselves at the Story, set out the next Day to St. Alban's, where they found themselves miserably deceived: On their Return, they upbraided the Person with telling them so monstrous a Story; Look ye there now, said he, you told me a hundred Lies t'other Night, and I had more Breeding than to contradict you, I told you but one, and you have rid twenty Miles to confute me, which is very uncivil.

194. A Welchman and an Englishman vapouring one Day at the Fruitfulness of their Countries; the Englishman said, there was a Close near the Town where he was born, which was so fertile, that if a Kiboo was thrown in over Night, it would be so cover'd with Grass, that 'twould be difficult to find it the next Day; Splut, says the Welchman, what's that? There's a Close where hur was born, where you may put your Horse in over Night, and not be able to find him next Morning.

195. A Country Fellow in King Charles the IId's. Time, selling his Load of Hay in the Haymarket, two Gentlemen who came out of the Blue-Posts, were talking of Affairs; one said, that Things did not go right, the King had been at the House and prorogued the Parliament. The Countryman coming Home, was ask'd what News in London? Odsheart, says he, there's something to do there; the King, it seems, has berogued the Parliament sadly.

196. A wild young Gentleman having married a very discreet, virtuous young Lady; the better to reclaim him, she caused it to be given out at his Return, that she was dead, and had been buried: In the mean Time, she had so plac'd herself in Disguise, as to be able to observe how he took the News; and finding him still the same gay inconstant Man he always had been, she appear'd to him as the Ghost of herself, at which he seemed not at all dismay'd: At length disclosing herself to him, he then appear'd pretty much surpriz'd: a Person by said, Why, Sir, you seem more afraid now than before; Ay, replied he, most Men are more afraid of a living Wife, than a dead one.

197. An under Officer of the Customs at the Port of Liverpool, running heedlessly along a Ship's Gunnel, happened to tip over-board, and was drown'd; being soon after taken up, the Coroner's Jury was summoned to sit upon the Body. One of the Jury-Men returning home, was call'd to by an Alderman of the Town, and ask'd what Verdict they brought in, and whether they found it Felo de se: Ay, ay, says the Jury-Man shaking his Noddle, he fell into the Sea, sure enough.

198. One losing a Bag of Money of about 50l. between Temple-Gate and Temple-Bar, fix'd a Paper up, offering 10l. Reward to those who took it up, and should return it: Upon which the Person that had it came and writ underneath to the following Effect, Sir, I thank you, but you bid me to my Loss.

199. Two brothers coming to be executed once for some enormous Crime; the Eldest was first turn'd off, without saying one Word: The other mounting the Ladder, began to harangue the Crowd, whose Ears were attentively open to hear him, expecting some Confession from him, Good People, says he, my Brother hangs before my Face, and you see what a lamentable Spectacle he makes; in a few Moments, I shall be turned off too, and then you'll see a Pair of Spectacles.

200. It was an usual saying of King Charles II. That Sailors get their Money like Horses, and spent it like Asses; the following Story is somewhat an instance of it: One Sailor coming to see another on Pay-day, desired to borrow twenty Shillings of him; the money'd Man fell to telling out the Sum in Shillings, but a Half-Crown thrusting its Head in, put him out, and he began to tell again, but then an impertinent Crown-piece was as officious as it's half Brother had been, and again interrupted the Tale; so that taking up a Handful of Silver, he cry'd, Here, Jack, give me a Handful when your Ship's paid, what a Pox signifies counting it.

201. A Person enquiring what became of such a One? Oh! dear, says one of the Company, poor fellow, he dy'd insolvent, and was buried by the Parish: Died in solvent, crys another, that's a Lie, for he died in England, I'm sure I was at his Burying.

202. A humorous Countryman having bought a Barn, in Partnership with a Neighbour of his, neglected to make the least Use of it, whilst the other had plentifully stor'd his Part with Corn and Hay: In a little Time the latter came to him, and conscientiousily expostulated with him upon laying out his Money so fruitlessly: Pray Neighbour, says he, ne'er trouble your Head, you may do what you will with your Part of the Barn, but I'll set mine o' Fire.

203. An Irishman whom King Charles II. had some Esteem for, being only an inferior Servant of the Household, one Day coming into the King's Presence, his Majesty ask'd him how his Wife did, who had just before been cut for a Fistula in her Backside. I humbly thank your Majesty, replied Teague, she's like to do well, but the Surgeon says, it will be an Eye-Sore as long as she lives.

204. A young Gentlewoman who had married a very wild Spark, that had run through a plentiful Fortune, and was reduced to some Streights, was innocently saying to him one Day, My Dear, I want some Shifts sadly. Shifts, Madam, replies he, D—— me, how can that be, when we make so many every Day?

205. A Fellow once standing in the Pillory at Temple-Bar, it occasioned a Stop, so that a Carman with a Load of Cheeses had much ado to pass, and driving just up to the Pillory, he asked what that was that was writ over the Person's Head: They told him, it was a Paper to signify his Crime, that he stood for Forgery: Ay, says he, what is Forgery? They answered him, that Forgery was counterfeiting another's Hand, with Intent to cheat People: To which the Carman replied, looking up at the Offender, Ah, Pox! this comes of your Writing and Reading, you silly Dog.

206. Master Johnny sitting one Summer's Evening on the Green with his Mother's Chamber-maid, among other little Familiarities, as kissing, pressing her Bubbies and the like, took the Liberty unawares to satisfy himself whereabouts she ty'd her Garters, and by an unlucky Slip went farther than he should have done: At which the poor Creature blushing, cry'd, Be quiet, Mr. John, I'll throw this Stone at your Head, else. Ay, Child, says he, and I'll fling two at your Tail if you do.

207. When the Prince of Orange came over, Five of the Seven Bishops who were sent to the Tower declar'd for his Highness, and the other Two would not come into Measures; upon which Mr. Dryden said, that the seven Golden Candlesticks were sent to be essay'd in the Tower, and five of them prov'd Prince's Metal.

208. A Dog coming open-mouth'd at a Serjeant upon a March, he run the Spear of his Halbert into his Throat and kill'd him: The Owner coming out rav'd extreamly that his Dog was kill'd, and ask'd the Serjeant, Why, he could not as well have struck at him with the blunt End of his Halbert? So I would, says he, if he had run at me with his Tail.

209. King Charles the IId. being in Company with the Lord Rochester, and others of the Nobility, who had been drinking the best Part of the Night, Killegrew came in; Now, says the King, we shall hear of our Faults: No, Faith, says Killegrew, I don't care to trouble my Head with that which all the Town talks of.

210. A rich old Miser finding himself very ill, sent for a Parson to administer the last Consolation of the Church to him: Whilst the Ceremony was performing, old Gripewell falls into a Fit; on his Recovery the Doctor offered the Chalice to him; Indeed, crys he, I can't afford to lend you above twenty Shillings upon't, I can't upon my Word.

211. A Person who had