The Jest Book<br />The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings, Mark Lemon [e novels to read online .txt] 📗
- Author: Mark Lemon
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Kean once played Young Norval to Mrs. Siddons's Lady Randolph: after the play, as Kean used to relate, Mrs. Siddons came to him, and patting him on the head, said, "You have played very well, sir, very well. It's a pity,—but there's too little of you to do anything."
Coleridge said of this "little" actor: "Kean is original; but he copies from himself. His rapid descent from the hyper-tragic to the infra-colloquial, though sometimes productive of great effect, are often unreasonable. To see him act, is like reading 'Shakespeare' by flashes of lightning.[Pg 217] I do not think him thorough-bred gentleman enough to play Othello."
CMXCIII.—AMERICAN PENANCE.As for me, as soon as I hear that the last farthing is paid to the last creditor, I will appear on my knees at the bar of the Pennsylvanian Senate in the plumeopicean robe of American controversy. Each Conscript Jonathan shall trickle over me a few drops of tar, and help to decorate me with those penal plumes in which the vanquished reasoner of the transatlantic world does homage to the physical superiority of his opponents.—S.S.
CMXCIV.—A MONEY-LENDER.The best fellow in the world, sir, to get money of; for as he sends you half cash, half wine, why, if you can't take up his bill, you've always poison at hand for a remedy.—D.J.
CMXCV.—A BAD MEDIUM.A man, who pretended to have seen a ghost, was asked what the ghost said to him? "How should I understand," replied the narrator, "what he said? I am not skilled in any of the dead languages."
CMXCVI.—TAKING A HINT."How sweet a thing is charity,
The choicest gem in virtue's casket!"
"It is, indeed," sighed miser B.,
"And instantly I'll go and—ask it."
CMXCVII.—SWEARING THE PEACE.
An Irishman, swearing the peace against his three sons, thus concluded his affidavit: "And this deponent further saith, that the only one of his children who showed him any real filial affection was his youngest son Larry, for he never struck him when he was down!"[Pg 218]
CMXCVIII.—THE RULING PASSION.The death of Mr. Holland, of Drury Lane Theatre, who was the son of a baker at Chiswick, had a very great effect upon the spirits of Foote, who had a very warm friendship for him. Being a legatee, as well as appointed by the will of the deceased one of his bearers, he attended the corpse to the family vault at Chiswick, and there very sincerely paid a plentiful tribute of tears to his memory. On his return to town, Harry Woodward asked him if he had not been paying the last compliment to his friend Holland? "Yes, poor fellow," says Foote, almost weeping at the same time, "I have just seen him shoved into the family oven."
CMXCIX.—A SANITARY AIR.The air of France! nothing to the air of England. That goes ten times as far,—it must, for it's ten times as thick.—D.J.
M.—GRAFTING.Very dry and pithy too was a legal opinion given to a claimant of the Annandale peerage, who, when pressing the employment of some obvious forgeries, was warned, that if he persevered, nae doot he might be a peer, but it would be a peer o' anither tree!
MI.—A SHORT CREED.A sceptical man, conversing with Dr. Parr, observed that he would believe nothing that he did not understand. Dr. Parr, replied, "Then young man, your creed will be the shortest of any man's I know."
MII.—IN THE DARK.A Scotch lady, who was discomposed by the introduction of gas, asked with much earnestness, "What's to become o' the puir whales?" deeming their interests materially affected by this superseding of their oil.
MIII.—NOT TO BE TEMPTED."Come down, this instant," said the boatswain to a[Pg 219] mischievous son of Erin, who had been idling in the round-top; "come down, I say, and I'll give you a good dozen, you rascal!"—"Troth, sur, I wouldn't come down if you'd give me two dozen!"
MIV.—QUITE POETICAL.Harry Erskine made a neat remark to Walter Scott after he got his Clerkship of Session. The scheme to bestow it on him had been begun by the Tories, but (most honorably) was completed by the Whigs, and after the fall of the latter, Harry met the new Clerk, and congratulated him on his appointment, which he liked all the better, as it was a "Lay of the Last Ministry!"
MV.—CORPORATION POLITENESS.Was making his speech to the haughty Queen Bess,
"The Spaniard," quoth he, "with inveterate spleen,
Has presumed to attack you, a poor virgin queen,
But your majesty's courage soon made it appear
That his Donship had ta'en the wrong sow by the ear."
MVI.—A COMMON WANT.
In the midst of a stormy discussion, a gentleman rose to settle the matter in dispute. Waving his hands majestically over the excited disputants, he began:—
"Gentlemen, all I want is common sense—"
"Exactly," Jerrold interrupted, "that is precisely what you do want!"
The discussion was lost in a burst of laughter.
MVII.—LARGE, BUT NOT LARGE ENOUGH.The Rev. William Cole, of Cambridge, nicknamed the Cardinal, was remarkable for what is called a "comfortable assurance." Dining in a party at the University, he took up from the table a gold snuff-box, belonging to the gentleman seated next to him, and bluntly remarked that "It was big enough to hold the freedom of a corporation."—"Yes, Mr. Cole," replied the owner; "it would hold any freedom but yours."[Pg 220]
MVIII.—HENRY ERSKINE.Mr. Henry Erskine (brother of Lord Buchan and Lord Erskine), after being presented to Dr. Johnson by Mr. Boswell, and having made his bow, slipped a shilling into Boswell's hand, whispering that it was for the sight of his bear.
MIX.—EPITAPH ON A MISER.Here lies the worst of thieves,—who robbed himself.
MX.—SMART REPLY.
Some schoolboys meeting a poor woman driving asses, one of them said to her, "Good morning, mother of asses."—"Good morning, my child," was the reply.
MXI.—CALUMNY.George the Third once said to Sir J. Irwin, a famous bon-vivant, "They tell me, Sir John, you love a glass of wine."—"Those, sire, who have so reported me to your Majesty," answered he, bowing profoundly, "do me great injustice; they should have said,—a bottle!"
MXII.—LOVE.They say love's like the measles,—all the worse when it comes late in life.—D.J.
MXIII.—ANY CHANGE FOR THE BETTER.A very plain actor being addressed on the stage, "My lord, you change countenance"; a young fellow in the pit cried, "For heaven's sake, let him!"
MXIV.—TOO FAST.Two travellers were robbed in a wood, and tied to trees. One of them in despair exclaimed, "O, I am undone!"—"Are you?" said the other joyfully; "then I wish you'd come and undo me."[Pg 221]
MXV.—A REVERSE JOKE.A soldier passing through a meadow, a large mastiff ran at him, and he stabbed the dog with a bayonet. The master of the dog asked him why he had not rather struck the dog with the butt-end of his weapon? "So I should," said the soldier, "if he had run at me with his tail!"
MXVI.—A TRANSPORTING SUBJECT.The subject for the Chancellor's English Prize Poem, for the year 1823, was Australasia (New Holland). This happened to be the subject of conversation at a party of Johnians, when, some observing that they thought it a bad subject, one of the party remarked, "It was at least a transporting one."
MXVII.—HARD-WARE.A few years ago, when Handel's L'Allegro and Il Penseroso were performed at Birmingham, the passage most admired was,—
Drew iron tears down Pluto's cheek.
The great manufacturers and mechanics of the place were inconceivably delighted with this idea, because they had never heard of anything in iron before that could not be made at Birmingham.
MXVIII.—PAINTING AND MEDICINE.A painter of very middling abilities turned doctor: on being questioned respecting this change, he answered, "In painting, all faults are exposed to view; but in medicine, they are buried with the patient."
MXIX.—DOGMATISMIs pupyism come to its full growth.—D.J.
MXX.—SALAD.The pounded yellow of two hard boiled eggs;
[Pg 222] Two boiled potatoes, passed through kitchen-sieve,
Smoothness and softness to the salad give;
Let onion atoms lurk within the bowl,
And, half-suspected, animate the whole.
Of mordant mustard add a single spoon,
Distrust the condiment that bites too soon;
But deem it not, thou man of herbs, a fault,
To add a double quantity of salt.
And, lastly, o'er the flavored compound toss
A magic soup-spoon of anchovy sauce.
O green and glorious!—O herbaceous treat!
'T would tempt the dying anchorite to eat;
Back to the world he'd turn his fleeting soul,
And plunge his fingers in the salad-bowl!
Serenely full, the epicure would say,
"Fate cannot harm me, I have dined to-day!"
MXXI.—ACTOR.
A member of one of the dramatic funds was complaining of being obliged to retire from the stage with an income of only one hundred and fifty pounds a year, upon which an old officer, on half-pay, said to him: "A comedian has no reason to complain, whilst a man like me, crippled with wounds, is content with half that sum."—"What!" replied the actor; "and do you reckon as nothing the honor of being able to say so?"
MXXII.—EPIGRAM.For his creditors find he has nothing to pay.
MXXIII.—CANDID ON BOTH SIDES.
"I rise for information," said a member of the legislative body. "I am very glad to hear it," said a bystander, "for no man wants it more."
MXXIV.—CARROTS CLASSICALLY CONSIDERED.(I note it here in charity),
Had taste in beauty, and with them
The Graces were all Χαριται!
[Pg 223] MXXV.—DOING HOMAGE.
Returning from hunting one day, George III. entered affably into conversation with his wine-merchant, Mr. Carbonel, and rode with him side by side a considerable way. Lord Walsingham was in attendance; and watching an opportunity, took Mr. Carbonel aside, and whispered something to him. "What's that? what's that Walsingham has been saying to you?" inquired the good-humored monarch. "I find, sir, I have been unintentionally guilty of disrespect; my lord informed me that I ought to have taken off my hat whenever I addressed your Majesty; but your Majesty will please to observe, that whenever I hunt, my hat is fastened to my wig, and my wig is fastened to my head, and I am on the back of a very high-spirited horse, so that if anything goes off we must all go off together!" The king laughed heartily at this apology.
MXXVI.—SYDNEY SMITH SOPORIFIC.A lady complaining to Sydney Smith that she could not sleep,—"I can furnish you," he said, "with a perfect soporific. I have published two volumes of Sermons; take them up to bed with you. I recommended them once to Blanco White, and before the third page—he was fast asleep!"
MXXVII.—EPIGRAM.(On ——'s ponderous speeches.)
The House would most willingly spare them;
For it finds they possess such remarkable weight,
That it's really a trouble to bear them.
MXXVIII.—GOOD AT A PINCH.
A severe snow-storm in the Highlands, which lasted for several weeks, having stopped all communication betwixt neighboring hamlets, snuff-takers were reduced to their last pinch. Borrowing and begging from all the neighbors within reach were resorted to, but this soon failed, and all were alike reduced to the extremity which[Pg 224] unwillingly abstinent snuffers alone know. The minister of the parish was amongst the unhappy number; the craving was so intense, that study was out of the question. As a last resort, the beadle was despatched through the snow, to a neighboring glen in the hope of getting a supply; but became back as unsuccessful as he went. "What's to be dune, John?" was the minister's pathetic inquiry. John shook his head, as much as to say that he could not tell; but immediately thereafter started up, as if a new idea had occurred
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