The Jest Book<br />The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings, Mark Lemon [e novels to read online .txt] 📗

Owen Moore has run away,
Owing more than he can pay.
[Pg 249] MCXLVIII.—LEGAL EXTRAVAGANCE.

"Hurrah! Hurrah!" cried a young lawyer, who had succeeded to his father's practice, "I've settled that old chancery suit at last."—"Settled it!" cried the astonished parent, "why I gave you that as an annuity for your life."

MCXLIX.—A CLAIM ON THE COUNTRY.

"As you do not belong to my parish," said a clergyman to a begging sailor, with a wooden leg, "you cannot expect that I should relieve you."—"Sir," said the sailor, with a noble air, "I lost my leg fighting for all parishes."

MCL.—PLAIN SPEAKING.

George II., who was fond of Whiston the philosopher, one day, during his persecution, said to him, that, however right he might be in his opinions, he had better suppress them. "Had Martin Luther done so," replied the philosopher, "your majesty would not have been on the throne of England."

MCLL.—THE PLURAL NUMBER.

A boy being asked what was the plural of "penny," replied, with great promptness and simplicity, "two-pence."

MCLII.—MAULE-PRACTICE.

A man having broken open a young lady's jewel-case (the offence was differently described in the indictment), pleaded that he had done so with consent. "In the future," said Mr. Justice Maule, "When you receive a lady's consent under similar circumstances, get it, if possible, in writing."

MCLIII.—VERY LIKELY.

An English officer lost his leg at the battle of Vittoria, and after suffering amputation with the greatest courage, thus addressed his servant who was crying, or pretending to cry, in one corner of the room, "None of your hypocritical tears, you idle dog; you know you are very glad,[Pg 250] for now you will have only one boot to clean instead of two."

MCLIV.—MUCH ALIKE.

A sailor was asked, "Where did your father die?"—"In a storm," answered the sailor. "And your grandfather?"—"He was drowned."—"And your great-grandfather?"—"He perished at sea."—"How, then," said the questioner, "dare you go to sea, since all your ancestors perished there? You needs must be very rash."—"Master," replied the sailor, "do me the favor of telling me where your father died?"—"Very comfortably in a bed."—"And your forefathers?"—"In the same manner,—very quietly in their beds."—"Ah! master," replied the sailor, "how, then, dare you go to bed, since all your ancestors died in it?"

MCLV.—A GOOD WIFE.

A very excellent lady was desired by another to teach her what secrets she had to preserve her husband's favor. "It is," replied she, "by doing all that pleases him, and by enduring patiently all that displeases me."

MCLVI.—WELLINGTON SURPRISED.

A nobleman ventured, in a moment of conviviality at his grace's table, to put this question to him: "Allow me to ask, as we are all here titled, if you were not surprised at Waterloo?" To which the duke responded, "No; but I am now."

MCLVII.—TOO CLEVER.

A country boy endeavored, to the utmost of his power, to make himself useful, and avoid being frequently told of many trifling things, as country lads generally are. His master having sent him down stairs for two bottles of wine, he said to him, "Well, John, have you shook them?"—"No, sir; but I will," he replied, suiting the action to the word.

MCLVIII.—A LIGHT JOKE.

An eminent tallow-chandler was told that after his candles[Pg 251] were burned down to the middle, not one of them would burn any longer. He was at first greatly enraged at what he deemed a gross falsehood; but the same evening he tried the experiment at home, and found it to be a fact, "that when burned to the middle, neither candle would burn any longer."

MCLIX.—A REBUKE.

A braggart, whose face had been mauled in a pot-house brawl, asserted that he had received his scars in battle. "Then," said an old soldier, "be careful the next time you run away, and don't look back."

MCLX.—A MODEL PHILANTHROPIST.

"Bobby, what does your father do for a living?"—"He's a philanthropist, sir."—"A what?"—"A phi-lan-thro-pist, sir,—he collects money for Central America, and builds houses out of the proceeds."

MCLXI.—GREAT CABBAGE.

A foreigner asked an English tailor how much cloth was necessary for a suit of clothes. He replied, twelve yards. Astonished at the quantity, he went to another, who said seven would be quite sufficient. Not thinking of the exorbitancy even of this demand, all his rage was against the first tailor: so to him he went. "How did you dare, sir, ask twelve yards of cloth, to make me what your neighbor says he can do for seven?"—"Lord, sir!" replied the man, "my neighbor can easily do it, he has but three children to clothe, I have six."

MCLXII.—TRUE AND FALSE.

A beggar asking alms under the name of a poor scholar, a gentleman to whom he applied himself, asked him a question in, Latin. The fellow, shaking his head, said he did not understand him. "Why," said the gentleman, "did you not say you were a poor scholar?"—"Yes," replied the other, "a poor one indeed, sir, for I do not understand one word of Latin."[Pg 252]

MCLXIII.—NOT QUITE CORRECT.

A huntsman, reported to have lived with Mr. Beckford, was not so correct in his conversation as he was in his professional employments. One day when he had been out with the young hounds, Mr. B. sent for him, and asked what sport he had had, and how the hounds behaved. "Very great sport, sir, and no hounds could behave better."—"Did you run him long?"—"They run him up-wards of five hours successfully."—"So then you did kill him?"—"O no, sir; we lost him at last."

MCLXIV.—A FOOL CONFIRMED.

Dr. Parr, who was neither very choice nor delicate in his epithets, once called a clergyman a fool, and there was probably some truth in his application of the word. The clergyman, however, being of a different opinion, declared he would complain to the bishop of the usage. "Do so," added the learned Grecian, "and my Lord Bishop will confirm you."

MCLXV.—PLEASANT.

A country dentist advertises that "he spares no pains" to render his operations satisfactory.

MCLXVI.—ALERE FLAMMAN.

Mrs. B—— desired Dr. Johnson to give his opinion of a new work she had just written, adding, that if it would not do, she begged him to tell her, for she had other irons in the fire, and in case of its not being likely to succeed, she could bring out something else. "Then," said the doctor, after having turned over a few of the leaves, "I advise you, madam, to put it where your other irons are."

MCLXVII.—ORATORY.

At the time when Sir Richard Steele was preparing his great room in York Buildings for public orations, he was behindhand in his payments to the workmen; and coming one day among them, to see what progress they made, he ordered the carpenter to get into the rostrum, and speak anything that came uppermost, that he might observe how[Pg 253] it could be heard. "Why then, Sir Richard," says the fellow, "here have we been working for you these six months, and cannot get one penny of money. Pray, sir, when do you mean to pay us?"—"Very well, very well," said Sir Richard; "pray come down; I have heard quite enough; I cannot but own you speak very distinctly, though I don't much admire your subject."

MCLXVIII.—SOLDIERS' WIVES.

The late Duchess of York having desired her housekeeper to seek out a new laundress, a decent-looking woman was recommended to the situation. "But," said the housekeeper, "I am afraid she will not suit your royal highness, as she is a soldier's wife, and these people are generally loose characters!"—"What is it you say?" said the duke, who had just entered the room, "a soldier's wife! Pray, madam, what is your mistress? I desire that the woman may be immediately engaged."

MCLXIX.—NO JOKE.

A gentleman, finding his grounds trespassed on and robbed, set up a board in a most conspicuous situation, to scare offenders, by the notification that "Steel-traps and Spring-guns are set in these Grounds";—but finding that even this was treated with contempt, he caused to be painted, in very prominent letters, underneath,—"No Joke, by the Lord Harry!" which had the desired effect.

MCLXX.—A GOOD LIKENESS.

A person who had often teased another ineffectually for subscriptions to charitable undertakings, was one day telling him that he had just seen his picture. "And did you ask it for a subscription?" said the non-giver. "No, I saw no chance," replied the other; "it was so like you."

MCLXXI.—CUTTING AN ACQUAINTANCE.

George Selwyn, happening to be at Bath when it was nearly empty, was induced, for the mere purpose of killing time, to cultivate the acquaintance of an elderly gentleman[Pg 254] he was in the habit of meeting at the Rooms. In the height of the following season, Selwyn encountered his old associate in St. James's street. He endeavored to pass unnoticed, but in vain. "What! don't you recollect me?" exclaimed the cuttee. "I recollect you perfectly," replied Selwyn; "and when I next go to Bath, I shall be most happy to become acquainted with you again."

MCLXXII.—VERY SHOCKING, IF TRUE.

At a dinner-party, one of the guests used his knife improperly in eating.