Colonel Chuckles, Scorpio *** [superbooks4u TXT] 📗

Suddenly I felt that he had totally forgotten Malayalam. ‘Than vallathum Kazicho?’ I asked him.

“ Ohh I am through had some bread rolls and spaghetti, hope u had your bite?

I said coolly ‘yes’ though I didn’t have my lunch yet.

“That stocky moron in that Milma shop told me he didn’t have yogurt. I know very well it is available in Milma. Ho cooked my lunch, idiot”

I was thoroughly flabbergasted. I could see shining stars on the sky at 2 pm! Who ever said nothing is impossible is absolutely right, though I have been doing it for years. I just couldn’t believe, is it the same stupid guy I knew well for last 40 years.

He continued “I had to stroll all the way for 10 minutes to get couple of bottles pointing me to the mineral water on the table. You know Dude! You have to be very careful with your water, good for health”

Is he the same man who stands with me at the thattukada in front of south gate of Secretariat and sip the hot ‘without tea’ made from which water purifier plant, God alone knows!.

“Hey I am back in a whisker please get a cab we will go for a ride” he went to the bathroom. I thought he is having a shower. I am mistaken; in two minutes he was back ‘fast work?’ I quizzed “ this shitty Deo is almost over, Ok for now” The chocolate fragrance of Axe pierced my nose.

“Cab? You mean taxi?”

‘’ya ya. This stupid town is full of dust. Must sue the Tvm Corporation for air pollution’’.

I went out to the road and got a passing taxi. We got into an old Ambassador. I saw him carrying his suitcase still having stickers of Lufthansa and Emirates.

 “Hey I can’t sleep here! I am going to check in Muthoot plaza. Miserable without AC you agree?” I nodded

“Hey I have brought some candies and cookies for you man, will give to you once we are in a comfortable joint. Hey can’t we get an AC car damn it?” I replied ‘I dunno’ Probably he might have got the wind of my annoyance. May be to break the ice he said, “When I was in US..”I stopped him in between ‘Now we are in India in Tvm”

“Ya ya sorry Man ” Man! Still am I his Man ?

He asked the driver “How much is the fuel now? Dollars per gallon? Really pathetic expression of the driver is still cropping up!

While the car was taking a turn and entering the highway he asked, “ohh we are on the Freeway?” “No we are on the One Way!’ I retorted.

“Hey by the by don’t you tweet?” another puzzle

‘What? Sweet?’

“No tweet. I am a follower of Sashi Tharoor. He is awesome!”

It is limit! I told him ‘ sorry I forgot. I have to be at Saddy’s office at 4 pm for a meeting, otherwise he will bash me up. See u at Muthoot plaza while my way back’

“ No probs I will take care of my self. Have to sleep, the jetlag is still bugging me”. Jetlag even after a month of arrival!

Oh God! Please save the country and me from these American Indians!

Beware daughters! If your father or father-in-law babysits in US for another year he would be the President of US

Col’s Tweet  

“ Conserve Water:To conserve water: Do not run water while brushing your teeth. It is unnecessary to waste water while brushing your teeth. Only run the water when rinsing your brush. It is a habit one can acquire easily and can be done for the rest of your life! “

10   A bizarre Interview

I think it was in 1994.  A space agency had advertised for engineers who had hands down experience in communications for consideration to be trained   for their moon mission. It also said Defence Services officers with over 20 years of service would have added advantage. Chandrayan was not even in the conceptual stage at that time.

I thought for a while, for I fulfill all the three QRs, Engineer (though my Electrical Engg knowledge was BER (beyond economical repair), Communication experience and Defence background. I realized that I stand a good chance provided no other ex defence personnel with similar qualifications applied. I kept this info with myself and sent the application with the best possible CV got written by Naukari.com.

After about a month I got a call letter for the interview on next Monday at 11 am.  I didn’t mention this even to my wife for I wished to give her pleasant surprise that I am selected to go to the Moon.

On Monday, I got dressed in black trousers, Siachen white shirt and Defence Services Staff College tie with the 20 Division lapel pin. Also got my hair dyed the previous day at Mascot spending Rs 350. So I was in a very presentable form, I said to my self.

I reached reception at 10.45 AM. I am always 15 minutes ahead of time! I got a shock there to see two other ex defence clots, bulky and baldy Col in his Olive green Blazer and skinny and graying Wg Cdr Mohan wearing a combination with the lovely Air force coat and Tie. I muttered myself “ I should have had that DSSC blazer”.

Promptly at 11 the interview started. It was I to go in first. I took only 20 minutes. Then went in Mohan Kumar. He was back in 30 minutes. Lastly Col was called. We waited for him to be back soon. It took about one hour before he came out with a triumphant look. He said, "Hi we all go to Mascot and celebrate"

In the bar, sipping chilled Foster beer I said “I did well, they offered me 5 lakhs and I agreed”

Mohan said “ you are a Kaddu! I asked for 10 and they agreed”. The Col had a hearty laugh then and said “Insha Alla I beat you both here.  They are paying me 15 lakhs.”

“Ohh great! How could you manage? What will u do with this yar?” Mohan could not control himself. I also felt bit miserable.

Col continued “Hi it took 30 minutes of arguments to settle the trade with that moron of the Interview Committee chairman to agree for 5 lakhs to select me only”. 

“Then you have another 10 lakh? Asked Mohan in disbelief.

Pointing at me he said “ That is simple I take home 5 lakhs, I give   5 lakh to this idiot who is going to Moon instead of me. That I got included in the trade agreement with the Chairman of the Interview Committee, Hope he doesn’t ditch me!  I am also giving him a painting of my own!

Totally perplexed Mohan said to Col “ you are a genius yar ! At this rate you would have sold Indian Army for 10 million dollors if you continued there! 

Col’s Tweet

Education is what is left after you have forgotten all that you have been taught”

11   Don’t Play with Fire!

A management expert from IIM Ahmedabad recently hired by Anderson Consulting and Col were sitting next to each other in a flight from Bomaby to London.

The ever effervescent IIM guy introduced himself “ I’m Goldie from IIM” Col replied in his usual who cares style ”I am Paddy,from IMA”. For a moment the expert got lost. “Ohh! you are a medical man from Indian Medical Association”

“ No I am a Col from Indian Military Academy” Col said rather curtly. The young IIM felt bit belittled. He kept quiet for few minutes in deep thoughts. The young expert somehow didn’t like Col’s couldn’t careless attitude. He leaned over to Col and asked if he would like to play a fun game. Col just wanted to take a nap and so he declined the offer and rolled over to the window to catch a few wink.

The young guy won’t leave him, persisted and explained that the game was real easy and lots of fun. He explained, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me Rs 10. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you Rs20 Ok” Again, Col declined the offer showing a bit of disgust and tried to get back to slumber.

The expert now got really agitated, He said "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me Rs 10, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you 100" This caught Col’s attention, and he saw no end to this torment unless he played, so he agreed to the game.

The expert asked the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Col didn’t say a word, but reached into his wallet, pulled out a 10 rupee note and handed it to the   expert

Now, it was Col’s turn. He asked, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?" The expert looked up at him with a puzzled look. He took out his laptop computer and searched all of his references. He taped into the ear phone with his modem and searched the net and possible sites. Frustrated, he sent e-mails to his co-workers all to no avail. After about an hour, he woke up Col and handed him Rs 100. Col took the 100-rupee note with his characteristic smile and went back to sleep. The expert couldn’t bear any more. He woke up Col and asked, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?" With out a word Col calmly pulled out his wallet, handed the expert a new 10-rupee note and went back snoring.

Don’t ever think that an Army Officer can be fooled around !

Col’s Tweet

“Some people have no respect for age unless it’s bottled.”

12  Col is too sharp!

Col though got qualified for Defence Services Staff College Entrance Exam in the first attempt itself had a terrible time while he was doing the JC Sigs with me which was purely technical in nature. The final examination on   communications included a set of "yes/No" type questions. He had tried to mug up answers for more than 200 probable questions the previous night making my sleep miserable by keeping the two powerful lights on !

Col (then Major of course) took his seat in the examination hall with the scientific calculator newly purchased. I could see him staring at the question paper motion less for five minutes and his facial expression suggested that he was in real trouble. He looked at me desperately and I gesticulated my helplessness to prompt him something as I was seated little away..

In a fit of inspiration, he took his purse out from his hip pocket and removed a shining one rupee coin and started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tail, I presumed. Within half an hour he had done all the 60 questions whereas the rest of the class was still sweating it out. He gave me a triumphant look!   As per the probability theory there was 50.0001% chance that he would get the pass mark fixed at 30 I thought! I appreciated his presence of mind and showed him thumsup in style which I think he liked!

During the last few minutes, I saw him desperately throwing the coin again and again muttering and sweating. I could see the alarmed invigilator approaching him and asking him what was going on. Very confidently Col answered " Sir you must have seen me finishing the whole thing in half an hour. I thought it better to recheck my answers in the last minute”

Col’s Tweet  

“An autobiography is the story of how a man thinks he lived.”

13  Col’s famous exploit !

This one was narrated to me by Col as one of his most famous  exploits. You can fix the percentage of discount knowing the Col well by