The Jest Book<br />The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings, Mark Lemon [e novels to read online .txt] 📗
- Author: Mark Lemon
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I physics, bleeds, and sweats 'em;
If after that they like to die,
Why, what care I, I Lettsom.
MCCCXXIV.—EQUITABLE LAW.
A rich man made his will, leaving all he had to a company of fellow-citizens to dispose of, but reserving to his right heir "such a portion as pleased them." The heir having sued the company for his share of the property, the judge inquired whether they wished to carry out the will of the testator, and if so, what provision they proposed making for the heir? "He shall have a tenth part," said they, "and we will retain for ourselves the other nine."—"Take, then," said the judge, "the tenth part to yourselves, and leave the rest to the heir; for by the will he is to have what part 'pleaseth you.'"
MCCCXXV.—IRISH AND SCOTCH LOYALTY.When George the Fourth went to Ireland, one of the "pisintry" said to the toll-keeper as the king passed through, "Och, now! an' his majesty never paid the turnpike, an' how's that?"—"O, kings never does; we lets 'em go free," was the answer. "Then there's the dirty money for ye," says Pat; "It shall never be said that the king came here, and found nobody to pay the turnpike for him." Tom Moore told this story to Sir Walter Scott, when they were comparing notes as to the two royal visits. "Now, Moore," replied Scott, "there ye have just the advantage of us: there was no want of[Pg 291] enthusiasm here; the Scotch folk would have done anything in the world for his majesty, except pay the turnpike."
MCCCXXVI.—RUNNING ACCOUNTS.The valet of a man of fashion could get no money from him, and therefore told him that he should seek another master, and begged he would pay him the arrears of his wages. The gentleman, who liked his servant, and was desirous of keeping him, said, "True, I am in your debt, but your wages are running on."—"That's the very thing," answered the valet; "I am afraid they are running so fast, that I shall never catch them."
MCCCXXVII.—ON BLOOMFIELD, THE POET.Ensures continuance to thy fame;
Both sense and truth this verdict give.
While fields shall bloom, thy name shall live!
MCCCXXVIII.—SCOTCHMAN AND HIGHWAYMEN.
A Scotch pedestrian, attacked by three highwaymen, defended himself with great courage, but was at last overpowered, and his pockets rifled. The robbers expected, from the extraordinary resistance they had experienced, to find a rich booty; but were surprised to discover that the whole treasure which the sturdy Caledonian had been defending at the hazard of his life, was only a crooked sixpence. "The deuse is in him," said one of the rogues: "if he had had eighteen-pence I suppose he would have killed the whole of us."
MCCCXXIX.—IRISH IMPRUDENCE.In the year 1797, when democratic notions ran high, the king's coach was attacked as his majesty was going to the House of Peers. A gigantic Hibernian, who was conspicuously loyal in repelling the mob, attracted the attention of the king. Not long after, the Irishman received a message from Mr. Dundas to attend at his office. He went, and met with a gracious reception from the great[Pg 292] man, who praised his loyalty and courage, and desired him to point out any way in which he would wish to be advanced, his majesty being desirous to reward him. Pat hesitated a moment, and then smirkingly said, "I'll tell you what, mister, make a Scotchman of me, and, by St. Patrick, there'll be no fear of my gettin' on." The minister, dumfounded for the moment by the mal-apropos hit, replied, "Make a Scotchman of you, sir! that's impossible, for I can't give you prudence."
MCCCXXX.—THE PIGS AND THE SILVER SPOON.The Earl of P—— kept a number of swine at his seat in Wiltshire, and crossing the yard one day he was surprised to see the pigs gathered round one trough, and making a great noise. Curiosity prompted him to see what was the cause, and on looking into the trough he perceived a large silver spoon. A servant-maid came out, and began to abuse the pigs for crying so. "Well they may," said his lordship, "when they have got but one silver spoon among them all."
MCCCXXXI.—A FALSE FACE TRUE.I must and will deny;
They say their master is a knave:
And sure they do not lie.
MCCCXXXII.—A CONSIDERATE MAYOR.
A country mayor being newly got into office, that he might be seen to do something in it, would persuade his brethren to have a new pair of gallows built; but one of the aldermen said, that they had an old pair which would serve well enough. "Yea," said the mayor, "the old ones shall be to hang strangers on, and the new pair for us and our heirs for ever."
MCCCXXXIII.—THE SAFE SIDE.During the riots of 1780, most persons in London, in order to save their houses from being burnt or pulled down, wrote on their doors, "No Popery!" Old Grimaldi,[Pg 293] the father of the celebrated "Joey," to avoid all mistakes, wrote on his, "No Religion!"
MCCCXXXIV.—VISIBLY LOSING.In an election for the borough of Tallagh, Councillor Egan, or "bully Egan," as he was familiarly called, being an unsuccessful candidate, appealed to a Committee of the House of Commons. It was in the heat of a very warm summer, and Egan (who was an immensely stout man) was struggling through the crowd, his handkerchief in one hand, his wig in the other, and his whole countenance raging like the dog-star, when he met Curran. "I'm sorry for you, my dear fellow," said Curran. "Sorry! why so, Jack, why so? I'm perfectly at my ease."—"Alas! Egan, it is but too visible that you're losing tallow (Tallagh) fast!"
MCCCXXXV.—REASON FOR THICK ANKLES."What makes my ankles grow so thick."
"You do not recollect," says Harry,
"How great a calf they have to carry."
MCCCXXXVI.—ERASMUS VERSUS LUTHER.
Erasmus, of whom Cambridge has a right to be not a little proud, was entreated by Lord Mountjoy to attack the errors of Luther. "My lord," answered Erasmus, "nothing is more easy than to say Luther is mistaken, and nothing more difficult than to prove him so."
MCCCXXXVII.—SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF.Sheridan was once talking to a friend about the Prince Regent, who took great credit to himself for various public measures, as if they had been directed by his political skill, or foreseen by his political sagacity. "But," said Sheridan, "what his Royal Highness more particularly prides himself in, is the late excellent harvest."
MCCCXXXVIII.—FAIRLY WON.The only practical joke in which Richard Harris Barham[Pg 294] (better known by his nom-de-plume of Thomas Ingoldsby) ever personally engaged, was enacted when he was a boy at Canterbury. In company with a schoolfellow, D——, now a gallant major, he entered a Quakers' meeting-house; when, looking round at the grave assembly, the latter held up a penny tart, and said solemnly, "Whoever speaks first shall have this pie."—"Go thy way, boy," said a drab-colored gentleman, rising; "go thy way, and——"—"The pie's yours, sir!" exclaimed D——, placing it before the astonished speaker, and hastily effecting his escape.
MCCCXXXIX.—A FORTUNATE EXPEDIENT.A gentleman of Trinity College, travelling through France, was annoyed at the slowness of the pace, and wishing to urge the postilion to greater speed, tried his bad French until he was out of patience. At last it occurred to him that, if he was not understood, he might at least frighten the fellow by using some high-sounding words, and he roared into the ear of the postilion: "Westmoreland, Cumberland, Northumberland, Durham!" which the fellow mistaking for some tremendous threat, had the desired effect, and induced him to increase his speed.
MCCCXL.—ON THE FOUR GEORGES.Vile,—but viler, George the Second;
And what mortal ever heard
Any good of George the Third?
When from earth the Fourth descended,
God be praised, the Georges ended.
MCCCXLI.—WHAT EVERYBODY DOES.
Hopkins once lent Simpson, his next door neighbor, an umbrella, and having an urgent call to make on a wet day, knocked at Simpson's door. "I want my umbrella."—"Can't have it," said Simpson. "Why? I want to go to the East End, and it rains in torrents; what am I to do for an umbrella?"—"Do?" answered Simpson, passing through the door, "do as I did, borrow one!"[Pg 295]
MCCCXLII.—WHAT IS AN ARCHDEACON?Lord Althorp, when Chancellor of the Exchequer, having to propose to the House of Commons a vote of £400 a year for the salary of the Archdeacon of Bengal, was puzzled by a question from Mr. Hume, "What are the duties of an archdeacon?" So he sent one of the subordinate occupants of the Treasury Bench to the other House to obtain an answer to the question from one of the bishops. To Dr. Blomfield accordingly the messenger went, and repeated the question, "What is an archdeacon?"—"An archdeacon," replied the bishop, in his quick way, "an archdeacon is an ecclesiastical officer, who performs archidiaconal functions"; and with this reply Lord Althorp and the House were perfectly satisfied. It ought to be added, however, that when the story was repeated to the bishop himself, he said that he had no recollection of having made any such answer; but that if he had, it must have been suggested to him by a saying of old John White, a dentist, whom he had known in early days, who used to recommend the use of lavender-water to his patients, and when pressed for a reason for his recommendation, replied, "On account of its lavendric properties."
MCCCXLIII.—"ON MR. PITT'S BEING PELTED BY THE MOB, ON LORD MAYOR'S DAY, 1787."For Pitt had his dessert before he dined.
MCCCXLIV.—LATIMER.
The pious and learned martyr, and Bishop of Worcester, who was educated at Christ College, Cambridge, and was one of the first reformers of the Church of England, at a controversial conference, being out-talked by younger divines, and out-argued by those who were more studied in the fathers, said, "I cannot talk for my religion, but I am ready to die for it."
MCCCXLV.—EXCUSE FOR COWARDICE.A braggart ran away from battle, and gave as a reason,[Pg 296] that a friend had written his epitaph, which had an excellent point in it, provided he attained the age of one hundred.
MCCCXLVI.—A NEW IDEA.One of Mrs. Montague's blue-stocking ladies fastened upon Foote, at one of the routs in Portman Square, with her views of Locke "On the Understanding," which she protested she admired above all things; only there was one particular word, very often repeated, which she could not distinctly make out, and that was the word (pronouncing it very long) ide-a. "But I suppose," said she, "it comes from a Greek derivation."—"You are perfectly right, madam," said Foote; "it comes from the word ideaowski."—"And pray, sir, what does that mean?"—"It is the feminine of idiot, madam!"
MCCCXLVII—THE POOR CURATE.But the Curate you'll find living hard by the church.
MCCCXLVIII.—NEIGHBORLY POLITENESS.
Sir Godfrey Kneller and Dr. Ratcliffe lived next door to each other, and were extremely intimate. Kneller had a very fine garden, and as the doctor was fond of flowers, he permitted him to have a door into it. Ratcliffe's servants gathering and destroying the flowers, Kneller sent to inform him that he would nail up the door; to which Ratcliffe, in his rough manner, replied, "Tell him, he may do anything but paint it."—"Well," replied Kneller, "he may say what he will, for tell him, I will take anything from him, except physic."
MCCCXLIX.—A HEAVY WEIGHT.Mr. Douglas, son of the Bishop of Salisbury, was six feet two inches in height, and of enormous bulk. The little boys of Oxford always gathered about him when he went into the streets, to look up at his towering bulk. "Get out of my way, you little scamps," he used to cry,[Pg 297] "or I will roll upon you." It was upon this gentleman that Canning composed the following epigram:—
Is
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