The Jest Book<br />The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings, Mark Lemon [e novels to read online .txt] 📗
- Author: Mark Lemon
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Sheridan was down at Brighton one summer, when Fox, the manager, desirous of showing him some civility, took him all over the theatre, and, exhibited its beauties. "There, Mr. Sheridan," said Fox, who combined twenty occupations, without being clever in any, "I built and painted all these boxes, and I painted all these scenes."—"Did you?" said Sheridan, surveying them rapidly; "well, I should not, I am sure, have known you were a Fox by your brush."[Pg 321]
MCDLXXV.—NOT SO "DAFT" AS REPUTED.There was a certain "Daft Will," who was a privileged haunter of Eglington Castle and grounds. He was discovered by the noble owner one day taking a near cut, and crossing a fence in the demesne. The earl called out, "Come back, sir, that's not the road."—"Do ye ken," said Will, "whaur I'm gaun?"—"No," replied his lordship. "Weel, hoo the deil do ye ken whether this be the road or no?"
MCDLXXVI.—PICKING POCKETS."Are ruinous,—down with the growers of malt!"
"Too true," answers Ben, with a shake of the head,
"Wherever they congregate, honesty's dead.
That beer breeds dishonesty causes no wonder,
'Tis nurtured in crime,—'tis concocted in plunder;
In Kent while surrounded by flourishing crops,
I saw a rogue picking a pocket of hops."
MCDLXXVII.—HUSBANDING HIS RESOURCES.
A wag, reading in one of Brigham Young's manifestoes, "that the great resources of Utah are her women," exclaimed, "It is very evident that the prophet is disposed to husband his resources."
MCDLXXVIII.—SMOOTHING IT DOWN.A client remarked to his solicitor, "You are writing my bill on very rough paper, sir."—"Never mind," was the reply of the latter, "it has to be filed before it comes into court."
MCDLXXIX.—MAKING FREE WITH THE WAIST.Curran, in cross-examining the chief witness of a plaintiff in an action for an assault, obliged him to acknowledge that the plaintiff had put his arm round the waist of Miss D——, which had provoked the defendant to strike him: "Then, sir, I presume," said Curran, "he took that waist for common?"[Pg 322]
MCDLXXX.—A HOPELESS INVASION.Admiral Bridport, speaking of the threatened invasion by the French in 1798, dryly observed, "They might come as they could; for his own part, he could only say that they should not come by water."
MCDLXXXI.—DROLL TO ORDER.One evening, a lady said to a small wit, "Come, Mr. ——, tell us a lively anecdote," and the poor fellow was mute during the remainder of the evening. "Favor me with your company on Wednesday evening, you are such a lion," said a weak party-giver to a young author. "I thank you," replied the wit; "but on that evening I am engaged to eat fire at the Countess of ——, and stand upon my head at Mrs. ——."
MCDLXXXII.—MEN OF WEIGHT.And if they walk themselves—that's worse:
Travel at all, they are at best,
Either oppressors or opprest.
MCDLXXXIII.—CHEMICAL ODDITY.
While an ignorant lecturer was describing the nature of gas, a blue-stocking lady inquired of a gentleman near her, what was the difference between oxygin and hydrogin? "Very little, madam," said he; "by oxygin we mean pure gin; and by hydrogin, gin and water."
MCDLXXXIV.—AN APISH RESEMBLANCE.Charles Lamb used to say, that he had a great dislike to monkeys, on the principle that "it was not pleasant to look upon one's poor relations."
MCDLXXXV.—HE WHO SUNG "THE LAYS OF ANCIENT ROME."Lord Macaulay, passing one day through the Seven Dials, bought a handful of ballads from some street-folks who were bawling out their contents to a gaping audience.[Pg 323] Proceeding on his way home, he was astonished to find himself followed by half a score of urchins, their faces beaming with expectation. "Now then, my lads, what is it?" said he. "O, that's a good 'un," replied one of the boys, "after we've come all this way."—"But what are you waiting for?" said the historian, astonished at the lad's familiarity. "Waiting for! why ain't you going to sing, guv'ner?"
MCDLXXXVI.—DEATH-BED FORGIVENESS.A veteran Highlander, between whose family and that of a neighboring chieftain had existed a long hereditary feud, being on his death-bed, was reminded that this was the time to forgive all his enemies, even he who had most injured him. "Well, be it so," said the old Gael, after a short pause, "be it so; go tell Kinmare I forgive him,—but my curses rest upon my son if ever he does."
MCDLXXXVII.—A REASONABLE PREFERENCE.Or bold men, or modest and shy men,
I can't say, but this I protest,
All the fair are in favor of Hy-men.
MCDLXXXVIII.—A DEAR BARGAIN.
Quin was one day lamenting that he grew old, when a shallow impertinent young fellow said to him, "What would you give to be as young as I am?"—"By the powers," replied Quin, "I would even submit to be almost as foolish!"
MCDLXXXIX.—SUGGESTIVE REPUDIATION.Lord Byron was once asked by a friend in the green-room of the Drury Lane Theatre, whether he did not think Miss Kelly's acting in the "Maid and the Magpie" exceedingly natural. "I really am no judge," answered his lordship, "I was never innocent of stealing a spoon."
MCDXC.—NO INTRUSION.A loquacious author, after babbling some time about[Pg 324] his piece to Sheridan, said, "Sir, I fear I have been intruding on your attention."—"Not at all, I assure you," replied he, "I was thinking of something else."
MCDXCI.—EXPERIMENTUM CRUCIS.A merchant being asked to define the meaning of experimental and natural philosophy, said he considered the first to be asking a man to discount a bill at a long date, and the second his refusing to do it.
MCDXCII.—NOT AT ALL ANXIOUS.A man very deeply in debt, being reprimanded by his friends for his disgraceful situation, and the anxiety of a debtor being urged by them in very strong expressions: "Ah!" said he, "that may be the case with a person who thinks of paying."
MCDXCIII.—ODD HUMOR.When Lord Holland was on his death-bed, his friend George Selwyn called to inquire how his Lordship was, and left his card. This was taken to Lord Holland, who said: "If Mr. Selwyn calls again, show him into my room. If I am alive, I shall be glad to see him; if I am dead, I am sure that he will be delighted to see me."
MCDXCIV.—A TICKLISH OPENING.Henry Erskine happening to be retained for a client of the name of Tickle, began his speech in opening the case, thus: "Tickle, my client, the defendant, my lord,"—and upon proceeding so far was interrupted by laughter in court, which was increased when the judge (Lord Kaimes) exclaimed, "Tickle him yourself, Harry; you are as able to do so as I am."
MCDXCV.—THE REPUBLIC OF LETTERS.Hood suggests that the phrase "republic of letters" was hit upon to insinuate that, taking the whole lot of authors together, they had not got a sovereign amongst them.[Pg 325]
MCDXCVI.—AN OFFENSIVE PREFERENCE.A person meeting with an acquaintance after a long absence, told him that he was surprised to see him, for he had heard that he was dead. "But," says the other, "you find the report false."—"'Tis hard to determine," he replied, "for the man that told me was one whose word I would sooner take than yours."
MCDXCVII.—SELF-CONDEMNATION.A country gentleman, walking in his garden, saw his gardener asleep in an arbor. "What!" says the master, "asleep, you idle dog, you are not worthy that the sun should shine on you."—"I am truly sensible of my unworthiness," answered the man, "and therefore I laid myself down in the shade."
MCDXCVIII.—AN ILLEGAL INDORSEMENT.Curran having one day a violent argument with a country schoolmaster on some classical subject, the pedagogue, who had the worst of it, said, in a towering passion, that he would lose no more time, and must go back to his scholars. "Do, my dear doctor," said Curran, "but don't indorse my sins upon their backs."
MCDXCIX.—A PLUMPER.A young gentleman, with a bad voice, preached a probation sermon for a very good lectureship in the city. A friend, when he came out of the pulpit, wished him joy, and said, "He would certainly carry the election, for he had nobody's voice against him but his own."
MD.—A PAINFUL EXAMINATION.In the course of an examination for the degree of B.A. in the Senate House, Cambridge, under an examiner whose name was Payne, one of the questions was, "Give a definition of happiness." To which a candidate returned the following laconic answer: "An exemption from Payne."[Pg 326]
MDI.—BUSINESS AND PLEASURE.A Quaker (says Hood) makes a pleasure of his business, and then, for relaxation, makes a business of his pleasure.
MDII.—INFORMATION EASILY ACQUIRED.A friend, crossing Putney Bridge with Theodore Hook, observed that he had been informed that it was a very good investment, and inquired "if such were the case?"—"I don't know," was the answer; "but you ought, as you have just been tolled."
MDIII.—A WALKING STICK.An old gentleman accused his servant of having stolen his stick. The man protested perfect innocence. "Why, you know," rejoined his master, "that the stick could never have walked off with itself."—"Certainly not, sir, unless it was a walking-stick."
MDIV.—CHARITY AND INCONVENIENCE.It is objected, and we admit often with truth, that the wealthy are ready to bestow their money, but not to endure personal inconvenience. The following anecdote is told in illustration: A late nobleman was walking in St. James's Street, in a hard frost, when he met an agent, who began to importune his Grace in behalf of some charity which had enjoyed his support. "Put me down for what you please," peevishly exclaimed the Duke; "but don't keep me in the cold."
MDV.—A REASON FOR BELIEF."Do you believe in the apostolical succession?" inquired one of Sydney Smith. "I do," he replied: "and my faith in that dogma dates from the moment I became acquainted with the Bishop of ——, who is so like Judas."
MDVI.—OPENLY.I own, indeed, he's got a knack
Of flattering people to their face,
But scorns to do 't behind their back.
[Pg 327] MDVII.—PAINTED CHARMS.
Of a celebrated actress, who, in her declining days, bought charms of carmine and pearl-powder, Jerrold said, "Egad! she should have a hoop about her, with a notice upon it, 'Beware of the paint.'"
MDVIII.—ON THE SPOT.Two Oxonians dining together, one of them noticing a spot of grease on the neck-cloth of his companion, said, "I see you are a Grecian."—"Pooh!" said the other, "that is far-fetched."—"No, indeed," said the punster, "I made it on the spot."
MDIX.—MR. ERSKINE'S FIRMNESS.In the famous trial of the Dean of Asaph, Mr. Erskine put a question to the jury, relative to the meaning of their verdict. Mr. Justice Buller objected to its propriety. The counsel reiterated his question, and demanded an answer. The judge again interposed his authority in these emphatic words: "Sit down, Mr. Erskine; know your duty, or I shall be obliged to make you know it." Mr. Erskine with equal warmth replied, "I know my duty as well as your lordship knows your duty. I stand here as the advocate of a fellow citizen, and I will not sit down." The judge was silent, and the advocate persisted in his question.
MDX.—A SHUFFLING ANSWER.A fair devotee lamented to her confessor her love of gaming. "Ah! madam," replied the reverend gentleman, "it is a grievous sin;—in the first place consider the loss of time."—"That's just what I do," said she; "I always begrudge the time that is lost in shuffling and dealing."
MDXI.—THE DEBT PAID.But John, unhappily, thought fit
To publish it to all the nation:
Sure John and I am more than quit.
[Pg 328] MDXII.—A UTILITARIAN INQUIRY.
James Smith one night took old Mr. Twiss to hear Mathews in his At Home, to the whole of which the mathematician gave devoted attention. At the close, Mr. Smith asked him whether he had not been surprised and pleased. "Both," replied Mr. Twiss, "but what does it all go to prove?"
MDXIII.—AN OBJECTIONABLE PROCESS.General D—— was more distinguished for gallantry in the field than for the care he lavished upon his person. Complaining, on a certain occasion, to the late Chief-Justice Bushe, of Ireland, of the sufferings he endured from rheumatism, that learned and humorous judge undertook to prescribe a remedy.
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