The Jest Book<br />The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings, Mark Lemon [e novels to read online .txt] 📗

Who seeks to please all men each way,
And not himself offend,
He may begin his work to-day,
But who knows when he'll end?
MDCXXIX.—PROFESSIONAL RECOGNITION.

Miss Kelly standing one day in the street, enjoying the vagaries of punch with the rest of the crowd, the showman came up to her and solicited a contribution. She was not very ready in answering the demand, when the fellow, taking care to make her understand that he knew who she was, exclaimed, "Ah! it's all over with the drama, if we don't encourage one another."

MDCXXX.—A CELESTIAL VISION.

Quin, being asked by a lady why there were more women in the world than men, replied, "It is in conformity with the other arrangements of Nature, madam; we always see more of heaven than earth."

MDCXXXI.—DESTITUTION OF THE SMITH FAMILY.

One morning a pompous little man called upon Sydney Smith, saying that, being about to compile a history of distinguished families in Somersetshire, he had called to obtain the Smith arms. "I regret, sir," said the reverend wit, "not to be able to contribute to so valuable a work; but the Smiths never had any arms, and have invariably sealed their letters with their thumbs."

MDCXXXII.—UNCIVIL WARNING.

A celebrated professor, dining in company with a gaudy, discordant, and silly chatterer, was asked to help[Pg 352] her to the usual concomitant of boiled fowl. As he did so, he abstractedly murmured, "Parsley,—fatal to parrots."

MDCXXXIII.—AN INEVITABLE MISFORTUNE.

When Boswell was first introduced to Dr. Johnson, he apologized to him for being a Scotchman. "I find," said he, "that I am come to London at a bad time, when great popular prejudice has gone forth against us North Britons; but when I am talking to you, I am talking to a large and liberal mind, and you know that I cannot help coming from Scotland."—"Sir," replied the doctor, archly, "no more can the rest of your countrymen."

MDCXXXIV.—DONE FOR.

Two gentlemen were lately examining the breast of a plough on a stall in a market-place. "I'll bet you a crown," said one, "you don't know what it's for."—"Done," said the other. "It is for sale." The bet was paid.

MDCXXXV.—A PROBLEM FOR TOTAL ABSTAINERS.

Thomas Hood says: "Puny draughts can hardly be called drinking. Pints cannot be deemed potations."

MDCXXXVI.—THE DOG TAX.

Brown drops in. Brown is said to be the toady of Jones. When Jones has the influenza, Brown dutifully catches cold in the head. Douglas Jerrold remarked to Brown, "Have you heard the rumor that's flying about town?"—"No."—"Well, they say that Jones pays the dog-tax for you."

MDCXXXVII.—A PUN WITH AN IRISH ACCENT.

Hood described a good church minister as "Piety parsonified."

MDCXXXVIII.—A NEW WAY WITH ATTORNEYS.

One day a simple farmer, who had just buried a rich relation, an attorney, was complaining of the great expense[Pg 353] of a funeral cavalcade in the country. "Why, do you bury your attorneys here?" asked Foote. "Yes, to be sure we do: how else?"—"O, we never do that in London."—"No?" said the other, much surprised; "how do you manage, then?"—"Why, when the patient happens to die, we lay him out in a room over night by himself, lock the door, throw open the window, and in the morning he is gone."—"Indeed!" exclaimed the farmer, with amazement; "what becomes of him?"—"Why, that we cannot exactly tell; all we know is, there's a strong smell of brimstone in the room the next morning."

MDCXXXIX.—THE DOUBT EXPLAINED.

A man with a very short nose was continually ridiculing another, whose nose was remarkably long. The latter said to him one day, "You are always making observations upon my nose; perhaps you think it was made at the expense of yours."

MDCXL.—A YOKSHIRE BULL.

A Yorkshire clergyman, preaching for the Blind Asylum, began by gravely remarking: "If all the world were blind, what a melancholy sight it would be!"

MDCXLI.—A ONE-SIDED JOKE.

A lady requested her husband's permission to wear rouge. "I can give you permission, my dear," he replied, "only for one cheek."

MDCXLII.—TWO CURES FOR AGUE.

Bishop Blomfield, when presiding over the diocese of London, had occasion to call the attention of the Essex incumbents to the necessity of residing in their parishes; and he reminded them that curates were, after all, of the same flesh and blood as rectors, and that the residence which was possible for the one, could not be quite impossible for the other. "Besides," added he, "there are two well-known preservatives against ague; the one is, a good deal of care and a little port wine; the other, a little care and a good deal of port wine. I prefer the former; but if[Pg 354] any of the clergy prefer the latter, it is at all events a remedy which incumbents can afford better than curates."

MDCXLIII.—A QUESTION OF DESCENT.

A Yorkshire nobleman, who was fond of boasting of his Norman descent, said to one of his tenants, whom he thought was not addressing him with proper respect: "Do you know, fellow, that my ancestors came over with William the Conqueror?"—"And, perhaps," retorted the sturdy Saxon, "they found mine here when they comed."

MDCXLIV.—PLEASANT FOR A FATHER.

A laird's eldest son was rather a simpleton. Laird says, "I am going to send the young laird abroad."—"What for?" asks the tenant. Laird answered, "To see the world." Tenant replied, "But lordsake, laird, will no the world see him?"

MDCXLV.—A RULE OF PRACTICE.

It was said of a Bath physician, that he could not prescribe even for himself without a fee, and therefore, when unwell, he took a guinea out of one pocket and put it into the other.

MDCXLVI.—WITS AGREEING.

When Foote was one day lamenting his growing old, a pert young fellow asked him what he would give to be as young as he. "I would be content," cried Foote, "to be as foolish." Jerrold made a similar reply to an empty-headed fellow who boasted of never being seasick. "Never!" said Douglas; "then I'd almost have your head with your stomach."

MDCXLVII.—LITERARY PASTIME.

Once a gentleman, who had the marvellous gift of shaping a great many things out of orange-peel, was displaying his abilities at a dinner-party before Theodore Hook and Mr. Thomas Hill, and succeeded in counterfeiting a pig. Mr. Hill tried the same feat; and, after destroying and strewing the table with the peel of a dozen oranges, gave it[Pg 355] up, with the exclamation, "Hang the pig! I can't make him."—"Nay, Hill," exclaimed Hook, glancing at the mess on the table, "you have done more; instead of one pig, you have made a litter."

MDCXLVIII.—A FREE TRANSLATION.

Manners, who had himself but lately been made Earl of Rutland, told Sir Thomas More "he was too much elated with his preferment; that he verified the old proverb, 'Honores mutant mores.'"—"No, my lord," said Sir Thomas, "the pun will do much better in English, 'Honors change Manners.'"

MDCXLIX.—AN EQUIVOCAL PREFERENCE.

A gentleman was describing to Douglas Jerrold the story of his courtship and marriage,—how his wife had been brought up in a convent, and was on the point of taking the veil, when his presence burst upon her enraptured sight, and she accepted him as her husband. Jerrold listened to the end of the story, and then quietly remarked, "Ah! she evidently thought you better than nun."

MDCL.—RECIPROCAL ACTION.

A very fat man, for the purpose of quizzing his doctor, asked him to prescribe for a complaint, which he declared was sleeping with his mouth open. "Sir," said the doctor, "your disease is incurable. Your skin is too short, so that when you shut your eyes your mouth opens."

MDCLI.—ACRES AND WISEACRES.

A wealthy but weak-headed barrister once remarked to Curran that "No one should be admitted to the Bar who had not an independent landed property."—"May I ask, sir," replied Curran, "how many acres make a wise-acre?"

MDCLII.—AN UNEQUAL ARRANGEMENT.

Two young Irishmen, wishing to live cheaply, and to divide their expenses, agreed the one to board, and the other to lodge.[Pg 356]

MDCLIII.—A REASON FOR BEING TOO LATE.

Canning and another gentleman were looking at a picture of the Deluge: the ark was in the middle distance; in the fore-sea an elephant was seen struggling with his fate. "I wonder," said the gentleman, "that the elephant did not secure an inside place."—"He was too late, my friend," replied Canning; "he was detained packing up his trunk."

MDCLIV.—COOL AS A CUCUMBER.

Some one was mentioning in Lamb's presence the cold-heartedness of the Duke of Cumberland, in restraining the duchess from rushing up to the embrace of her son, whom she had not seen for a considerable time, and insisting on her receiving him in state. "How horribly cold it was," said the narrator. "Yes," replied Lamb, in his stuttering way; "but you know he is the, Duke of Cu-cum-ber-land."

MDCLV.—AN AMPLE APOLOGY.

A clergyman at Cambridge preached a sermon which one of his auditors commended. "Yes," said the gentleman to whom it was mentioned, "it was a good sermon, but he stole it." This was repeated to the preacher, who resented it, and called on the gentleman to retract. "I will," replied the aggressor. "I said you had stolen the sermon. I find I was wrong, for on referring to the book whence I thought it was taken, I found it there."

MDCLVI.—FUNERAL INVITATION.

Sir Boyle Roach had a servant who was as great an original as his master. Two days after the death of the baronet, this man waited upon a gentleman, who had been a most intimate friend of Sir Boyle, for the purpose of telling him that the time at which the funeral was to have taken place had been changed. "Sir," says he, "my master sends his compliments to you, and he won't be buried till to-morrow evening."

MDCLVII.—A SUPERFLUOUS SCRAPER.

Foote, being annoyed by a poor fiddler straining harsh[Pg 357] discord under his window, sent him out a shilling, with a request that he would play elsewhere, as one scraper at the door was sufficient.

MDCLVIII.—COMPARATIVE VIRTUE.

A shopkeeper at Doncaster had for his virtues obtained the name of the little rascal. A stranger asked him why this appellation had been given to him. "To distinguish me from the rest of my trade," quoth he, "who are all great rascals."

MDCLIX.—GARTH AND ROWE.

Doctor Garth, who used frequently to go to the Wit's Coffee House, the Cocoa-Tree, in St. James's Street, was sitting there one morning conversing with two persons of rank, when Rowe, the poet, who was seldom very attentive to his dress and appearance, but still insufferably vain of being noticed by persons of consequence, entered. Placing himself in a box nearly opposite to that in which the doctor sat, he looked constantly round with a view of catching his eye; but not succeeding, he desired the waiter to ask him for his snuff-box, which he knew to be a valuable one, set with diamonds, and the present of some foreign prince. After taking a pinch, he returned the box, but asked for it again so repeatedly, that Garth, who knew him well, perceived the drift, and taking from his pocket a pencil, wrote on the lid the two Greek characters, [Greek: Ph R] (phi, rho) Fie! Rowe! The poet was so mortified, that he quitted the room immediately.

MDCLX.—A SECRET DISCOVERED.