Mr. Punch's Country Life: Humours of Our Rustics, J. A. Hammerton [best mobile ebook reader TXT] 📗
- Author: J. A. Hammerton
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[They go off to dine at the ordinary, with a sense that matters might be worse.
[Pg 147]
Jones, who can't sleep well in London during the hot weather, goes to have a quiet night in a village!
[Portrait of one of the village Cochins, &c.[Pg 149]
Education.—Squire. "Hobson, they tell me you've taken your boy away from the National School. What's that for?" Villager. "'Cause the master ain't fit to teach un!" Squire. "O, I've heard he's a very good master." Villager. "Well, all I knows is, he wanted to teach my boy to spell ''taters' with a 'p'!!!"
[Pg 150]
Compliments of the Season.—Farmer's Wife (to little rustic, her prot�g�). "Well, Sam, your master and I are going up to London for the cattle show."
Cow Boy. "Oh, I'm sure I hope yeou'll take the fust prize, 'm—that I dew!"
[Pg 151]
"In the Long Run."—Town Gent. "Now do you find keeping poultry answers?" Country Gent (lately retired). "O, 'es, s'posed to answer. Y' see there's the original cost of the fowls—'f course the food goes down to me, y' know. Well, then, I purchase the eggs from the children, and they eat them!!!"
[Pg 152]
"ONLY TWO FEET AT THE WINDOW"
(Old song adapted)
Milkman (aghast, anxiously). "Hullo! Wot's that?"
Old Woman. "Hish! Our lodger, just come. Open-air cure!"
Agricultural.—The poorest farmer in the land, if unable to feed his calves, can always graze his shins.
At the Cattle Show.—- Young Farmer. "Are you fond of beasts, Miss Gusherton?"
Miss Gusherton. "Oh, really, Mr. Pawker, if you mean that as a declaration, you must speak to mamma!"
[Pg 153]
Rector. "Why, doctor, where are you off to? I thought the meet was down at the cross roads."
Doctor. "Well, the fact is, I've got a patient up here that I must see, and the hounds are certain to come this way."
Rector. "I see. Killing two birds with one stone, eh?"
[Pg 154]
Short-sighted Old Gentleman. "Excuse me, but I think you've dropped one of your parcels!"
[Pg 155]
"Opposition."—First Town Councillor (who had recently been to Venice). "Now that we've a people's park, and a lake in it, I should suggest that half a dozen gondolas might be purchased, as they'd give quite a——" Second Ditto (untravelled). "Oh, I don't see the good of havin' any more o' them foreign birds! We've plenty of ducks an' geese already! 't any rate a pair would be enough to breed from. As to 'alf a dozen, I consider it'd be a waste o' public money, an' I'll oppose it tooth and——" [They don't part friends.
[Pg 156]
The Squire. "I don't seem to know your face, my man. Do you live about here?"
Old Rustic. "Yes, sir. But, yer see, I ain't often at the public-'ouse!"
[Pg 157]
First Doubtful Character. "This yer's all 'umbug about a thief not bein' able to look a honest man in the heye."
Second Doubtful Character. "Well, if 'e can't, 'e can punch 'im in the heye!"
[Pg 158]
LITTLE AND GOOD
Gentleman. "Who do these pigs belong to, boy?"
'Chaw.' "Why, this 'ere owd zow."
Gentleman. "Yes, yes; but I mean who's their master?"
'Chaw.' "Why, that there little 'un; he's a varmun to foight!"
[Pg 159]
TRUE POLITENESS
(Another incident at a Tenants' Ball)
Daughter of the house (dishevelled and torn after one turn round the room with clumsy partner). "Do you mind very much, Mr. Quickstep, if we sit out the rest of it?"
Mr. Quickstep. "Jest as you like, miss. I'm only a-dancin' for your pleasure!"
[Pg 160]
Miss Marjorie. "And how is your son James getting on, Mr. Giles?"
Giles (whose son has gone to London "in service"). "Well, to tell ye the truth, Miss Marji, Oi'm very troubled about 'im. Oi 'ad a letter last week, an' 'e says that 'e's livin' in a buildin' with 'undreds of people in it, an' it's three or fowr 'ouses one on top o' t'other. 'E says there's a railway carriage without an ingin' that goes up the middle o' th' buildin', an' the lights is all in bottles, an' you turns 'em on with a tap without usin' a loocifer, an'——"
Miss Marjorie. "But why are you troubled about James?"
Giles. "Aye, Oi fear 'e must 'a took to drink, miss!"
Sympathy.—Giles (ruefully). "Villiam, I've been an' gone an' 'listed!"
William. "Lor'! 'ave yer, though? Got the shillin'?"
Giles. "Yes."
William. "Well, then, let's go an' 'ave a glass at the 'Barley-Mow.' Don't let's be down'earted!"
[Pg 161]
Quite a Different Thing.—Vicar's Wife. "Well, Mrs. Bloggs, I'm glad to hear your husband has given up drinking. I hope he's all the better for it?" Mrs. Bloggs. "Oh, yes, 'm, that he be. Why, ever since 'e took the pledge, he's been more like a friend than a husband!"
[Pg 162]
Scene.—A Country Drawing-Room.
Visitor (to old lady and daughters, one of whose hobbies is the keeping of a small herd of Jerseys). "By the way, I didn't see you at our local agricultural show."
Daughter. "Oh, no! We never go unless we exhibit ourselves."
[Pg 163]
A Slight mistake.—Farmer. "Where 'ave ye been all this time? And where's the old mare—didn't ye have her shod as I told ye?" Jarge. "Shod! Law, no, marster. I bin a buryin' she! Didn't I think thee said 'shot'!"
[Pg 164]
"THE SIMPLE LIFE" Mr. and Mrs. Fitzpudgit's Experiences of a Week-end Country Cottage.
Mr. Fitzpudgit. "What's the matter with the eggs, Matilda? I've tried them with a fork two or three times, and they're not soft yet!"
[Pg 165]
"THE SIMPLE LIFE."
Mr. Fitzpudgit. "Now don't faint again, my dear. I'll soon have this old rabbit in bits, now!"
[Pg 166]
"THE SIMPLE LIFE"
Charwoman. "If yer please, sir, th' landlord says as 'ow 'e can't do nothin', 'cos the thatcher's busy with the ricks."
[Pg 167]
"THE SIMPLE LIFE"
Mrs. Fitzpudgit. "What is it, dear?" Mr. F. "Nothing, my love. Only another puncture."
[Pg 168]
"APPRECIATIONS," LOCAL
Vicar's Wife. "I see, Mrs. Fieldsend, that Mary is home again."
Mrs. Fieldsend. "Yes, m'm. You see, she has been a year at Crowe Rectory, and eighteen months at Exholme Vicarage, and now we want her to go into a gentleman's family!"
Family Jars.—Joan. "The idear of Susan's askin' John to William's funeral, after the way 'e'd beyaved! I shouldn't certainly ever dream of askin' 'im to yours!"
Darby. "What! Then all I can say is, I should be very much offended if you didn't!"
[Pg 169]
EXCHANGE NO ROBBERY
Live Stock.—Little Miss Townley. "Was that honey we had at breakfast 'home-made,' Mr. Stubbs?"
Farmer Stubbs. "Why, surely, missy."
Little Miss T. "Oh! Then I suppose you keep a bee?"
[Pg 170]
Country Barber (affably, to total stranger). "Very tryin' weather this, sir. Makes you feel as if you'd like your body in a pond, an' your 'ead in a public-'ouse!"
[Pg 171]
The Rector's Daughter. "My father feels it very much, Mrs. Barker, that you should leave the church every Sunday just before the sermon. Don't you think you might try and stay, in future?"
Mrs. Barker. "I dursn't do it, miss. I do snore that dreadful when I'm asleep!"
[Pg 172]
Lady (calling on new Vicar's young wife). "Have you seen the library at the Hall? Sir George is quite a bibliophile, you know."
Vicar's Wife (warmly). "Oh, I'm so glad to hear that! So many of these wealthy men have no religion!"
[Pg 173]
Lady Visitor (to old parishioner). "Well, Mr. Huggins, and has the nurse been to see you yet?" Old Parishioner. "Yes, mum, thank 'ee. She's called once, an done my foot more good than all the imprecations I've ever used!"
[Pg 174]
THE SLOCUM POGIS TOILET-CLUB
"These 'ere barbers makes a rare lot o' fuss about it, but 'tain't nowt to sheep shearin'."
[Pg 175]
Diet.—Village Doctor. "Well, are you better? Have you taken your medicine regularly, and eaten plenty of animal food?" Patient. "Yes, sir, I tried it, and so long as it were be-ans and o-ats, I could manage pooty well, sir; but when you come to that there chopped hay, that right-down choked me, sir!"
[Pg 176]
NEEDLESS ALARM
He. "The fellah actually thweatened to blow my bwains out!"
She. "Oh, how could he? Of course he wasn't serious."
[Pg 177]
The Force of Habit.—Our County Member (attending church during the Recess). "I beg to move, sir, that the question be now put!"
[Pg 178]
Our Christmas Concert.—The Rector (who conducts the Rehearsal). "Suppose we try that movement again? I think, Mr. Footles, you were half a bar behind in taking up your point. Oh dear!—you're not going, Mr. Foo——" Mr. Footles (our Flauto Secondo, huffed). "Yessir. 'F you're so pertic'lar's 'alf a bar, I sha'n't jine the s'ciety!!"
[Pg 179]
Artful—very.—Mary. "Don't keep a screougin' o' me, John!" John. "Wh'oi bean't a screougin' on yer!" Mary (ingenuously). "Well, y' can i' y' like, John!"
[Pg 180]
Stranger. "I suppose there's not much society about here?"
Barber. "Society! Why there ain't two soup an' fish families within a radius o' fifteen mile!"
How Miners Ought to Swear.—"I'll take my Davy."
The Harvest of Crime.—The convict reaps the reward of his iniquity in the county crop.
[Pg 181]
Stranger. "You must find it very lonely on these hills."
Shepherd. "Lonely? No, I don't. Why, there was a man an a 'oss passed yesterday, an' there's you to-day."
[Pg 182]
Agricultural Parishioner (wishing to ingratiate himself with the new curate, who had given a lecture on the previous evening). "Thank ye, sir, for your reading to us last night." New Curate. "Glad you liked it, John. I was a little afraid lest the lecture might have been just a little too scientific." Agricultural Parishioner. "No, bless you, sir, not a bit of it. Why, we in these parts be just like
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