Mr. Punch's Book of Love: Being the Humours of Courtship and Matrimony, Hammerton et al. [free novels to read .txt] 📗
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[Cover]
MR. PUNCH'S BOOK OF LOVE
TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE.
Some pages of this work have been moved from the original sequence to enable the contents to continue without interruption. The page numbering remains unaltered.
[Pg 1]
PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR
Edited by J. A. Hammerton
Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in itself, the cream of our national humour, contributed by the masters of comic draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to "Punch," from its beginning in 1841 to the present day.
[Pg 2]
Edwin (suddenly, after a long pause). "Darling!"
Angelina. "Yes, darling?"
Edwin. "Nothing, darling. Only darling, darling!"
[Bilious Old Gentleman feels quite sick.
[Pg 3]
MR. PUNCH'SBOOK OF LOVE
BEING
THE HUMOURS OF COURTSHIPAND MATRIMONY
WITH 150 ILLUSTRATIONS
BY
JOHN LEECH,
CHARLES KEENE,
GEORGE DU MAURIER,
SIR JOHN TENNIEL,
PHIL MAY,
E. T. REED,
L. RAVEN-HILL,
GORDON BROWNE,
TOM BROWNE,
J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE,
C. E. BROCK,
REGINALD CLEAVER,
CHARLES PEARS,
A. S. BOYD,
LEWIS BAUMER,
DAVID WILSON,
G. L. STAMPA,
AND OTHERS
PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH
THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH"
THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD.
[Pg 4]
THE PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOURTwenty-five volumes, crown 8vo, 192 pages fully illustrated
LIFE IN LONDON
COUNTRY LIFE
IN THE HIGHLANDS
SCOTTISH HUMOUR
IRISH HUMOUR
COCKNEY HUMOUR
IN SOCIETY
AFTER DINNER STORIES
IN BOHEMIA
AT THE PLAY
MR. PUNCH AT HOME
ON THE CONTINONG
RAILWAY BOOK
AT THE SEASIDE
MR. PUNCH AFLOAT
IN THE HUNTING FIELD
MR. PUNCH ON TOUR WITH ROD AND GUN
MR. PUNCH AWHEEL
BOOK OF SPORTS
GOLF STORIES
IN WIG AND GOWN
ON THE WARPATH
BOOK OF LOVE
WITH THE CHILDREN
Take back the heart that you gave me.
[Pg 5]
ABOUT MATRIMONIAL JOKES, AND ONE IN PARTICULAR
Of all Mr. Punch's jokes it might be fair to say that none has ever rivalled the popularity of "Advice to persons about to marry,—Don't!" unless it be that of the Scotsman who had been no more than a few hours in London, "when bang went saxpence!" Of the latter, more in its place; here, we are immediately concerned with "Punch's advice". The most preposterous stories are current among the uninformed as to the origin of some of Mr. Punch's favourite jests. Only recently we heard a gentleman telling a group of people in a hotel smoking-room that Mark Twain got a hundred pounds from Punch for writing that famous line, "I used your soap two years ago; since then I have used no other," familiar to every one by Mr. Harry Furniss's drawing of a disreputable tramp who is supposed to be writing the words quoted. As a matter of fact, the idea came to Mr. Furniss from an anonymous correspondent. Stories equally, if not more, absurd have been told as to the origin of "Punch's advice," which, thanks to the researches of Mr. Spielmann, we now know to have been the happy inspiration of Henry Mayhew, one of the founders of Punch. It was sixty-one years ago that Mayhew wrote the line, and how many millions of[Pg 6] times it must have been quoted since one dare not guess!
It may be said to have struck the keynote of Mr. Punch's matrimonial policy, as an examination of his pages reveals him an incorrigible pessimist on the subject of marriage. He is very hard on the mother-in-law, but in all his life he has not made more than one or two jokes about the young wife's pastry, though he has made a good deal of fun about her general ignorance of domestic affairs. Nor has he spared the bachelor or the old maid, and the designing widow has been an especial butt for his shafts.
It might be a good thing to pass a law prohibiting young and marriageable men from reading Punch, in order to save many of them from being discouraged and frightened out of the thought of marriage, and it would certainly be an incentive thereto—they would be tempted to become Benedicts if only that they might qualify for the removal of the prohibition!
"DRIVEN TO DESPERATION"
[Pg 7]
MR. PUNCH'S BOOK OF LOVE
Advice to Persons who have "Fallen in Love."—Fall out.
Advice to Persons about to Marry.—Don't.
Encouraging.—George (who has just engaged himself to the Girl of his heart) breaks the happy news to his friend Jack (who has been married some time).—Jack. "Ah! well, my dear fellow, marriage is the best thing in the long run, and I can assure you that after a year or two a man gets used to it, and feels just as jolly as if he'd never married at all!"
[Pg 8]
A Definition.—Flirtation: a spoon with nothing in it.
Domestic.—It was a homely but pungent observation, on the part of a man of much experience and observation, that marriage without love was like tripe without onions.
Adage by a Young Lady.—Man proposes, but mamma disposes.
By a Beastly Old Bachelor.—A married man's fate (in brief).—Hooked, booked, cooked.
Describe a Home-Circle.—The wedding ring.
How to fix the Happy Day.—Q. When's the best day for a wedding? A. Why, of course, "A Weddin's day."
DOMESTIC ECONOMY.Said Stiggins to his wife one day,
"We've nothing left to eat;
If things go on in this queer way,
We shan't make both ends meet."
The dame replied, in words discreet,
"We're not so badly fed,
If we can make but one end meat,
And make the other bread."
[Pg 9]
Clergyman. "Augustus, wilt thou take this woman——"
Bride (late of Remnant & Co.'s Ribbon Department). "Lady!"
[Pg 10]
To Persons about to Marry.—Take care to choose a lady help, and not a lady encumbrance.
Accounted for at Last.—Is it not strange that the "best man" at a wedding is not the bridegroom? This must be the reason of so many unhappy marriages.
The Best Wards of a Latchkey.—Homewards!
One Great Lottery Office still Recognised by the Law.—The Marriage Register.
"There goes the second Mrs. Muggeray!"
"Gracious! What on earth did he marry her for?"
"Oh, he said he wanted some one to amuse the children!"
[Pg 11]
WONDERFUL WHAT AN ADJECTIVE WILL DO
Brown (newly married—to Jones, whom he entertained a few evenings previously). "Well, what did you think of us, old boy, eh?"
Jones. "Oh, pretty flat. Er—awfully pretty flat!"
[Pg 12]
Scientific Accuracy.—"But why do you want to marry her?" "Because I love her!" "My dear fellow, that's an excuse—not a reason!"
To Persons about to Marry.—What is enough for one, is half enough for two, short commons for three, and starvation for half a dozen.
Love me, lady!
My hair is gray;
When round comes pay-day
I cannot pay.
My corns are awful,
My prospects shady,
I want a comforter:
Love me, lady!
Notes of Admiration.—Love letters.
"THERE IS A TIE THAT BINDS US TO OUR HOMES"
[Pg 13]
He. "I can't understand Phyllis rejecting me last night."
She. "Never mind. You'll soon get over it."
He. "Oh, I've got over it right enough; but I can't help feeling so doosid sorry for her. I shan't ask her again!"
[Pg 14]
"A NIGHT OF IT"
Young Wife (2 a.m..). "Dinner at the Albion! the theatre! and supper and a rubber at the club! Well, Henry, I wonder you did not go to all the places of amusement in London, and (sobbing) not come home all night!"
Henry. "My dear, all th' other places shu' rup!!"
[Pg 15]
SENSE AND SENSIBILITY
A FRAGMENT
Yes, Robert! But O! do look at the excellent evening glow on yon distant hills! How solemn!! How sublime!"
"O! stunning. Well, then I measured the scullery: six feet by ten ... that'll just do, won't it?"
[Pg 16]
PRIMARY ROCK
The Effect of Getting Married.—"Poor Dick! how sadly he is altered since his marriage!" remarked one friend to another. "Why, yes, of course," replied the other; "directly a man's neck is in the nuptial noose, every one must see that he's a haltered person."
A Bad Pre-eminence.—What is there beats a good wife? A bad husband.
Question by a Sewing Machine.—What is woman's true sphere?—The Hemisphere.
A Marriage Question.—If a man addicted to smoking marries a widow, does it follow that he must lay down his pipe, because she gives up her weeds?
A Ready-made Rejoinder.—He. "You made a fool of me when I married you, ma'am!" She. "Lor! You always told me you were a self-made man!"
Mem. by an Old Maid.—If you "look over your age," you won't find anyone else willing to do the same.
[Pg 17]
MAFEKING NIGHT
(Or rather 3 a.m. the following morning)
Voice (from above). "Good gracious, William! Why don't you come to bed?"
William (huskily). "My dear Maria, you know it's been the rule of my life to go to bed shober—and I can't posh'bly come to bed yet!"
[Pg 18]
THE NEOGAMS—A WARNING
Newly married,
Railway carried;
Sighing.
At the station
Osculation;
Crying.
Smiling, parting;
Hands at starting
Gripping.
Cozy quarters,
Guards and porters
Tipping.
On the journey
Glances yearny,
Mooning.
Closely sitting,
As is fitting,
Spooning.
Destination;
Forced cessation.
Pity!
Porters poking
Fun, and joking,
Witty.
On arriving,
Carriage driving;
Kissing.
Lovely scenery,
Lakes and greenery,
Missing.
Hotel, table
d'h�te a rabble.
Shun it!
Private cover
Sooner over—
Done it.
Champagne drinking;
Waiter winking.
Curious!
People smiling;
Very riling;
Furious.
After dining,
Arms entwining,
Walking
Sipping honey—
What's there funny?—
Talking.
So time passes;
Grinning asses
Guess 'em
Newly married,
Sorely harried—
Bless 'em!
[Pg 19]
Casual Acquaintance.. "Hear you're to be married, Mr. Ribbes. Congratulate you!"
Mr. Ribbes. "Much obliged, but I dunno so much about congratulations. It's corstin' me a pretty penny, I tell yer. Mrs. Ribbes as is to be, she wants 'er trousseau, yer know; an' then there's the furnishin', an' the licence, an' the parson's fees; an' then I 'ave to give 'er an' 'er sister a bit o' jool'ry a-piece; an' wot with one thing an' another—she's a 'eavy woman, yer know, thirteen stun odd—well,
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