Mr. Punch's Book of Love: Being the Humours of Courtship and Matrimony, Hammerton et al. [free novels to read .txt] 📗
- Author: Hammerton et al.
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The assertion might well bring a cynical smile
To the lips of a critical Yankee.
The vermin is here; he has set up a shop,
And seems doing a prosperous trade, which to stop
Demands more than mere law's hanky-panky.
Poor law's tangled up in long coils of red tape,
She's the butt for each Jeremy Diddler's coarse jape,
Every filthy Paul Pry's ghoulish giggle.
John Bull, my fine fellow, wake up, and determine
To stamp out the lives of the venomous vermin
Who round your home-hearth writhe and wriggle.
'Ware snakes! No, Punch begs the ophidian's pardon!
The slimiest slug in the filthiest garden
[Pg 112]Is not so revolting as these are,
These ultra-reptilian rascals, who spy
Round our homes, and, for pay, would, with treacherous eye,
Find flaws in the wife e'en of C�sar.
Find? Well, if unable to find they will make.
No, the loathliest asp that e'er lurked in the brake
To spring on the passer unwary,
Was not such an anguis in herb� as this is,
Mean worm, which of all warning rattles and hisses
Is so calculatingly chary.
The spy sets up shop! And what has he for sale?
False evidence meant to weight justice's scale,
Eavesdroppings, astute fabrications,
The figments of vile keyhole varlets, the fudge
Of venal vindictiveness. Faugh! the foul sludge
Reeks rank as the swamp's exhalations.
Paul Pry, with a poison-fang, ready to bite
In the pay of home-hate or political spite,
Is a portent as mean as malignant.
The villain is vermin scarce worthy of steel,
His head should lie crushed 'neath the merciless heel
Of honesty hotly indignant.
[Pg 111]
THE DIVORCE SHOP
Private Inquiry Agent. "Want a divorce, sir? Certainly, sir,—certainly! Any evidence you may require ready at the shortest possible notice!!"
The Best School of Needlework.—A husband's wardrobe.
A Parting Injunction.—A decree in the Divorce Court.
Simple.—Q. When is a man tied to time? A. When he marries a second.
"Natural Selection."—Choosing a wife.
[Pg 113]
Small Voice from under the bed. "No, I will not come out! I tell you, once and for all, Bernesia, I will be master in my own house!"
[Pg 114]
The Best Excuse for a Man Marrying his Deceased Wife's Sister.—Because he will only have one mother-in-law.
A DISTINCTION WITHOUT A DIFFERENCE(A Drama in two Acts illustrative of the peculiarities of the British Idiom of End-dearment)
Act I.—Before the Event.Adolphus. Won't it make its adored happy by naming the day then—a playful little puss!
Seraphina. Ah! I suppose it must have its own way—a sad young dog.
Act II.—After the Event.Seraphina (with emphasis). O! when mamma comes you will not treat me so—you insolent puppy!
Adolphus (with decided emphasis). Ah! don't talk to me, you cat!!!
Curtain falls.
The Best Settlement for a Rich Wife who Elopes.—A penal one.
[Pg 115]
COLD SYMPATHY
Friend. "Hullo, old man, what's the matter?"
Gilded Youth. "Just proposed to a girl—been refused. Think I shall blow my brains out!"
Friend. "Congratulate you, old chap!"
Gilded Youth. "What do you mean?"
Friend. "Didn't know you had any!"
[Pg 116]
QUOD ERAT DEMONSTRANDUM
Gertrude. "But nobody ever dies of a broken heart."
Evelyn. "Oh, but they do. Why, I knew a man who was jilted, and he died almost immediately afterwards."
Gertrude. "Well, if he'd lived he'd have got over it."
THE SEVEN WONDERS OF A MARRIED MAN.1. Not going to sleep after dinner!
2. Never going anywhere in the evening, excepting "to the club!"
3. Always being good-tempered over the loss of a button, and never wreaking his vengeance on the coals if the dinner isn't ready exactly to a minute!
[Pg 118]
4. Never finding fault with his "dear little wifey," if she happens to be his partner at whist.
5. Not "wondering," regularly every week, "how the money goes!"
6. Resigning himself cheerfully, when asked to accompany his wife on "a little shopping!"
7. Insisting upon the servants sitting up, sooner than take the latchkey with him!!!
THE SEVEN WONDERS OF A MARRIED WOMAN.1. Never having "a gown to put on," when invited out anywhere.
2. Always being down the first to breakfast! always being dressed in time for dinner! and never keeping the carriage (or the cab) waiting at the door a minute!
3. Not always having "delicate health," about the autumn, and being recommended by her medical man "change of air" immediately!
4. Keeping up her "playing and singing" the same after marriage as before!
5. Giving her husband the best cup of tea!
6. Never making the house uncomfortable by continually "putting it to rights!"—nor filling it choke-full with a number of things it does not want, simply because they are "bargains!"
7. Never alluding, under the strongest provocation, to "the complete sacrifice she has made of herself!"—nor regretting the "two or three good offers," which she (in common with every married woman) had before she was foolish enough to accept him!!—and never, by any accident, calling her husband "a brute!"
All for Money.—Jack Damyan and his wife have just started on their wedding tour. The lady's chief attraction is her income. In this case, Jack's friends call the usual period of seclusion the moneymoon.
[Pg 117]
THE FOURTEENTH OF FEBRUARY
Comely Housemaid. "None for you, miss."
Daughter of the House. "But—why—who are all those for, then?"
Comely Housemaid. "Me, miss!"
[Pg 119]
THE BALANCE RESTORED
Mrs. Henry Peek. "Bah! I only married you because I pitied you, when nobody else thought anything about you!"
Mr. Henry Peek (wearily). "Ah, well, my dear, everybody pities me now!"
[Pg 120]
She "Jests at Scars," etc.—Aunt. "And how's Louisa, my dear? Where is she?" Sarcastic Younger Sister (fancy free). "Oh, pretty well, but she won't be on view these two hours. She's writing to her 'Dear Fred'; at least I fancy I saw her come out of the library with Tupper's Poems and a Dictionary!!!"
An Old-Maidism.—Love is blind, and Hymen is the oculist that generally manages to open his eyes.
"AS MAN'S INGRATITUDE"
"Nonsense, Frank! Can't pay them! Why, before we were married you told me you were well off."
"So I was. But I didn't know it!"
[Pg 121]
Mr. Guzzle. "Ah, Jinks, I hear you are going to be married. Good thing too. You'll have some one to keep that cook of yours up to the mark. She wants it!"
Mr. Jinks. "Yes. But, you see, it's cook I'm going to marry!"
[Pg 122]
WAITINGEnchantress with the nut-brown hair,
Bright genius of the A. B. C.,
Approach, in beauty past compare,
And spell Love's alphabet to me!
Content no more am I each night,
Amid a weird, dyspeptic host,
To order, with a keen delight,
And watch thee bring, the tea and toast.
I covet more transcendent joys;
Be mine, and come where Ocean waits
Instead of thee, and where annoys
No tinkling clash of cups and plates.
There grant to me, beneath the stars,
Not buttered scones, but smiles of bliss;
Not pastry, that digestion mars,
But something sweeter still—a kiss.
* * *
Enchantress with the nut-brown hair,
Bright genius of the A. B. C.,
Ah, heed a lover's anguished prayer,
And be not D. E. F. to me!
Advice to Honeymooners about to Start on a Continental Trip.—The most appropriate place for "les noces" should be "The Hotel Marry-time, Calais."
[Pg 123]
BETWEEN SCYLLA AND CHARYBDIS
Lady Binks (a devoted widow, earnestly). "Oh, Mr. Crichton, be careful how you marry! Sir Peter, who, as you know, rose to the highest positions, used frequently to say that more men owed their success to the beauty and social charm of their wives, than to their own energy and talents."
Mr. Crichton (plunging on the "nil nisi bonum" principle). "Surely, Lady Binks, none could say that of Sir Peter!"
[Pg 124]
Literal.—Visitor (to Disconsolate One). "Rejected you, did she? Oh, what o' that? Often do at first. Try her again. You're not pertinacious enough. You should have pressed her——" Dejected One. "Yes, but—confound her!—she wouldn't let me come near her!"
PARRIED
The Major (not so young as he feels). "Ah, Miss Muriel, in the spring a young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of——"
Miss Muriel (who wishes to avoid a proposal). "What a memory you have, major!"
[Pg 125]
He. "Oh, pray, Miss Dalrimple, don't call me Mr. Brookes."
She. "Oh, but our acquaintance has been so brief. This is so sudden——" (Sweetly.) "Why shouldn't I call you Mr. Brookes?"
He. "Oh—only because my name's Somerset!"
[Pg 126]
"Unequal Rating."—A big wife scolding a little husband.
The Divorce Measure.—Half and half.
Feminine Perversity.—Aunt Betsy. "I wonder, James, at your encouraging young Cadby to be so much with Madeline! He's a bad match, and not a good fellow, I fear!" Papa. "Confound him, no! I've given him carte-blanche to come when he likes, and she's getting rather tired of him at last, for I'm always cracking him up!" Aunt Betsy. "And that nice fellow, Goodenough? He's never here now?" Papa. "No; I've forbidden him the house, and won't even allow his name to be mentioned. She's always thinking of him in consequence. I'm in hopes she'll marry him some day!"
VIRGINIA STOCK'S VIEW OF IT.Is Marriage a Failure? Why, yes, to be sure.
But, oh! abolition won't furnish a cure.
Whilst thousands of spinsters in solitude tarry,
It's clearly a failure—because men won't marry.
An "Elastic Band."—The Marriage Tie (in the Divorce Court).
[Pg 127]
A PARTHIAN SHOT
He (after a quarrel, bitterly). "I was a fool when I married you!"
She (quietly, about to leave the room). "Yes; but I thought you would improve!"
[Pg 128]
HARMONY
Brown (Philistine). "I heard it was all 'off' between you and Miss Roweshett."
Wobbinson (�sthete). "Ya-as. Incompatibility of complexion!—she didn't suit my furnitchar!!"
[Pg 129]
'Liza. "Wot's it feel like, bein' in love, Kytie?"
Katie. "Ow, it's prime, 'Liza. It's like 'avin' 'ot treacle runnin' daown yer back!"
[Pg 130]
SONG OF THE HIGHER SENTIMENTSI live a mild domestic life,
Devoted dearly to my wife,
So much so, that from her extends
My fond affection to her friends;
And first of all—no spooney raw—
Oh, don't I love my mother-in-law!
My pet's old parent's rather stout;
I just might clasp her waist about:
Some three yards round, and not much more.
I've thoughts of widening my front-door,
I shouldn't mind the expense one straw.
Oh, don't I love my mother-in-law!
At times I may myself forget,
Which, if she thinks, she tells my pet;
But when I don't do all I should,
Her telling tends to make me good;
I'm pleased to have her find the flaw.
Oh, don't I love my mother-in-law!
The servants that upon her wait
A pleasure have which must be great.
And yet can we get none to stay.
I grieve so when
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