Mr. Punch's Book of Love: Being the Humours of Courtship and Matrimony, Hammerton et al. [free novels to read .txt] 📗
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Alfred.
P.S.—I know my temper is rather short, but then think of my crust! And it speaks well for me that I would rather be roasted fifty times than buttered once. I do hate flummery, certainly.
[Pg 81]
She. "It's no use bothering me, Jack. I shall marry whom I please."
He. "That's all I'm asking you to do, my dear. You please me well enough!"
[Pg 82]
AN UNFORESEEN MATRIMONIAL CONTINGENCY
Angelina. "Did you ever see anything so wonderful as the likeness between old Mr. and Mrs. Bellamy, Edwin? One would think they were brother and sister, instead of husband and wife!"
Edwin. "Married people always grow like each other in time, darling. It's very touching and beautiful to behold!"
Angelina (not without anxiety). "Dear me! And is it invariably the case, my love?"
[Pg 83]
The Widow's Intended. "Well, Tommy, has your mother told you of my good fortune."
Tommy. "No. She only said she was going to marry you!"
[Pg 85]
Young Muddleigh, who has been out buying underwear for his personal use, purchases at the same establishment some flowers for his ladye-love—leaving a note to be enclosed. Imagine Young Muddleigh's horror, on returning to dress, to discover that the underwear had been sent with the note, and the flowers to him! Muddleigh discovered, repeating slowly to himself the contents of the note:—"Please wear these this evening, for my sake!"
[Pg 86]
"IS IT A FAILURE?"
Mamma (their last unmarried daughter having just accepted an offer). "Well, George, now the girls are all happily settled, I think we may consider ourselves fortunate, and that marriage isn't——"
Papa (a pessimist). "Um—'don't know! Four families to keep 'stead of one!"
[Pg 87]
SO FRIVOLOUS!
Wife. "Solomon, I have a bone to pick with you."
Solomon (flippantly) "With pleasure, my dear, so long as it's a funny bone!"
[Pg 89]
"HUSBANDS IN WAITING"
[Pg 90]
Stout Wife. "I shall never get through here, James. If you were half a man, you would lift me over!"
Husband. "If you were half a woman, my dear, it would be easier!"
[Pg 91]
"Was he very much cast down after he'd spoken to papa?"
"Yes. Three flights of stairs!"
[Pg 93]
"SCORED"
Little Wife. "Now, Fred dear, I'm ready."
Lazy Husband. "I'm awfully sorry, dear; but I must stay in, as I'm expecting a friend every minute."
Little Wife (sarcastically). "A friend every minute! Heavens, Fred! What a crowd of friends you'll have by the end of the day!"
[Pg 94]
DECIDEDLY PLEASANT
Genial Youth. "I say, Gubby, old chap, is this really true about your going to marry my sister Edie?"
Gubbins. "Yes, Tommy. It's all settled. But why do you ask?"
G. Y. "Oh! only because I shall have such a jolly slack time now! You know I've pulled off nearly all her engagements so far, only you're the first one who's been a real stayer!!"
[Pg 95]
He. "The joke was, both these girls were hopelessly in love with me, and I made them madly jealous of each other."
She. "I wonder you had the face to do it, Mr. Sparkins!"
[Pg 97]
"WE FELL OUT, MY WIFE AND I"
He. "That's absurd! Do you think I'm as big a fool as I look?"
She. "I think that if you aren't, you have a great deal to be thankful for!"
[Pg 99]
SUCH AN EXAMPLE
Wife (to husband, who has barked his shins violently against the bed, and is muttering something to himself). "Oh, Jack, how can you! Supposing baby were to hear you!"
[Pg 100]
She (after they have walked three miles without a word being spoken). "Aw say, John, tha'art very quoiet. Has nowt fur to say?"
He. "What mun aw say? Aw dunno know."
She. "Say that tha loves me."
He. "It's a'reet sayin' aw love thee, but aw dunno loike tellin' loies!"
[Pg 101]
Partner of his Joys (who has superintended the removal). "Well, dear, you haven't said how you like the new flat!"
[Pg 102]
WHAT TO WEAR ON YOUR WEDDING DAY.(By a Confirmed and Cantankerous Celibate)
Married in white,
You have hooked him all right.
Married in grey,
He will ne'er get away.
Married in black,
He will wish himself back.
Married in red,
He will wish himself dead.
Married in green,
His true colour is seen.
Married in blue,
He will look it, not you.
Married in pearl,
He the distaff will twirl.
Married in yellow,
Poor fellow! Poor fellow!
Married in brown,
Down, down, derry down.
Married in pink,
To a slave he will sink.
Married in crimson,
He'll dangle your whims on.
Married in buff,
He will soon have enough.
Married in scarlet,
Poor victimised varlet!
Married in violet, purple, or puce,
It doesn't much matter, they all mean—the deuce!
[Pg 103]
A CASE OF GREAT INTEREST AT SOUTH KENSINGTON MUSEUM
STUDY FROM LIFE
[Pg 104]
A ROMANCE OF ROAST DUCKS
"My darling, will you take a little of the—a—the stuffing?"
"I will, dear, if you do; but if you don't, I won't."
The Real Fall of Man.—Falling in love!
Qualifying a Sweeping Assertion.—Sophie (after hearing about Frank). "I declare I shall not believe a word a man says to me. They're all liars!" Beatrice. "For shame, Sophie!" Sophie (regretfully). "At least all the nice ones are!"
[Pg 105]
INGRATITUDE
Brown. "Why doesn't Walker stop to speak? Thought he knew you!"
Smith. "Used to; but I introduced him to the girl he married. Neither of them recognises me now!"
[Pg 106]
Advice to Young Housekeepers.—Put your washing out if you do not wish your husband to be put out.
CONGRUOUS COUPLES.
If there's a well-matched pair in married life
It is a horsey man and nagging wife.
Apt Illustration.—Idealism and Realism: Courtship and Marriage.
Far from it.—The woman who is bent on marrying a man because he is a lion, should remember that it does not necessarily follow that she will become a lioness.
Over-Scrupulous.—"My husband is Vicar of St. Boniface—but I don't attend his church." "Indeed! How is that?" "The fact is, I—I don't approve of married clergymen!"
"Home Rule."—Petticoat government.
CALF-LOVE
Calf-love is a passion most people scorn,
Who've loved, and outlived, life and love's young morn;
But there is a calf-love too common by half,
And that's the love of the Golden Calf!
[Pg 107]
HE HAD BEEN KICKED OUT ONCE
She. "Wot time be you a-coming round to-night, Jock?"
Jock. "What time does y'r old man put 'is slippers on?"
[Pg 108]
Mrs. Naggleton's Advice to a Wife.—Defiance, not defence.
Long Odds.—Tall husband and short wife.
WORDS TO A WIFELove, thou'rt like yet unlike mutton,
Likewise beef, and veal, and lamb.
Do not answer that the glutton
I bespeak me that I am.
They in price, year after year, are
Rising, thou must needs allow;
Butcher's meat grows ever dearer:
So, and yet not so, dost thou.
For although my annual payment
To my butcher waxeth still,
Less and less each time for raiment,
Wanes thy linendraper's bill.
Thus by thrift expense thou meetest;
Whence thy wisdom doth appear:
Also, that I find thee, sweetest,
Cheaper still and still more dear.
�sthetics of Dress.—Customer (he has been bidden to a wedding, and can't make up his mind in the matter of trouser patterns, but at last says). "O, there! that'll do, I sh'd think!" Tailor. "Pardon me, sir; if you are going to be 'best man,' the shade is hardly tender enough!"
[Pg 109]
TURTLE-DOVETAILING
["The latest development of phrenological enterprise is the establishment of a phrenological matrimonial bureau, to secure the introduction of persons desiring to be married to partners with suitable or harmonious phrenological endowments."—Daily Paper.]
Miss Evergreen (who has been introduced to Mr. Slowboy). "Well, it may be a lovely head, but ain't he got a big bump of cautiousness!"
[Pg 110]
THE DIVORCE SHOP"A nation of shopkeepers!" Well, that old jeer
May fall with small sting on an Englishman's ear,
For 'tis commerce that keeps the world going.
But this kind of shop? By his b�ton and hunch,
The thought of it sickens the spirit of Punch,
And sets his cheek angrily glowing.
The Philistines, Puritans, Podsnaps, and Prigs
Of Britain play up some preposterous rigs,
And tax e'en cosmopolite charity.
But here is a business that's not to be borne;
Its mead is the flail and the vial of scorn,
Not chaffing or Christmas hilarity.
The skunk
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