Broken, Crimson Rose [adult books to read TXT] 📗
- Author: Crimson Rose
Book online «Broken, Crimson Rose [adult books to read TXT] 📗». Author Crimson Rose
place would make my depression even worst. I seldom see any other patients, but I know who's before me and after me. The person before me is a 17 year old jewish girl. I think she is already married, because it's obvious shes wearing a wig. The person after me is a draft punker boy, who is a year or two older than me. I had a crush on him the first times I started on coming till I learned he uses drugs. I'm not sure if my moms taking his place, but I haven't been seeing him for a while. Either he's hospitalized or he's finally in jail. But he looks like a nice guy, and even if he uses drugs, if I ever see him again, I'll attempt on talking to him.
4th of May
Today was an exam day, so I didn't go to school. Everyone but me and Dean is at school right now, working on algebra. I used this day to go looking around if my flyers are still hung up. After finding two missing, I started on running to the spots I put them. That's when I caught him, trying to mess my messed up life. Dean was tearing down my flyers, and he had at least 10 already in his hands, all crushed up in a fist. I yanked the bunch out of hands and shouted at him 'What the hell are you doing?'. He had an insane expression on his face 'What does it look like I am bitch?'. I knew he was angry with me, but I never guessed he was this angry. He held me by my wrists and pressed me by the wall 'Do you know what you've done to me?' he said literally spitting in my face 'You ruined it all. No other school accepts me, after you told that asshole I raped you. Becca, I didn't rape you, you didn't say anything to stop me. I thought we were in this together.' then he broke down and started on crying. To tell the truth, it's really sad to watch a guy cry, it's as if they aren't meant to. He whispered 'My dad had to bribe the man so I wouldn't be reported to the police. Have you got any idea on how humiliating that was.' I got closer to him, and this time I kissed him. First he was confused, so backed up, but then realized what was going on and kissed me back. He whispered again 'I'm confused...' and I told him 'We are in this together.'. For the first time, I felt as if I'm not alone, no, I had Dean who was also in pain. We both had to make it up for each other, and after all the kissing, we decided we should be friends. Friends on this hard thing called living. Facing life. So he held me by my hand as we put the flyers back up. Although I suggested that we go back to school and tell the principle that Dean didn't rape me, which I still think the concept is raping, he told me he was grateful he wasn't arrested and going back into that building would just be pushing his limits. And now, just as I'm writing these words, a call came from a mother of a third grader asking about the private lessons.
6th of May
Today I gave a private lesson to the third grader that called me on Monday. Her name was Lynda. It was her first time with a violin, and her parents wanted to know if she was gonna like playing it before getting a pro teacher. We stood in the middle of her room, me with a violin too small for me, and her with a violin too big for her. Her mom was in the kitchen, making us some lemonade. I went over to her and explained the situation. I asked if we could switch our violins during the lessons. Such a nice lady, she told me we should switch the violins for good, and keep it like that. I told her how old and over used my violin was, but she said she didn't mind. A part of me didn't want to do the switching, since the violin in my hands had valuable history to me, but the other part of just thought I needed a full sized violin, for money, for food. Plus, it was newer, and gave out a better sound. So on the first day I thought her the four strings sol, re, la, mi; how to place the violin on her shoulder and how to hold the bow. She needs a few more lessons till she gets the hold of these things. But i believe she will be good at it. She reminds me of myself. The me who wanted to play like the virtuosos on the TV from the first day, the me who gave out a huge smile every time when I got something correct. The me that exists no longer. Her mom seemed very satisfied with my tutoring and we scheduled her next lesson on next Tuesday.
8th of May
Yesterday I asked my therapist if we could do something different, like talk about unimportant things. He thought on it and agreed with me. He said we should do popups. Popups is when I say the first thing that comes in my mind, and we just talk about it. So I started off with asking about the punk kid who used to come after me. To my disappointment he said its against his protocols to talk about other patients. So I hopped on from a different angle 'What would happen if I started using drugs?' usually if a teenager asks such a question this only means one thing, that he/she already uses drugs. But he knew what I meant, the thing is this time he has to answer since I didn't specifically ask for information on a client. He said watching the words he uses 'Well, if such a thing was ever to happen, first I would expect you to tell me, you would, right?' I shook my head up and down 'Then we would discuss why you ever would need to use them, because as you can guess drugs is a need just like your cutting.' I knew this already, and this wasn't what I wasn't looking for 'What about my mom had found out, or a teacher?' he waited, again examining his answer 'Well, that's your ticket to the hospital, then to jail. After all, you can't lie...' that's it! 'Is that what happened to him?', I guess at last I got on his nerves 'Becca, it's none of your business, and even if I tell you, you know sharing another patiens personal information might cost me my carrier...' so, yes, he was either in the hospital or arrested. Though tops he is 16, does he go to the adult jail as any other man? I felt sorry for him. Cutting doesn't get you to jail... Time was up anyways, so I told him 'If he still comes here tell him I said hi.'
10th of May
Yesterday, after I came from another private lesson, this time for a boy a year or two younger for me, I came home to find all these official papers. Now that I have to take care of bills, and other stuff, I picked them up to look at what they are, all these pages and pages of paper... I was expecting this, documents for divorcement. It was about time, my mom after all knew the truth for some time and was suffering just to keep me away from suffering. Better that they get divorced, but I hope my dad still supports us financial wise, the laws must provide that. My mom appeared in the doorway, and have me a hug. 'I was going to tell you honey.' but that was the least of my problems. I asked her crossly 'What about the job you were gonna get?' although there is no point in getting angry with her, if I don't use an angry tone of voice, she will never get her butt to find a job. As I wrote down before she's not used to working. She just stood there her mouth half open, looking blankly into my face. So I held her by her wrist, and dragged her along with me to the post office. Our post office has a bulletin board which I hung my flyer up. It usually has basic job offerings up. There we were, looking at ten different jobs, looking for one that is ordeal for a woman that has no previous experience of any kind. In the end I forced her to call this dentist so she can get to be a secretary. She is going to go to be interviewed on Monday, which is tomorrow. I'm sure she'll be fine, after all she has always been my secretary in life...
12th of May
Yesterday, I let Dean walk me to school. Don't get me wrong, I know we kissed a few days ago, but are not girlfriend-boyfriend. He just wanted to have a talk, and once we've reached school say hi to a few fellows. I can't keep myself from feeling guilty. After all, I cant blame him for liking me...okay, beyond that he used me and I wasn't expecting this to happen so soon, after all I'm just 15, but what's done is done. On the way first he asked me about school. How some of his friends were doing, if so and so broke up yet... But then he went on talking about the day my dad had slapped me, and our, in the same time my, first kiss. 'Honestly, what was going on that day?' thank you Dean, not even my therapist had asked me about it, and I really need to talk. 'Family problems.' as I do with my therapist, first I didn't give him a full answer, its the way to get the listener curious. 'Family problems? Who cheated on who?' he was joking, he didn't expect me to give an answer 'My dad on my mom. It had been going on for a while...'. His expression went serious 'How did you guys find out?' so I went on telling him what had been going on since I was 8. I told him about the slap, about the papers. Then I went back to what happened before. I told him about Lucifer, about my violin. And he just listened, nodding and kicking pebbles as he walked. We walked slowly, and I talked until I had nearly nothing else to say. We stopped at a point, and I talked looking at the floor. When we finally got to the school gate, and he told me he was going back home and he wasn't gonna say hi to anybody. Just as he was about to leave, when I held him by his shoulders. I told him 'Thank you.' and he left.
Today, again I tutored Lynda. Finally she stubbornly stomped her foot and threw the violin on the floor 'I can't do this!'. Thats how the second violin that had at least some violin got smashed. I wanted to slap her, to strangle her, but after all I had done the same thing to my own handmade violin. Plus, now that violin was no longer mine. So I packed my own violin, as calmly as possible, and stormed out.
14th of May
Another day with the therapist. Today he looked overwhelmed. I wonder if it was a previous patient or a problem with his personal life. Today it was me to start the talking, to see if it's work that got him tired I said 'No
4th of May
Today was an exam day, so I didn't go to school. Everyone but me and Dean is at school right now, working on algebra. I used this day to go looking around if my flyers are still hung up. After finding two missing, I started on running to the spots I put them. That's when I caught him, trying to mess my messed up life. Dean was tearing down my flyers, and he had at least 10 already in his hands, all crushed up in a fist. I yanked the bunch out of hands and shouted at him 'What the hell are you doing?'. He had an insane expression on his face 'What does it look like I am bitch?'. I knew he was angry with me, but I never guessed he was this angry. He held me by my wrists and pressed me by the wall 'Do you know what you've done to me?' he said literally spitting in my face 'You ruined it all. No other school accepts me, after you told that asshole I raped you. Becca, I didn't rape you, you didn't say anything to stop me. I thought we were in this together.' then he broke down and started on crying. To tell the truth, it's really sad to watch a guy cry, it's as if they aren't meant to. He whispered 'My dad had to bribe the man so I wouldn't be reported to the police. Have you got any idea on how humiliating that was.' I got closer to him, and this time I kissed him. First he was confused, so backed up, but then realized what was going on and kissed me back. He whispered again 'I'm confused...' and I told him 'We are in this together.'. For the first time, I felt as if I'm not alone, no, I had Dean who was also in pain. We both had to make it up for each other, and after all the kissing, we decided we should be friends. Friends on this hard thing called living. Facing life. So he held me by my hand as we put the flyers back up. Although I suggested that we go back to school and tell the principle that Dean didn't rape me, which I still think the concept is raping, he told me he was grateful he wasn't arrested and going back into that building would just be pushing his limits. And now, just as I'm writing these words, a call came from a mother of a third grader asking about the private lessons.
6th of May
Today I gave a private lesson to the third grader that called me on Monday. Her name was Lynda. It was her first time with a violin, and her parents wanted to know if she was gonna like playing it before getting a pro teacher. We stood in the middle of her room, me with a violin too small for me, and her with a violin too big for her. Her mom was in the kitchen, making us some lemonade. I went over to her and explained the situation. I asked if we could switch our violins during the lessons. Such a nice lady, she told me we should switch the violins for good, and keep it like that. I told her how old and over used my violin was, but she said she didn't mind. A part of me didn't want to do the switching, since the violin in my hands had valuable history to me, but the other part of just thought I needed a full sized violin, for money, for food. Plus, it was newer, and gave out a better sound. So on the first day I thought her the four strings sol, re, la, mi; how to place the violin on her shoulder and how to hold the bow. She needs a few more lessons till she gets the hold of these things. But i believe she will be good at it. She reminds me of myself. The me who wanted to play like the virtuosos on the TV from the first day, the me who gave out a huge smile every time when I got something correct. The me that exists no longer. Her mom seemed very satisfied with my tutoring and we scheduled her next lesson on next Tuesday.
8th of May
Yesterday I asked my therapist if we could do something different, like talk about unimportant things. He thought on it and agreed with me. He said we should do popups. Popups is when I say the first thing that comes in my mind, and we just talk about it. So I started off with asking about the punk kid who used to come after me. To my disappointment he said its against his protocols to talk about other patients. So I hopped on from a different angle 'What would happen if I started using drugs?' usually if a teenager asks such a question this only means one thing, that he/she already uses drugs. But he knew what I meant, the thing is this time he has to answer since I didn't specifically ask for information on a client. He said watching the words he uses 'Well, if such a thing was ever to happen, first I would expect you to tell me, you would, right?' I shook my head up and down 'Then we would discuss why you ever would need to use them, because as you can guess drugs is a need just like your cutting.' I knew this already, and this wasn't what I wasn't looking for 'What about my mom had found out, or a teacher?' he waited, again examining his answer 'Well, that's your ticket to the hospital, then to jail. After all, you can't lie...' that's it! 'Is that what happened to him?', I guess at last I got on his nerves 'Becca, it's none of your business, and even if I tell you, you know sharing another patiens personal information might cost me my carrier...' so, yes, he was either in the hospital or arrested. Though tops he is 16, does he go to the adult jail as any other man? I felt sorry for him. Cutting doesn't get you to jail... Time was up anyways, so I told him 'If he still comes here tell him I said hi.'
10th of May
Yesterday, after I came from another private lesson, this time for a boy a year or two younger for me, I came home to find all these official papers. Now that I have to take care of bills, and other stuff, I picked them up to look at what they are, all these pages and pages of paper... I was expecting this, documents for divorcement. It was about time, my mom after all knew the truth for some time and was suffering just to keep me away from suffering. Better that they get divorced, but I hope my dad still supports us financial wise, the laws must provide that. My mom appeared in the doorway, and have me a hug. 'I was going to tell you honey.' but that was the least of my problems. I asked her crossly 'What about the job you were gonna get?' although there is no point in getting angry with her, if I don't use an angry tone of voice, she will never get her butt to find a job. As I wrote down before she's not used to working. She just stood there her mouth half open, looking blankly into my face. So I held her by her wrist, and dragged her along with me to the post office. Our post office has a bulletin board which I hung my flyer up. It usually has basic job offerings up. There we were, looking at ten different jobs, looking for one that is ordeal for a woman that has no previous experience of any kind. In the end I forced her to call this dentist so she can get to be a secretary. She is going to go to be interviewed on Monday, which is tomorrow. I'm sure she'll be fine, after all she has always been my secretary in life...
12th of May
Yesterday, I let Dean walk me to school. Don't get me wrong, I know we kissed a few days ago, but are not girlfriend-boyfriend. He just wanted to have a talk, and once we've reached school say hi to a few fellows. I can't keep myself from feeling guilty. After all, I cant blame him for liking me...okay, beyond that he used me and I wasn't expecting this to happen so soon, after all I'm just 15, but what's done is done. On the way first he asked me about school. How some of his friends were doing, if so and so broke up yet... But then he went on talking about the day my dad had slapped me, and our, in the same time my, first kiss. 'Honestly, what was going on that day?' thank you Dean, not even my therapist had asked me about it, and I really need to talk. 'Family problems.' as I do with my therapist, first I didn't give him a full answer, its the way to get the listener curious. 'Family problems? Who cheated on who?' he was joking, he didn't expect me to give an answer 'My dad on my mom. It had been going on for a while...'. His expression went serious 'How did you guys find out?' so I went on telling him what had been going on since I was 8. I told him about the slap, about the papers. Then I went back to what happened before. I told him about Lucifer, about my violin. And he just listened, nodding and kicking pebbles as he walked. We walked slowly, and I talked until I had nearly nothing else to say. We stopped at a point, and I talked looking at the floor. When we finally got to the school gate, and he told me he was going back home and he wasn't gonna say hi to anybody. Just as he was about to leave, when I held him by his shoulders. I told him 'Thank you.' and he left.
Today, again I tutored Lynda. Finally she stubbornly stomped her foot and threw the violin on the floor 'I can't do this!'. Thats how the second violin that had at least some violin got smashed. I wanted to slap her, to strangle her, but after all I had done the same thing to my own handmade violin. Plus, now that violin was no longer mine. So I packed my own violin, as calmly as possible, and stormed out.
14th of May
Another day with the therapist. Today he looked overwhelmed. I wonder if it was a previous patient or a problem with his personal life. Today it was me to start the talking, to see if it's work that got him tired I said 'No
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