No Limits, Me :) [reading an ebook .txt] 📗

~ What is my biggest fear? ~

My biggest fear is to be the laughing stock of the population. To be that girl, who everyone laughs at when she's not looking. That girl who everyone knows but no one actually knows her. That girl who has even her friends laughing at her behind her back and talking shit about her.

That is my biggest fear.
I wanna know, I love to know, that someone, anyone, actually likes me. Knowing that they enjoy my company, knowing that they want to talk to me. Not because there is no one else around, not because they're just being polite, but because they want to actually talk to me, get to know me, be my friend.

Normally, i always make the first move. I walk towards the person, I start the conversation, I send the first message, I make the plans, I ask if I can join other already made plans, and so on...

But sometimes, there are people, they walk to me first, they send the first message, they start the conversation, they make plans with me, etc. However, this rarely ever happens, at all.

It makes me feel as if I really am "that girl" and i just don't know it. It makes me feel insecure, as if from the very second i turn my back, everyone is snickering, judging, and laughing at me.

I don't know if it's normal for me to feel this way or if everyone is like this or maybe it's just a girl thing. This year, things finally changed, i made new friends, who like me for me. Sometimes i feel like I'm pushing the relationship more than I should be, but if i didn't have to push it a little, it wouldn't work at all. But, it's definitely a two way relationship, i have more affection towards this person than they do for me, surely, but, that person still messages me first, talks to me everyday when she isn't obliged to, we make plans together, just to the two of us. It's real, but sometimes, it's still hard and i feel like I'm too clingy and annoying.

 

04-24-2016

~ What are the words you need to hear? ~

 I don't know if everyone has this but there are definitely some things I need to hear. My first thoughts when this came to my mind were based on two things, my mom and guys. 

First, my mom. I want to hear her say, "I am proud of you." or "I know you're working hard." or "You deserve it." But so far, nothing. I know that I'm improving in school. Even my grades are showing it, I'm working so fucking hard. All of the comments the teachers wrote on my report card were positive except for one or two, which is completely amazing. Every single one of my averages in each class had gone up except of one or two (out of 9), which is astounding, But my mom, handed me my report card, poker faced, says nothing. I was waiting for her for weeks to congradulate me on how well I had progressed but I never got it, nothing, nada.

So, here I am, still annoyed by how she doesn't realise how much I am doing. I feel like I deserve it and that it's unfair that I sit here and end up thinking that maybe I'm just not good enough for her and I'm just a piece of crap. And right now, I'm stressing about asking her to let me go to a party that I cannot, in any way at all, miss. I know I deserve to go to this party, I'm a fucking innocent soul. Never smoked, only been drunk once, I think, never had a boyfriend, never kissed a guy, obviously a virgin for that matter...

But I still sit here, contemplating on when to ask my mom if I could go to a party that takes place in about a month and will have to beg her on my knees, maybe, probably not. She's gonna give me the usual, "I need to call the parents" line that she gives everytime, and I'm gonna be shown off as that goody-two-shoes girl whose mom needs to be sure that her little girl will be safe.

I hate the fact that mom won't let me go to a party if I don't get the parents' phone number and make sure she actually calls them beforehand. It makes me feel like she doesn't have any trust towards me at all whatsoever. As if, I were just some little girl who always needs adult supervision. 'When you go home, make sure they walk you all the way down to the door downstairs. I want you to call me and hear the voice of the person who takes you so I know you're not alone." and "You can't just walk around town like that. I need to know where you are. What if something happens to you? I won't know where you are. Just send me a text or call me to tell me, that's it."

 

Now, guys. I mean, I've never had a boyfriend, never even kissed a guy before. I don't know any guy who has ever liked me in any way... Never had actual guys friend, well, until this year. A lot changed this year... Yet, still never kissed a guy before, never been call pretty, beautiful or anything to my face by a guy before.

I've been told my braids were cute once, but it was a school dress-up day and I had a few small braids around my hair to give it a cute, messy, just-woke-up look. I also found out that this one guy I recently had become friends with actually enjoyed my company but it was someone else who told me.

There was also that one time about a month ago where this guy, I've never had a conversation with him before, he's friends with a close friend of mine and I see him once a week every week. We always say hey plus a small how are you? and that's it. But during the vacation, I was walking home with my family, and I spot him. He was sitting on the entrance steps of a bank with about four or five other girls. I was planning to walk straight past him acting as if I hadn't seen him but hoping he'd notice me, just for the attention but my mom decided to walk into that bank, the one we was sitting in front of. I awkwardly smile, hoping that he'd actually recognise me and he smiled back. He was actually blowing his nose, which made it even more awkward. We said our usual hey and how are you? and then I forced myself to go inside of the bank instead of awkwardly standing outside.

However, my little sister had to stay outside to warn my big sister that we were here once she came back. I was checking out how bad I looked in the meantime. I would look towards the group of teenagers every once in a while, they were also looking my way. They were definitely talking about me. I was so disappointed, dressed in sweatpants, dirty hair thrown into a ponytail, big shirt with a plaid jacket on top, oh, I forgot the detail of how hot this guy was.

Mom finally finished and we walked out of the building, I would look back at them a few times, discretly, and find them looking my way. But you would never believe what my little sister started saying. Apparently, he called me pretty! She said that the girls asked who I was and that they didn't recognise me, they said something about a party, but i haven't been to any with him... And they he said something around the lines of "Oh, i don't know, she's pretty..."

Like, whaaaaaaaat! It took me a week to get over this. But still, he didn't say it to my face, and that other guy who said my braids were cute, was just talking about my braids, not me. Well, maybe he was but it wasn't directly to me.

So I want a guy to say to my face, what they want to say. That first guy who I found out, actually enjoys my company, should say that to me. That guy who said my braids were cute, should tell me I'm cute. That guy who told other girls he thought I was pretty, should have told me I was pretty.

I just want to hear things, I hope, of course, that most of it will be good, but I don't mind the bad comments. If I'm fucking annoying to you and you don't like me, fucking tell me and don't be fake. If you didn't invite me to your party because you actually don't like me and not because there's too many people then fucking tell me. Don't lie to make me feel better, or to make yourself feel better. But also, say what's on your mind, give people compliments when you think they look nice, or you like how they changed their hair up, you like the shirt they're wearing or their shoes, anything. Tell her that she looks pretty, tell her that she's beautiful, it will change her, for sure. Make her feel good about herself, make her smile, she'll think about it for hours, days, weeks... At least, I would.

 

 05-01-2016

~ What does unconditional love look like for you? ~

 So, this is an interesting topic for me. I've never been in love, I've never been in a relationship before, so my point of view will be only a fantasy instead of a realistic reality of life.

But, unconditional love, is a relationship with someone who you can be comfortable with. You can tell them anything, everything. You can act crazy, stupid, and wierd with them. You can look and be ugly, disgusting, and foolish around them. They won't care because they would act the exact same way around you.

You understand each other, you know what that other person is feeling. Whenever they are hurting, you heal their wound, whenever they feel sad, you make them smile, whenever they need someone to talk to or to vent to, you're always there with open arms and ears.

Unconditional love for me, is when the relationship is