The OOBS, CC Raz [best ereader for academics txt] 📗

be without lame jokes? No where.

PPS- I think that Jake is either high or drunk. He's in California, texting me, and.. "Hey sis :) lol" Um... What?
     Um... yeah. He's high. I asked him how the trip is going and he said, "Omg its spectacularrrrrrrrrrrrr we found a cannabis cluuuubbbbbbb" Hmm. Yeah, that would explain the "sis", the smiley, and the "lol" at the end of the message. And the fact that I got a message at all when he's on vacation with Alejandro. Whatever. Have fun, Jake.

OOB#FSDepression

6/30

I hope that that message didn't say anything important, because... yeah I couldn't figure it out. Something's wrong with it. WAY wrong. So... yeah. I spent like half an hour trying to figure it all out. And then I just gave up. Because I redid the whole alphabet thing over and over and over, tried going up and down, and nothing made sense AT all. AT ALL. So... Sorry. :( Maybe... I dunno.

Everything is still so confusing. No questions were answered. And next time you write a letter saying that you're saying goodbye, PLEASE put a farming date on it so that I know if it was written before or after the one saying that you'll never let me go. Please? And thank you.

And if you're going to write a coded message, it better not be about dancing and how much you can't wait (!) to dance and how much fun you had floating the river in an inner tube. If I'm going to spend that much time decoding a message, it better be important. Please and thanks.

Sorry. I sound mad. I'm just kinda pissed at... Everyone, I guess. It's just... I'm so confused. I don't know what I'm doing and honestly, you have no farming idea how much it pisses me off when you say that I don't live by Bible principles. Um... Sorry, Gwen. Sorry I'm not JW. That does NOT mean that I don't follow what the Bible says. I'm going to a farming CATHOLIC college. Yeah, I know. It's not JW. But I'm obviously not choosing it because it's ranked as one of the best party schools. In less than 2 weeks, I'm paying almost $200 to go on a 3 day trip where we will do nothing but learn more about God and our faith, and spend time strengthening our relationships with God. But you're right. I don't live by Bible principles. Sorry I don't use YOUR Bible to guide my beliefs.

And your mom is deciding to work even less? Cool. You know, it's really funny that you guys say you don't have anything to do with government, unless you're recieving money from them. I think that's REALLY funny. So that your mom can spend her time walking door to door all day, while other people get to pay for her. And I know we're on welfare too. But my mom does have a job. And she has income other than the government. We don't rely soley on other peoples' tax dollars to pay for our stuff. Your mom doesn't have any little kids anymore. They are all old enough to be home by themselves for a while. And if you'll be homeschooled, then they won't be home alone. She should have a part time job AT LEAST. One with regular work, not just every once in a while. I know this isn't your fault. But it PISSES me off. I have NO respect for that woman. She CHOOSES to let her children live in poverty. Is that really what God wants? For you guys to have to CONSTANTLY rely on other people for your basic necessities? REALLY? NO! That is NOT what God wants. Your mother needs to step up and be a mother. She's divorced and her ex husband doesn't pay child support. Do you know what that means? That means you get a farming job and pay for your kids.

I am just so pissed. At everyone. Everything. My mom said that Ken isn't going to Idaho with us because every time they talk about it it ends in a huge fight and she doesn't even want to stay with him right now so why would he come with us? But now he's coming. Now everything's fine. Really? Because the last two nights I had to hold you while you cried because you were sick of him. She's not the only one who has to ride this roller coaster. Just farming break up with him! If you don't want him around, and he's constantly an asshole to you, and the good times aren't worth it, then stop inviting him over for dinner, stop inviting him to come on our family vacations, and stop hugging and kissing him every chance you get! Just STOP. Stop. And don't tell me to come read Gwen's letters in your room so that I can tell you the important stuff, and then yell at me for having papers all over the bed. Well I'm sorry. You wanted me in here and I have to decode this. You can farming deal with it.

Why the farm does Shelsey get an allowance when Dad owes everyone and their mother money? You don't have $40 to pay Jake back for the windshield wipers that he had to buy for your car A YEAR AGO, but you can pay Shelsey twenty farming dollars a week for chores that aren't even really chores, it's just stuff that needs to be done? Like feeding the farming dogs? Why don't I get paid for making dinner for your kids? I do it all the time. And breakfast. And lunch. Farming asshole.

Shelsey just thinks it's okay for her to tear our family apart. And Mom just makes excuses for her. "She's only 13, Cassie, and she's immature for her age." So. Farming. What. What was I doing when I was 13? Taking care of my siblings. Playing school sports. Getting good grades. I had to grow up REALLY fast when my parents divorced, because I was now the person who everyone relied on. WHY THE FARM doesn't she have to grow up too? Why the farm is everyone making excuses for her? "She's just immature." So that doesn't mean you just give in to her every wish. You have to tell her no. Because she's 13.

And Jake has to come in and sit on all my stuff and try to talk to me about his vacation. I don't farming care. I've just spent the last half hour trying to decode this message but either I'm missing something or she messed up because this makes no sense and I really don't farming care about your trip to California. This is more important right now. But thanks for, you know, sitting on my stuff and distracting me and making it take even longer for me to figure out that I will never decode the farming message.

I'm pissed that I have to babysit Jacob. Delainey made it sound like you were done with Jacob for sure. The letters don't really tell me that. So do I still have to keep his hopes up for your future? Or can I be done with it. It's VERY frustrating to have to lie to someone so that they don't get hurt, when you don't even like the person at all.
    And your mom wasn't using my words against me. That email that she read where I was agreeing with you? I mean it. Every word. I am done with this kid. I want him out. Done. Gone. I don't want to have to talk to him or see him again because I despise this boy.

You know... I don't even know how I can go on like this. My plan is to go to the Kingdom Hall so that I can see you. And if anyone asks me what brings me there that day, I didn't know what to say. So I talked to my mom and she said that my heart was bringing me there, and that's all that I need to say. Because it's the truth. Someone in my heart who I love a TON is what brought me there. But then, I realized that that isn't even a sufficient answer. It might be for someone who doesn't hate me. But your mom would just flip that around and say that the heart is treacherous and will only do me wrong and here's a bunch of scriptures explaining why it's bad to follow what your heart says. Even if my heart is bringing me to your church, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if I'm going to support you in your faith. None of that matters. Because I'm not JW.

I'm just so sick of everything. EVERYTHING. Lies, hurt, pain, everything. I can't trust anyone. There's no way that I can win. What is even the point?
     I know that when I go to meeting I won't be able to talk to you. If I were Delainey, who IS someone who does bad things on a daily basis and really doesn't live by the Bible, I'd be able to talk to you. But no. I'm someone who had you over at my house every Saturday morning so that we could discuss certain parts of the Bible. So I need to be kept as far away from you as possible. That makes a TON of sense. Of course.

You still have tons of stuff here. But I'm not giving it back until you come and get it. Your mom is just gonna have to suck it up and bring you over here. And you better be the one to pick it up. It's your property and I'm not about to give it up to anyone who isn't you.

Nothing is okay. Nothing. I can't think. I can't function. I can barely breathe right now. This is too much to deal with at once. I can't sleep. And that doesn't help anything. I'm so tired. Of everything. Of not having my best friend here to help me through this.

I have cried so much the last 3 weeks. Because that's the only thing that makes me feel better. To just break down and cry and cry and cry.

I'm going to bed. I love you, Gwen. I'll see you soon. In less than 48 hours, I'll see you. I dunno if i'll be able to talk to you. i dunno if that's what would be best or it that'll just make everything worst. I don't know. I don't know ANYTHING. I just know that I'm going to bed and that in 2 days I'll be within eyesight of you.

Love,
CC Raz

OOB#19. Gone.