The gospel of Itchy Wiggle Christ, Gregory-John McCormick, Ralf Dellhofen [black books to read .TXT] 📗

anything wrong. i don´t see anything at all, and that is exactly what i like the most. not so much in the way of a dream, but what i don´t remember which is disturbing me the most. it can´t all be so bad, you say? you have no idea. when i cannot remember dreams. me, the one who laughs at my nightmares and tries to egg them on. when i can´t remember the dreams, it means usually that they were so bad that i cannot bear to think of what they were about. what the hell that might mean is perplexing to me, and it bothers me. nothing scares me so much, at least nothing that i have not handled in one way or another at some point in my sad life. so what in blazes could bother me so much that i would subconsciously suppress it? midgets in my dreams? clowns? angry vengeful jeebus on a crutch? maybe a bar-owner chasing me down after i didn´t pay my drinking bill? angry meat-eaters? ronald mcdonald?

 

my weapons do more than make a lot of noise, they will kill you. and it is another end to another day in hell, to be followed by more and more and more. and on this lovely friday the thirteenth i received no mail, just as i received no mail on any day this week or any day last week. i wonder sometimes what all these peep-holes who claim to care about me are doing, what is so important in their lives to forget about me and think i don´t need their letters, especially when i write to them. as if prison is not bad enough, i have to feel forgotten and alone and abandoned. i am looking forward to my funeral. jaysus, i am forty years old and alone and forgotten, more than half my life gone and rotting away in prison. whatever all those who "forgot" to write me the last two weeks are doing, i hope they are enjoying themselves. goodnight, whoever you are. danke.

 

beautiful good shit-fuck morning - saturday, waffle breakfast and faggot schwarze monsters everywhere, and me feeling so helplessly alone and forgotten. nothing on TV. used to be when i was young the TV had bugs bunny cartoons on all saturday mornings, now there is only shit, old movies and spanish stuff i can barely understand. funny, for me watching spanish TV, it is similar to how i look at my life and what it has become. i look at what is happening, i see what is happening, but i do not understand what is going on. i don´t understand because there is a missing part. with the TV i know it is because i don´t speak spanish, with my life. it is that i understand nothing - all i can think of, is that evil is winning in this world. evil is everywhere and especially in my life. evil keeps me imprisoned and evil helps the nazi state of michigan to keep me. me, a true lover of freedom, a man committed to the sanctity of life and the fight against evil. we have failed master, we have failed. and everything i learned as a boy, all the catholic shit about goodness always winning over evil, how jesus will protect the innocent and good - it is all garbage and claptrap shit. evil runs rampant in this world and it takes all it wishes to take, nothing opposes it. there is no god to hear my prayers, but here they are for your own enjoyment: FREE ME FROM THIS HELL, STRIKE DOWN MY ENEMIES WITH DISEASE, LET MY DEATH BE GENTLE, BRING THIS WORLD TO ITS FUCKING KNEES, RAISE MY SPIRIT FROM THE WHEEL OF DEATH: SAVE ME FROM MYSELF.

 

´tis unnatural, flying firey demons. ´tis the work of the devil, this voyage is cursed. midgets, horribly misshapen dwarves, giants, the evil english pendragon. death to all life, evil reigns, this world is shit, this world is death, people are shit, and i´m the stinkiest of all pieces of crap. i must die eventually. i can´t take this anymore.

 

let´s get the hell out of here. piss on it all, or, don´t piss on it if it is not from around here. there are so many absolutely stupid things in this world, it makes me wonder why i do not seem to "get it", or to understand. i know i have been "blessed" with a very high IQ, and a psychologist once told me that i would never feel as tho i were part of the human race. i would forever feel isolated. but maybe that is the part that i really do understand - the fact that i just cannot understand. i mean, what kind of retards watch all the idiotic programs on TV? what kind of moronic imbeciles listen to rap or hip-hop music? who are the stupid fuck-heads who actually buy all the products that are offered on TV commercials? it is the nameless mindless horde, the masses, it could even be you, dear reader. and that scares me a bit. i can imagine that if you are one of the nameless horde, that i must seem to you to be a raving lunatic, a true madman. you may not even have the ability to understand my genius. in actuality, only .001 percent of the world could ever really understand me. maybe another .1 percent of you might be able to just grasp my meanings. the rest of you idiots are reading this and thinking i am mad or insane. so be it. the evil nazis of michigan feel the same, so you are not alone. my intelligence is of an abstract-creative sort. i see things and process information completely different than any of you. only a few in history who are known to you had the same genius. vincent van gogh for one. my long lost and misunderstood brother vincent. where is he buried, by the way? near paris or in the netherlands? ah well. jim morrison was another. i know where he is buried, if he is buried there at all. i used to visit him every day when i was in paris, at pére lachaise. i took whiskey and wine and would drink for hours and talk to jim. i am obsessed in a way with the dead.

 

the night, the mystery, the waste of thought, the creative urge, the dead cow´s blood being painted by the psycho-boy. working, trying to forget myself, watching lara croft/angelina and having bad thoughts of things i should not. carnal pleasures. no longer an option with psycho-boy. migraine headache all day long, same as yesterday, sick as all hell and nothing nothing nothing i can do to stop it. i want it all to stop, i want the loneliness, sadness, pain, heartbreak. every fucking day the same. how much longer can i bear all this before i give up "with extreme prejudice"? ja, i´ll watch more angelina jolie and paint dead cows and psychotic clowns with butcher knives and take 21 aspirins a day. i´ll be just fine. life is great. ja, i am lucky to be alive. so much to live for.

 

i´ve got my life and i´ve got my wife, that´s all a man needs to turn things around. yeah, sure, and i´ve got neither a life nor a wife, only pain. so nothing will turn around. dragging around the corpses of my past. infinity is broken, the end is black and timeless. part of the whole, my parts in the hole. practice at agony. torture is my best friend. tried and true, black and blue. hunting boots and a tutu. little debbie turning tricks out in the warzone. once long ago i fucked a girl from germany who´s mother had sixteen kids from various fathers, her mother received the "mother´s cross" from adolf hitler personally. it seemed very strange, like i was fucking history. she was an aryan model, also, blond hair and blue eyes. we did it standing up in a closet at a party. hmm, what a strange life. once in awhile i have glimpses of my past and it seems like i was some other completely. you ate my ear, you killed my wife, you told the police. what kind of sicko would take a dead body? i miss my cats so very much. maybe i should think about getting that mole on my dick removed.

 

for the glory of the empire. all i need is fifteen more. do i have enough veneral disease films? hemorrhoids anyone? when was the last time i tasted a beer? i have no morale to boost. no choices left. say cheese for the camera. dogs lick their balls because they can. cockroaches maliciously burning down ghetto dwellings, they could not stand the sound of ghetto rap music, proving cockroaches are smarter than even the shit-heads who listen to that crap. amazing grace saved a wretch like me? NO IT DID NOT. religion is a lie, and you are as stupid as rap music listeners if you believe in the shit all the religious fucks are trying to make you believe. they only want you to believe so they can feel that they are safe in their own foolish beliefs. and if you think that young nuns in the convent do not play with each other´s pussies, you really are naive. and that seems like it would be a good movie, starring angelina jolie and jennifer tilly, ha ha. maybe i could be the father confessor, hm. ja, bad thoughts, must be suppressed. how long has it been since i touched a woman? so very very very long. for that matter, how long since i pet a cat or dog, or ate pizza, or saw a decent movie without goddamned commercials. so many things people take for granted that i never see or feel or experience.

 

i had a dream that the woman i love was crying, and i thought to myself, if only this were true, she would never be crying if i were with her, because i would always make her happy, above all things i do. but it is one of the things i cannot know. i am just a piece of shit in a nazi prison. amazing grace, suck my skinny irish ass.

 

oh god if you were only there. painting, fuzzy, crapping my thoughts out onto the paper-card shit i paint on. cow intestines and blood. sometimes this shit even takes me away from my actual hell. my medical report is not so good, i have had a migraine headache for four straight days now, and aspirin does not make it go away. it is a scary kind of pain, really unlike what i´ve felt before. it´s all part of my ongoing thing, that i believe i am actually very ill with some kind of very bad thing, cancer may hap. if so, i can only say it is a gift, altho i´m not crazy about the idea of my life ending in this shit-hole, to get away from here by dying would be acceptable, especially when i don´t think i will get out any other way. i have many things i want to still do with my life, but, i´ve done a hell of a lot already, more than most ever do. but spending any more time in here just is not going to do me any good. my soul is sick and getting sicker every day, it is no question that my body is following. so i feel like i must puke now, i will do so and sleep. g´night all.

 

saints preserve us, a spike in oil prices this fine morning in hell. lots of dead american soldiers, lots of kidnapping-hostage stuff. lots of good things for the usa in the news. hope those soldiers finally had an epiphany as they died, realizing how futile and worthless their death is. to actually die for the usa?