The Funny Thing about Norman Foreman, Julietta Henderson [best novels to read for students .TXT] 📗

But I know that I won’t ever be able to make time go backwards, because that’s just physics. So instead I just have to do the one thing that I can do.

‘Now, folks, next up we’ve got a young fellow who’s come all the way from sunny Cornwall to perform for us here at the Duke for the Fringe. Ladies and gentlemen, would you be so kind as to put your beers down and your hands together so you can give it up for Little Big Man, in his brand-new show, Sausages and Gravitas. For one night only, Mr Norrrrrman Forrrreman!’

I straighten my back the way Leonard showed me to, by pretending someone has a big, long string on the top of my head and is pulling it up really tight. Then I close my eyes and start to take in my best breath, just like Big Al taught me. Slowly, in through my nose without stopping, until I can feel the new air in the back of my throat, down to my chest, into my tummy, through my legs and right to the very end of my toes. Breath is life, Norman.

In between the spots in the back of my eyelids I can see Jax standing right in front of me. He leans forward so his nose is nearly touching mine and I feel a little whoosh of air when he blinks. The biggest breath I’ve ever taken is swirling around inside me and just when I think there’s no more room I take one more huge gulp of air, and I feel the last piece of scale on my chest split wide open. Jax winks at me and then he’s gone. I open my eyes and look out to where a microphone, a spotlight and my mum are waiting for me.

I exhale in one giant whoosh and step out into the light. And now I’m breathing for two.

53

Notes for the Fringe 2021

Sausages and Gravitas: A Second Helping

So. Family. (Pause for effect, Jaxy style, and for everyone to think about what might be coming.) There’s a part in my favourite book this year that says you can choose your friends but you sure can’t choose your family. And yeah, I know a few of you would probably say your home life might look a whole lot different if you could. Am I right? (Pause for laughter and agreement, hopefully.)

But actually, I did. Well, some of them anyhow. For a very long time my family was only me and my mum. No granny or grandpa, no uncles or aunties, no cousins. Not even a dog. I guess the closest we came to adding a few was the Summer of the Sea Monkeys. (Pause for laughter, although don’t bet on it. Note: find out how many people actually know about sea monkeys apart from me, Mum and Jax.)

And you know what? It was enough. It’s not like me and Mum set out to look for people to join our family on purpose. Except for my dad, of course. Although knowing who he was a little sooner might have helped me make a better choice when I picked a footy team to follow. (Pause for laughter.) As it was, the only advice I had to go on was second-hand from my mum, passed on from my grandad. (Pause for audience to wonder who my team is.) West Bromwich. I know. What can I say? I wish he was still alive so I could get an explanation. (Make eye contact with audience member, pause for more laughter. Hopefully.)

So. Family. (Long pause, look at the audience. Not sure what for. Note: study Jack Dee YouTube clips for more tips on Jaxy’s pause for effect rule.) The funny thing is, you might be surprised who you’d choose if they were put in front of you, and then your family might end up looking totally different to anything you’ve ever imagined. And I speak from experience. (Pause for a little bit of laughter.) Because the family I chose looks like the worst episode of Come Dine with Me you’ve ever seen. (Pause for big laughter. Hopefully.) Worse than the celebrity special even. (Pause for even bigger laughter, with any luck.)

But seriously. Families. (That’s the rule of three covered. Pause for everyone to think about their own family. Although how would I know if they were? Correction: pause and hope for the best.) Some of you might have heard about my family because of that story in the papers about what happened up here this time last year. (Pause for some people to maybe clock who I am.) Oh, yeahhhhhhh. I’m THAT guy. But I swear, only about half of what they said was true. I mean, they were right about us cracking one of the biggest gambling scams in Edinburgh once we handed over that notebook to the police. (Jack Dee pause.) But there’s no way James and I stopped for a mojito on the way through the club. It was a mocktail, come on – I’m a kid! (Pause for laughter. Surely!)

Actually, what happened that night is pretty much the only reason I’m here tonight, so it turned out to be the reason I’ve had the best year of my life. In fact, I reckon you’d say it’s been a Helluva Year. And that’s a whole other story.

End of notes.

As you can see, I haven’t really got much down on paper yet for my next show, but Big Al reckons I’ve got enough material in my head to do a residency in Vegas. He says all I need to do is get it from my brain and out through my mouth without taking too many deviations, which gave me a few ideas. The Vegas part, not the deviations.

But I don’t reckon that’ll happen until I’m at least eighteen, and maybe by then I’ll have made enough money to pay for Mum and Big Al