The Merry Wives of Windsor, William Shakespeare [bearly read books txt] 📗

his mercy sake, all of you! Justice Shallow What, the sword and the word! Do you study them both, Master Parson? Page And youthful still, in your doublet and hose, this raw rheumatic day! Sir Hugh Evans There is reasons and causes for it. Page We are come to you to do a good office, Master Parson. Sir Hugh Evans Fery well; what is it? Page Looks over Sir Hugh Evans’ shoulder. Yonder is a most reverend gentleman, who, belike having received wrong by some person, is at most odds with his own gravity and patience that ever you saw. Justice Shallow I have lived fourscore years and upward; I never heard a man of his place, gravity, and learning, so wide of his own respect. Sir Hugh Evans What is he? Host, Doctor Caius, and Rugby approach. Page I think you know him: He turns. Master Doctor Caius, the renowned French physician. Sir Hugh Evans Got’s will and His passion of my heart! I had as lief you would tell me of a mess of porridge. Page Why? Sir Hugh Evans He has no more knowledge in Hibbocrates and Galen⁠—raises his voice and he is a knave besides; a cowardly knave as you would desires to be acquainted withal. Doctor Caius runs forward with rapier and dagger drawn. Page I warrant you, he’s the man should fight with him. Slender Aside. O, sweet Anne Page! Justice Shallow It appears so, by his weapons. Keep them asunder; here comes Doctor Caius. He crosses his path. Page Steps in front of Sir Hugh Evans. Nay, good Master Parson, keep in your weapon. Justice Shallow So do you, good Master Doctor. Host Disarm them, and let them question; let them keep their limbs whole and hack our English. They are disarmed. Doctor Caius I pray you, let-a me speak a word with your ear: verefore will you not meet-a me? Sir Hugh Evans Aside to Doctor Caius. Pray you use your patience; in good time. Doctor Caius By gar, you are de coward, de Jack dog, John ape. Sir Hugh Evans Aside to Doctor Caius. Pray you, let us not be laughing-stogs to other men’s humours; I desire you in friendship, and I will one way or other make you amends. Aloud. I will knog your urinals about your knave’s cogscomb for missing your meetings and appointments. Doctor Caius Diable!⁠—Jack Rugby⁠—mine Host de Jarretiere⁠—have I not stay for him to kill him? Have I not, at de place I did appoint? Sir Hugh Evans As I am a Christians soul, now, look you, this is the place appointed. I’ll be judgment by mine host of the Garter. Host Peace, I say, Gallia and Gaullia; French and Welsh, soul-curer and body-curer! Doctor Caius Ay, dat is very good; excellent! Host Peace, I say! Hear mine host of the Garter. Am I politic? am I subtle? am I a Machiavel? Shall I lose my doctor? No; he gives me the potions and the motions. Shall I lose my parson, my priest, my Sir Hugh? No; he gives me the proverbs and the no-verbs. Give me thy hand, terrestrial; so;⁠—give me thy hand, celestial; so. Joins their hands. Boys of art, I have deceived you both; I have directed you to wrong places; your hearts are mighty, your skins are whole, and let burnt sack be the issue. To Page and Justice Shallow. Come, lay their swords to pawn. Follow me, lads of peace; follow, follow, follow. Justice Shallow Trust me, a mad host!⁠—Follow, gentlemen, follow. He mounts the stile. Slender Aside. O, sweet Anne Page! Exeunt Justice Shallow, Slender, Page, and Host. Doctor Caius Ha, do I perceive dat? Have you make-a de sot of us, ha, ha? Sir Hugh Evans This is well; he has made us his vlouting-stog. I desire you that we may be friends; and let us knog our prains together to be revenge on this same scall, scurvy, cogging companion, the host of the Garter. Doctor Caius By gar, with all my heart. He promise to bring me where is Anne Page; by gar, he deceive me too. Sir Hugh Evans Well, I will smite his noddles. Pray you follow. Exeunt. Scene II

A street in Windsor.

Enter Mistress Page and Robin; he pauses. Mistress Page Nay, keep your way, little gallant: you were wont to be a follower, but now you are a leader. Whether had you rather lead mine eyes, or eye your master’s heels? Robin I had rather, forsooth, go before you like a man than follow him like a dwarf. Mistress Page O! you are a flattering boy: now I see you’ll be a courtier. Enter Ford. Ford Well met, Mistress Page. Whither go you? Mistress Page Truly, sir, to see your wife. Is she at home? Ford Ay; and as idle as she may hang together, for want of company. I think, if your husbands were dead, you two would marry. Mistress Page Be sure of that⁠—two other husbands. Ford Where had you this pretty weathercock? Mistress Page I cannot tell what the dickens his name is my husband had him of. What do you call your knight’s name, sirrah? Robin Sir John Falstaff. Ford Sir John Falstaff! Mistress Page He, he; I can never hit on’s name. There is such a league between my good man and he! Is your wife at home indeed? Ford Indeed she is. Mistress Page Curtsies. By your leave, sir: I am sick till I see her. Exeunt Mistress Page and Robin. Ford Has Page any brains? Hath he any eyes? Hath he any thinking? Sure, they sleep; he hath no use of them. Why, this boy will carry a letter twenty mile as easy as a cannon will shoot point-blank twelve score. He pieces out his wife’s inclination; he gives her folly motion and advantage; and now she’s going to my wife, and Falstaff’s boy with her. A man may hear this shower sing in the