Our American Cousin, Tom Taylor [best color ereader .TXT] 📗

his hat over his eyes. Lord Dundreary Repeats. Asa Trenchard Repeats business. Lord Dundreary Comes down, takes off hat, looking in it. There must be something alive in that hat. Goes up, and commences again. The rose is red, the violet’s blue, sugar is sweet, and so is somebody, and so is somebody else. Asa Trenchard puts yoke on Lord Dundreary’s shoulders gently. Lord Dundreary comes down with pails. Lord Dundreary I wonder what the devil that is? Lowers one, then the other, they trip him up. Oh, I see, somebody has been fishing and caught a pail. Goes hopping upstage, stumbling over against spinning wheel. Looks at yarn on stick. Why, what a little old man. Sees Asa Trenchard. Say, Mr. Exile, what the devil is this? Asa Trenchard That is a steam engine, and will bust in about a minute. Lord Dundreary Well, I haven’t a minute to spare, so I’ll not wait till it busts. Crosses to R., knocks against private box, R. H., apologizes. Asa Trenchard Say, whiskers, I want to ask a favor of you. Lord Dundreary Attempts to sneeze. Now I’ve got it. Asa Trenchard Wal, but say. Lord Dundreary’s sneezing business. Asa Trenchard Takes his hand. How are you. Squeezes it. Lord Dundreary There, you’ve spoiled it. Asa Trenchard Spoiled what? Lord Dundreary Spoiled what! why a magnificent sneeze. Asa Trenchard Oh! was that what you was trying to get through you? Lord Dundreary Get through me: he’s mad. Asa Trenchard Wal, now, the naked truth is⁠—Leans arm on Lord Dundreary’s shoulder. Business by Lord Dundreary. Oh, come now, don’t be putting on airs. Say, do you know Lieutenant Vernon? Lord Dundreary Slightly. Asa Trenchard Wal, what do you think of him, on an average? Lord Dundreary Think of a man on an average? Asa Trenchard Wal, I think he’s a real hoss, and he wants a ship. Lord Dundreary Well if he’s a real hoss, he must want a carriage. Asa Trenchard Darn me, if that ain’t good. Lord Dundreary That’s good. Asa Trenchard Yes, that is good. Lord Dundreary Very good. Asa Trenchard Very good, indeed, for you. Lord Dundreary Now I’ve got it. Tries to sneeze. Asa Trenchard Wal, now, I say. Lord Dundreary trying to sneeze. Asa Trenchard What, are you at that again? Lord Dundreary business. Asa Trenchard bites his finger. Lord Dundreary goes up, stumbles against chair and comes down again. Lord Dundreary I’ve got the influenza. Asa Trenchard Got the what? Lord Dundreary He says I’ve got a wart. I’ve got the influenza. Asa Trenchard That’s it exactly. I want your influence, sir, to get that ship. Lord Dundreary That’s good. Asa Trenchard Yes, that’s good, ain’t it. Lord Dundreary Very good. Asa Trenchard Yes, darn me, if that ain’t good. Lord Dundreary For you. Ha! ha! One on that Yankee. Asa Trenchard Well done, Britisher. Wal, now, about that ship? Lord Dundreary I want all my influence, sir, for my own w⁠—w⁠—welations. Stammering. Asa Trenchard Oh! you want it for your own w⁠—w⁠—welations. Mimicing. Lord Dundreary I say, sir. Asa Trenchard pretends deafness. This business is ad lib. Asa Trenchard Eh? Lord Dundreary He’s hard of hearing, and thinks he’s in a balloon. Mister. Asa Trenchard Eh? Lord Dundreary He thinks he can hear with his nose. I say⁠— Asa Trenchard Eh? Lord Dundreary turns Asa Trenchard’s nose around with his thumb. Asa Trenchard puts his two hands up to Lord Dundreary’s. Lord Dundreary Now he thinks he’s a musical instrument. I say⁠— Asa Trenchard What? Lord Dundreary You stutter. I’ll give you a k⁠—k⁠—k⁠— Asa Trenchard No you won’t give me a kick. Lord Dundreary I’ll give you a c⁠—c⁠—card to a doctor and he’ll c⁠—c⁠—c⁠— Asa Trenchard No he won’t kick me, either. Lord Dundreary He’s idiotic. I don’t mean that, he’ll cure you. Asa Trenchard Same one that cured you? Lord Dundreary The same. Asa Trenchard Wal, if you’re cured I want to stay sick. He must be a mighty smart man. Lord Dundreary A very clever man, he is. Asa Trenchard Wal, darn me, if there ain’t a physiological change taking place. Your whiskers at this moment⁠— Lord Dundreary My whiskers! Asa Trenchard Yes, about the ends they’re as black as a niggers in billing time, and near the roots they’re all speckled and streaked. Lord Dundreary Horror struck. My whiskers speckled and streaked? Asa Trenchard Showing bottle. Now, this is a wonderful invention. Lord Dundreary My hair dye. My dear sir. Asa Trenchard Squeezing his hand. How are you? Lord Dundreary Dear Mr. Trenchard. Puts arm on shoulder. Asa Trenchard repeats Lord Dundreary business, putting on eyeglass, hopping round the stage and stroking whiskers. Lord Dundreary He’s mad, he’s deaf, he squints, stammers and he’s a hopper. Asa Trenchard Now, look here, you get the Lieutenant a ship and I’ll give you the bottle. It’s a fine swap. Lord Dundreary What the devil is a swap? Asa Trenchard Well, you give me the ship, and I’ll give you the bottle to boot. Lord Dundreary What do I want of your boots? I haven’t got a ship about me. Asa Trenchard You’d better make haste or your whiskers will be changed again. They’ll be a pea green in about a minute. Lord Dundreary Crosses to L. Pea green! Exits hastily into house. Asa Trenchard I guess I’ve got a ring in his nose now. I wonder how that sick gal is getting along? Wal, darn me, if the dying swallow ain’t pitching into ham and eggs and homemade bread, wal, she’s a walking into the fodder like a farmer arter a day’s work rail splitting. I’ll just give her a start. How de do, Miss, allow me to congratulate you on the return of your appetite. Georgina scream. Guess I’ve got a ring in her pretty nose now. Looks off, R. Hello! here comes the lickers and shooters, it’s about time I took my medicine, I reckon. Enter, from R. 2. E, Sir Edward Trenchard, Mrs. Mountchessington, Florence Trenchard, Harry Vernon, Augusta, Capt. De Boots, John Wickens, Mr. Coyle, Sharpe, Mr. Binny,