The School for Scandal, Richard Brinsley Sheridan [i am reading a book .TXT] 📗

appear to slide out edgewise, as it were⁠—thus: How do you do, madam? Yes, madam. Mimics. Lady Sneerwell Very well, Lady Teazle; I see you can be a little severe. Lady Teazle In defence of a friend it is but justice. — But here comes Sir Peter to spoil our pleasantry. Enter Sir Peter Teazle. Sir Peter Ladies, your most obedient. —Aside. Mercy on me, here is the whole set! a character dead at every word, I suppose.8 Mrs. Candour I am rejoiced you are come, Sir Peter. They have been so censorious⁠—and Lady Teazle as bad as anyone. Sir Peter That must be very distressing to you, indeed, Mrs. Candour. Mrs. Candour Oh, they will allow good qualities to nobody; not even good nature to our friend, Mrs. Pursy. Lady Teazle What, the fat dowager who was at Mrs. Quadrille’s last night? Mrs. Candour Nay, her bulk is her misfortune; and, when she takes so much pains to get rid of it, you ought not to reflect on her. Lady Sneerwell That’s very true, indeed. Lady Teazle Yes, I know she almost lives on acids and small whey; laces herself by pulleys; and often, in the hottest noon in summer, you may see her on a little squat pony, with her hair plaited up like a drummer’s and puffing round the Ring on a full trot. Mrs. Candour I thank you, Lady Teazle, for defending her. Sir Peter Yes, a good defence, truly. Mrs. Candour Truly, Lady Teazle is as censorious as Miss Sallow. Crabtree Yes, and she is a curious being to pretend to be censorious⁠—an awkward gawky, without any one good point under heaven. Mrs. Candour Positively you shall not be so very severe. Miss Sallow is a near relation of mine by marriage, and, as for her person, great allowance is to be made; for, let me tell you, a woman labours under many disadvantages who tries to pass for a girl of six-and-thirty. Lady Sneerwell Though, surely, she is handsome still⁠—and for the weakness in her eyes, considering how much she reads by candlelight, it is not to be wondered at. Mrs. Candour True, and then as to her manner; upon my word, I think it is particularly graceful, considering she never had the least education: for you know her mother was a Welsh milliner, and her father a sugar-baker at Bristol. Sir Benjamin Ah! you are both of you too good-natured! Sir Peter Yes, damned good-natured! This their own relation! mercy on me! Aside. Mrs. Candour For my part, I own I cannot bear to hear a friend ill spoken of. Sir Peter No, to be sure! Sir Benjamin Oh! you are of a moral turn. Mrs. Candour and I can sit for an hour and hear Lady Stucco talk sentiment. Lady Teazle Nay, I vow Lady Stucco is very well with the dessert after dinner; for she’s just like the French fruit one cracks for mottoes⁠—made up of paint and proverb. Mrs. Candour Well, I will never join in ridiculing a friend; and so I constantly tell my cousin Ogle, and you all know what pretensions she has to be critical on beauty. Crabtree Oh, to be sure! she has herself the oddest countenance that ever was seen; ’tis a collection of features from all the different countries of the globe. Sir Benjamin So she has, indeed⁠—an Irish front⁠— Crabtree Caledonian locks⁠— Sir Benjamin Dutch nose⁠— Crabtree Austrian lips⁠— Sir Benjamin Complexion of a Spaniard⁠— Crabtree And teeth à la Chinoise⁠— Sir Benjamin In short, her face resembles a table d’hôte at Spa⁠—where no two guests are of a nation⁠— Crabtree Or a congress at the close of a general war⁠—wherein all the members, even to her eyes, appear to have a different interest, and her nose and chin are the only parties likely to join issue. Mrs. Candour Ha! ha! ha! Sir Peter Mercy on my life!⁠—a person they dine with twice a week! Aside. Lady Sneerwell Go, go; you are a couple of provoking toads. Mrs. Candour Nay, but I vow you shall not carry the laugh off so⁠—for give me leave to say that Mrs. Ogle⁠— Sir Peter Madam, madam, I beg your pardon⁠—there’s no stopping these good gentlemen’s tongues. But when I tell you, Mrs. Candour, that the lady they are abusing is a particular friend of mine, I hope you’ll not take her part. Lady Sneerwell Ha! ha! ha! well said, Sir Peter! but you are a cruel creature⁠—too phlegmatic yourself for a jest, and too peevish to allow wit in others. Sir Peter Ah, madam, true wit is more nearly allied to good-nature than your ladyship is aware of. Lady Teazle True, Sir Peter: I believe they are so near akin that they can never be united. Sir Benjamin Or rather, madam, suppose them man and wife, because one seldom sees them together. Lady Teazle But Sir Peter is such an enemy to scandal, I believe he would have it put down by parliament. Sir Peter ’Fore heaven, madam, if they were to consider the sporting with reputation of as much importance as poaching on manors, and pass an act for the preservation of fame, as well as game, I believe many would thank them for the bill. Lady Sneerwell O Lud! Sir Peter; would you deprive us of our privileges? Sir Peter Ay, madam, and then no person should be permitted to kill characters and run down reputations, but qualified old maids and disappointed widows. Lady Sneerwell Go, you monster! Mrs. Candour But, surely, you would not be quite so severe on those who only report what they hear? Sir Peter Yes, madam, I would have law merchant for them too;9 and in all cases of slander currency, whenever the drawer of the lie was not to be found, the injured party should have a right to come on any of the endorsers. Crabtree Well, for my part, I believe there never was a scandalous tale without some foundation. Sir Peter Oh, nine out of ten of the malicious inventions are founded on some ridiculous misrepresentation. Lady Sneerwell Come, ladies, shall we sit down to cards in the next room? Enter Servant, who whispers Sir Peter. Sir Peter I’ll be with them directly.⁠— Exit Servant. I’ll get away unperceived. Aside. Lady