Author: Kurt Vonnegut

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just the truth.

HAROLD

I like the truth. I wouldn't be alive today if I weren't one of the biggest fans truth ever had.

PENELOPE

Well--part of it is that heroes basically hate home and never stay there very long, and make awful messes while they're there.

HAROLD

Go on.

PENELOPE

(blurting)

And they have very mixed feelings about women. They hate them in a way. One reason they like war so much is that they can capture enemy women and not have to make love to them slowly and gently. They can scrog them, as you say-(pause) for revenge.

HAROLD

You learned this in some college course?

PENELOPE

I learned a lot of things in file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (94 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM]

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college. Actually--it was Norbert who told me that.

HAROLD

(darkly)

The doctor.

PENELOPE

Yes.

HAROLD

And what is his most cherished possession?

PENELOPE

(not sensing the

drift of the conversation) His most cherished possession? His violin, I guess.

HAROLD

And he keeps it in his apartment?

PENELOPE

(still at sea)

Yes.

HAROLD

And no one's there now?

PENELOPE

I don't think so.

HAROLD

That's too bad. I would rather have him at home--to see what I'm going to do.

PENELOPE

(suddenly catching on, sick with fear) What are you going to do?

HAROLD

He did his best to destroy my most file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (95 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM]

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precious possession, which is the high opinion women have of me. I'm now going to even that score. I'm going to break in his door and I'm going to smash his violin.

PENELOPE

No you're not!

HAROLD

Why not?

PENELOPE

Because if you do--I'll leave you.

HAROLD

(promptly and emotionlessly) Goodbye.

Blackout.

SCENE TWO

SPOTLIGHT comes up on VON KONIGSWALD and WANDA JUNE, dressed as before. They have become close friends.

WANDA JUNE

We have this new club up here in Heaven.

VON KONIGSWALD

Yes, we do.

WANDA JUNE

We only have two members so far, but it's growing all the time.

VON KONIGSWALD

We have enough for a shuffleboard team. In Heaven, shuffleboard is everything. Hitler plays shuffleboard.

WANDA JUNE

Albert Einstein plays shuffleboard. file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (96 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE

VON KONIGSWALD

Mozart plays shuffleboard.

WANDA JUNE

Lewis Carroll, who wrote Alice in Wonderland, plays shuffleboard.

VON KONIGSWALD

Jack the Ripper plays shuffleboard.

WANDA JUNE

Walt Disney, who gave us Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, plays shuffleboard. Jesus Christ plays shuffleboard.

VON KONIGSWALD

It was almost worth the trip--to find out that Jesus Christ in Heaven was just another guy, playing shuffleboard. I like his sense of humor, though--you know? He's got a blue-and-gold warm-up jacket he wears. You know what it says on the back? "Pontius Pilate Athletic Club." Most people don't get it. Most people think there really is a Pontius Pilate Athletic Club.

WANDA JUNE

We're going to have jackets, aren't we?

VON KONIGSWALD

You bet! "The Harold Ryan Fan Club." Pink, eh? With a yellow streak up the back.

(both laugh)

We got very good tailor shops up here. They'll make you any kind of uniform, any kind of sweatsuit you want. Judas Iscariot--he's got this black jacket with a skull and file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (97 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM]

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crossbones over the heart. He walks around all hunched over, and he never looks anybody in the eye, and written on the back of his jacket are the words, "Go take a flying-WANDA JUNE punches him in the ribs.

VON KONIGSWALD

leap at the moon."

MILDRED, HAROLD's third wife, enters. She is voluptuous, blowzy, tough--about forty-five. She has trouble with alcohol. VON KONIGSWALD is expecting her.

VON KONIGSWALD

Aha! Hello! You're Mildred, right?

MILDRED

I heard you were looking for me.

VON KONIGSWALD

You were Harold Ryan's third wife. Right?

MILDRED

Yes.

VON KONIGSWALD

You want to join the Harold Ryan Fan Club? Wear a pink jacket with a yellow streak up the back?

MILDRED

Do I have to? Who's the little girl?

WANDA JUNE

Mr. Ryan just borrowed my birthday cake. I don't really know him.

MILDRED

Thought you were another wife, maybe.

WANDA JUNE

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I'm only ten years old.

MILDRED

That's what he wanted--a ten-yearold wife. He'd come home from a war or a safari, and he'd wind up talking to the little kids.

WANDA JUNE

Won't you please join our club? Please?

MILDRED

Honey--Alcoholics Anonymous takes all the time I've got--and Harold Ryan is an individual I would rather forget. He drove me to drink. He drove his first two wives to drink.

VON KONIGSWALD

Because he was cruel?

MILDRED

(covering WANDA

JUNE's little ears) Premature ejaculation.

VON KONIGSWALD

Ach soooooooooo.

MILDRED

No grown woman is a fan of premature ejaculation. Harold would come home trumpeting and roaring. He would the kick the furniture with his boots, spit into corners and the fireplace. He would make me presents of stuffed fish and helmets with holes in them. He would tell me that he had now earned the reward that only a woman could give him, and he'd tear off my clothes. He would carry me into the bedroom, telling me to scream file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (99 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM]

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and kick my feet. That was very important to him. I did it. I tried to be a good wife. He told me to imagine a herd of stampeding water buffalo. I couldn't do that, but I pretended I did. It was all over--ten seconds after he'd said the word "buffalo." Then he'd zip up his pants, and go outside, and tell true war stories to the little kids. Any little kids.

VON KONIGSWALD

That is sad.

MILDRED

(blankly)

Is it?

(pause)

I have this theory about why men kill each other and break things.

VON KONIGSWALD

Ja?

MILDRED

Never mind. It's a dumb theory. I was going to say it was all sexual..but everything is sexual...but alcohol.

(making peace sign) Peace.