Happy Birthday, Wanda June, Kurt Vonnegut [ereader for android .txt] 📗

happening in there.

WOODLY

You can never take yourself seriously again! Look at all the creatures you've protected us from!

Did you shoot them on the elevator, as they were on their way up here to eat us alive?

HAROLD

(blankly, as though in a dream)

No.

WOODLY

The magic root you gave me--I had it analyzed. It was discovered by a Harvard botanist in 1893! He explored your famous jungle for five years, armed with nothing but kindness, a talent for languages, and a pocketknife.

HAROLD

(blankly)

I see.

WOODLY

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE

You aren't going to hurt me. You aren't going to hurt anybody any more. Any violent gesture will seem ridiculous--to yourself!

HAROLD

(quietly)

Don Quixote.

WOODLY

My violin is avenged!

HAROLD

Something seems to have happened to my self-respect.

WOODLY

And the hell with it. It was so tragically irrelevant, so preposterously misinformed.

HAROLD

The new hero is you.

WOODLY

I hate crowds, and I have no charisma-HAROLD

You're too modest.

WOODLY

But the new hero will be a man of science and of peace--like me. He'll disarm you, of course. No more guns, no more guns.

HAROLD

Was I ever of use?

WOODLY

Never. For when you began to kill for the fun of it, you became the chief source of agony of mankind. file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/K...gut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (139 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE

HAROLD picks up the rifle, considers it, offers it to WOODLY.

HAROLD

Here. Finish the job.

WOODLY

I'm utterly satisfied.

HAROLD

You're making a mistake. Obsolete old carnivores like me are most dangerous when wounded. You've wounded me.

WOODLY

More clowning! Don't you see?

HAROLD

We never quit fighting until we're dead.

WOODLY

You'd be killing a friend. Don't you know how much I like you?

HAROLD

I'm going to shoot you now.

WOODLY

No!

HAROLD

My self-respect is gone--and my soldier's honor with it. It is now very easy for me to shoot an unarmed man.

WOODLY

New dignity can be yours--as a merciful man. You can change!

HAROLD

Like the saber-toothed tiger.

WOODLY

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE

(sickened)

Oh God--you're really going to kill me.

HAROLD

It won't hurt as much as the sting of a bumblebee. Heaven is very much like Paradise, they say. You'll like it there.

WOODLY

Can I beg for mercy--on my knees?

HAROLD

If you want to be found that way.

WOODLY

What is this thing that kills me?

HAROLD

Man, as man was meant to be--a vengeful ape who murders. He will soon be extinct. It's time, it's time.

WOODLY

Don't shoot.

HAROLD

I've enjoyed being man.

He aims the rifle tentatively.

WOODLY

No.

(goes down on his knees) No.

HAROLD

Get up.

WOODLY

No.

HAROLD

Have it your way. We'd both be file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/K...gut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (141 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE

better off dead now.

HAROLD begins to squeeze the trigger, falters, lowers the rifle.

HAROLD

Can't do it.

WOODLY

Thank God.

HAROLD

Crawl home.

He turns his back on WOODLY, who stands shakily.

WOODLY

Thank you--for my life.

HAROLD

It's trash now, like mine.

WOODLY

New lives begin!

HAROLD

Somewhere in this city. Not here, not here. Tell Penelope I loved her--in my clownish way. And Paul. Tell him to be a healer, by all means.

WOODLY

What are you going to do?

HAROLD

Use the sanitary facilities, if I may.

WOODLY

Leave the rifle here.

HAROLD

I'll put it in Paul's room, where it belongs.

WOODLY

Give me your word of honor that file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/K...gut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (142 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE

that's all you're going to do.

HAROLD

For what it's worth now, Harold Ryan, the clown, gives his sacred word.

HAROLD exits into corridor. WOODLY looks after him helplessly, apprehensively. Silence.

WOODLY

Harold?

VON KONIGSWALD, MILDRED, and WANDA JUNE enter from the side stealthily. VON KONIGSWALD, pantomimes that his companions are to be quiet and to listen for something wonderful. All ghosts cup their hands to their ears.

WOODLY

Harold?

There is a shot offstage. VON KONIGSWALD is delighted. MILDRED is sickened. WANDA JUNE is dazed. WOODLY collapses in grief. HAROLD enters from the corridor, shaking his head.

HAROLD

I missed.

VON KONIGSWALD expresses disappointment. MILDRED covers her face. WANDA JUNE sucks her thumb.

HAROLD

The end.

Curtain.

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE