Chances Come, Ney Mitch [snow like ashes series TXT] 📗

by mere chance. After all, Longbourn may not be ours for much longer.”

“If this Mr. Bingley has not sought out Jane since, then it may be likely that he is indifferent to her,” Aunt Gardiner pointed out, “though it hurts to say such a thing.”

“If this were anyone else but Mr. Bingley, then I would agree with you. However, I know that Mr. Bingley loves Jane. Of that I am sure. I discovered that he was merely persuaded against choosing her. Sometimes, over-persuasion can be a powerful thing. However, that was my motive for seeking out Mr. Darcy. Yet, all the mutual respect that we have come to have for one another has been coming on gradually and without any intentional motive of mine to bring it about. I merely wished to have a friend in him.”

“And now it perhaps has come to something more?”

“If Jane and you are certain that he feels for me.”

“It does not matter if he feels for you or not. All that matters is what you feel for him. Forget this nonsense that a woman ought not to begin to feel for a man until he indicates that he feels for her. Our emotions should not spring up from the actions of others, always, but rather we have the right to feel as we feel, independent of other people’s intentions, motives, and mindset. Just speak about what you feel for him and leave all the other worries and woes behind. Do not think about the future or past, but only this moment, here and now. Whatever you feel, I shall not judge you. Therefore, confess all, and make peace with it.”

“I…”

Aunt Gardiner smiled more gently.

“Do not be afraid. There is nothing here to fear.”

“You are correct. After all, this is merely life and life only.” I breathed out and in, and I let my life wash over me, as if it were waves and waves of images that had meaning somehow. I suppose, in my mind, I was still looking for the moment, the very hour that I became set on this path that I now had to walk down. We humans often deal in patterns, seeing our lives laid out in shapes, and we wonder what those shapes indicate. After all, shapes are something that the eye can measure out and fully understand. In that moment, I was looking for the pattern, and if I saw where I began, logically, I would be able to see where it all ought to end. For if I knew where my heart began, then I ought to know where my heart was meant to end.

But all was confusion and a mess.

My past experiences were not meant to come together into one perfect formula and give me a result. After all, love is not governed by logic. Theories and poems have been written about the emotion, but no one has ever fully defined it. For, perhaps, it was without definition. Perhaps… it was something that was only meant to be felt and never fully explained why one experiences it.

Therefore, there was nothing left but for me to voice precisely how I felt.

“I cannot say that I love him,” I admitted, “because it is too soon to make such a declaration. Love requires more time, I do believe. However, I will not deny that I admire him, that I greatly esteem him, that I like him… and that I am drawn to him. Faith, I feel a deep attraction to him.”

My Aunt Gardiner smiled and sighed.

“There. Now that is a start.”

“A start to what though?” I asked. “For truly, I am at a loss as to what I feel. Is it a start to love or at least clarification?”

“It is a start to you knowing what you feel. Sometimes, we humans can be attracted to others every now and again. And we can be attracted to more than one person. It is neither often or common that we spend our entire lives and only felt attraction to one person. Therefore, sometimes, finding a man attractive can lead to you loving him, or it can fade soon after it was felt. Time will be your guide. Allow it all to play out as it will. But there is one thing that I shall tell you: do not let this change your relationship with the gentleman.”

She leaned toward me. “Mr. Darcy seeks you out because he likes your character. When at the state of being attracted to someone, it is very easy to change your personality and that is neither right nor comfortable. If he is in love with you, and I do believe that he is, he fell in love with you because of the person that you are. Do not let these revelations that we speak of alter your personality or change how you speak to him. Do not let it make you nervous, anxious, awkward or make you resent his company. Be yourself in full. And that is the best thing to always do.”

I kissed her cheek.

“Thank you, Aunt.”

“Of course.”

I jumped up, walked to the door, and then I had an idea. Turning to her, I was curious.

“Aunt, did you ever love any man before marrying my uncle?”

“Oh yes,” she answered, completely unafraid. “Well, a couple of them, it was love. With the rest of them, it was attraction. And attraction only.”

“But with my uncle?”

“It was attraction and then love.”

“So, you know what I am undergoing?”

“Indeed, and I recall being anxious. After many years of reflection, I realize that, at the time, there was no reason to be anxious. For, that was the time of life, when one is allowed to have fun. Have fun with these feelings of yours, Lizzy. Always be responsible, respectful, polite and follow decorum, but internally, just enjoy the moment. Life is meant to be enjoyed.”

I gave her an impish grin.

“Then, I give myself leave to like him, and not lose myself in the process.”

“Precisely!”

I chuckled and then I left my aunt