Clarissa Harlowe, Samuel Richardson [black authors fiction .txt] 📗

but make a merit of what cannot be avoided.

O the hideous wretch!⁠—Pardon me, Madam.⁠—I to be supposed to meet such a man as that, with such a view! and he to be armed with such an expectation!⁠—But it cannot be that he expects it, whatever others may do.⁠—It is plain he cannot, by the fears he tells you all he shall have to see me. If his hope were so audacious, he could not fear so much.

Indeed, he has this hope; and justly founded too. But his fear arises from his reverence, as I told you before.

His reverence!⁠—his unworthiness!⁠—’Tis so apparent, that even he himself sees it, as well as everybody else. Hence his offers to purchase me! Hence it is, that settlements are to make up for acknowledged want of merit!

His unworthiness, say you!⁠—Not so fast, my dear. Does not this look like setting a high value upon yourself?⁠—We all have exalted notions of your merit, Niece; but nevertheless, it would not be wrong, if you were to arrogate less to yourself; though more were to be your due than your friends attribute to you.

I am sorry, Madam, it should be thought arrogance in me, to suppose I am not worthy of a better man than Mr. Solmes, both as to person and mind: and as to fortune, I thank God I despise all that can be insisted upon in his favour from so poor a plea.

She told me, It signified nothing to talk: I knew the expectation of everyone.

Indeed I did not. It was impossible I could think of such a strange expectation, upon a compliance made only to show I would comply in all that was in my power to comply with.

I might easily, she said, have supposed, that everyone thought I was beginning to oblige them all, by the kind behaviour of my brother and sister to me in the garden, last Sunday; by my sister’s visit to me afterwards in my chamber (although both more stiffly received by me, than were either wished or expected); by my uncle Harlowe’s affectionate visit to me the same afternoon, not indeed so very gratefully received as I used to receive his favours:⁠—but this he kindly imputed to the displeasure I had conceived at my confinement, and to my intention to come off by degrees, that I might keep myself in countenance for my past opposition.

See, my dear, the low cunning of that Sunday-management, which then so much surprised me! And see the reason why Dr. Lewen was admitted to visit me, yet forbore to enter upon a subject about which I thought he came to talk to me!⁠—For it seems there was no occasion to dispute with me on the point I was to be supposed to have conceded to.⁠—See, also, how unfairly my brother and sister must have represented their pretended kindness, when (though they had an end to answer by appearing kind) their antipathy to me seems to have been so strong, that they could not help insulting me by their arm-in-arm lover-like behaviour to each other; as my sister afterwards likewise did, when she came to borrow my Kempis.

I lifted up my hands and eyes! I cannot, said I, give this treatment a name! The end so unlikely to be answered by means so low! I know whose the whole is! He that could get my uncle Harlowe to contribute his part, and to procure the acquiescence of the rest of my friends to it, must have the power to do anything with them against me.

Again my aunt told me, that talking and invective, now I had given the expectation, would signify nothing. She hoped I would not show everyone, that they had been too forward in their constructions of my desire to oblige them. She could assure me, that it would be worse for me, if now I receded, than if I had never advanced.

Advanced, Madam! How can you say advanced? Why, this is a trick upon me! A poor low trick! Pardon me, Madam, I don’t say you have a hand in it.⁠—But, my dearest Aunt, tell me, Will not my mother be present at this dreaded interview? Will she not so far favour me? Were it but to qualify⁠—

Qualify, my dear, interrupted she⁠—your mother, and your uncle Harlowe would not be present on this occasion for the world⁠—

O then, Madam, how can they look upon my consent to this interview as an advance?

My aunt was displeased at this home-push. Miss Clary, said she, there is no dealing with you. It would be happy for you, and for everybody else, were your obedience as ready as your wit. I will leave you⁠—

Not in anger, I hope, Madam, interrupted I⁠—all I meant was, to observe, that let the meeting issue as it may, and as it must issue, it cannot be a disappointment to anybody.

O Miss! you seem to be a very determined young creature. Mr. Solmes will be here at your time: and remember once more, that upon the coming afternoon depend upon the peace of your whole family, and your own happiness.

And so saying, down she hurried.

Here I will stop. In what way I shall resume, or when, is not left to me to conjecture; much less determine. I am excessively uneasy!⁠—No good news from your mother, I doubt!⁠—I will deposit thus far, for fear of the worst.

Adieu, my best, rather, my only friend!

Cl. Harlowe.

Letter 78 Miss Clarissa Harlowe, to Miss Howe

Tuesday Evening; and Continued Through the Night

Well, my dear, I am alive, and here! but how long I shall be either here, or alive, I cannot say. I have a vast deal to write; and perhaps shall have little time for it. Nevertheless, I must tell you how the saucy Betty again discomposed me, when she came up with this Solmes’s message; although, as you will remember from my last, I was in a way before that wanted no additional surprises.

Miss! Miss! Miss! cried