The Devil's Dictionary, Ambrose Bierce [the alpha prince and his bride full story free txt] 📗

of

revisers.

 

MAGIC, n. An art of converting superstition into coin. There are

other arts serving the same high purpose, but the discreet

lexicographer does not name them.

 

MAGNET, n. Something acted upon by magnetism.

 

MAGNETISM, n. Something acting upon a magnet.

The two definitions immediately foregoing are condensed from the

works of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the

subject with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of

human knowledge.

 

MAGNIFICENT, adj. Having a grandeur or splendor superior to that to

which the spectator is accustomed, as the ears of an ass, to a rabbit,

or the glory of a glowworm, to a maggot.

 

MAGNITUDE, n. Size. Magnitude being purely relative, nothing is

large and nothing small. If everything in the universe were increased

in bulk one thousand diameters nothing would be any larger than it was

before, but if one thing remain unchanged all the others would be

larger than they had been. To an understanding familiar with the

relativity of magnitude and distance the spaces and masses of the

astronomer would be no more impressive than those of the microscopist.

For anything we know to the contrary, the visible universe may be a

small part of an atom, with its component ions, floating in the life-fluid (luminiferous ether) of some animal. Possibly the wee creatures

peopling the corpuscles of our own blood are overcome with the proper

emotion when contemplating the unthinkable distance from one of these

to another.

 

MAGPIE, n. A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone

that it might be taught to talk.

 

MAIDEN, n. A young person of the unfair sex addicted to clewless

conduct and views that madden to crime. The genus has a wide

geographical distribution, being found wherever sought and deplored

wherever found. The maiden is not altogether unpleasing to the eye,

nor (without her piano and her views) insupportable to the ear, though

in respect to comeliness distinctly inferior to the rainbow, and, with

regard to the part of her that is audible, bleating out of the field

by the canary — which, also, is more portable.

 

A lovelorn maiden she sat and sang —

This quaint, sweet song sang she;

“It’s O for a youth with a football bang

And a muscle fair to see!

The Captain he

Of a team to be!

On the gridiron he shall shine,

A monarch by right divine,

And never to roast on it — me!”

 

Opoline Jones

 

MAJESTY, n. The state and title of a king. Regarded with a just

contempt by the Most Eminent Grand Masters, Grand Chancellors, Great

Incohonees and Imperial Potentates of the ancient and honorable orders

of republican America.

 

MALE, n. A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male

of the human race is commonly known (to the female) as Mere Man. The

genus has two varieties: good providers and bad providers.

 

MALEFACTOR, n. The chief factor in the progress of the human race.

 

MALTHUSIAN, adj. Pertaining to Malthus and his doctrines. Malthus

believed in artificially limiting population, but found that it could

not be done by talking. One of the most practical exponents of the

Malthusian idea was Herod of Judea, though all the famous soldiers

have been of the same way of thinking.

 

MAMMALIA, n.pl. A family of vertebrate animals whose females in a

state of nature suckle their young, but when civilized and enlightened

put them out to nurse, or use the bottle.

 

MAMMON, n. The god of the world’s leading religion. The chief temple

is in the holy city of New York.

 

He swore that all other religions were gammon,

And wore out his knees in the worship of Mammon.

 

Jared Oopf

 

MAN, n. An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he

thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His

chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own

species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to

infest the whole habitable earth and Canada.

 

When the world was young and Man was new,

And everything was pleasant,

Distinctions Nature never drew

‘Mongst kings and priest and peasant.

We’re not that way at present,

Save here in this Republic, where

We have that old regime,

For all are kings, however bare

Their backs, howe’er extreme

Their hunger. And, indeed, each has a voice

To accept the tyrant of his party’s choice.

 

A citizen who would not vote,

And, therefore, was detested,

Was one day with a tarry coat

(With feathers backed and breasted)

By patriots invested.

“It is your duty,” cried the crowd,

“Your ballot true to cast

For the man o’ your choice.” He humbly bowed,

And explained his wicked past:

“That’s what I very gladly would have done,

Dear patriots, but he has never run.”

 

Apperton Duke

 

MANES, n. The immortal parts of dead Greeks and Romans. They were in

a state of dull discomfort until the bodies from which they had

exhaled were buried and burned; and they seem not to have been

particularly happy afterward.

 

MANICHEISM, n. The ancient Persian doctrine of an incessant warfare

between Good and Evil. When Good gave up the fight the Persians

joined the victorious Opposition.

 

MANNA, n. A food miraculously given to the Israelites in the

wilderness. When it was no longer supplied to them they settled

down and tilled the soil, fertilizing it, as a rule, with the bodies

of the original occupants.

 

MARRIAGE, n. The state or condition of a community consisting of a

master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two.

 

MARTYR, n. One who moves along the line of least reluctance to a

desired death.

 

MATERIAL, adj. Having an actual existence, as distinguished from an

imaginary one. Important.

 

Material things I know, or fell, or see;

All else is immaterial to me.

 

Jamrach Holobom

 

MAUSOLEUM, n. The final and funniest folly of the rich.

 

MAYONNAISE, n. One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a

state religion.

 

ME, pro. The objectionable case of I. The personal pronoun in

English has three cases, the dominative, the objectionable and the

oppressive. Each is all three.

 

MEANDER, n. To proceed sinuously and aimlessly. The word is the

ancient name of a river about one hundred and fifty miles south of

Troy, which turned and twisted in the effort to get out of hearing

when the Greeks and Trojans boasted of their prowess.

 

MEDAL, n. A small metal disk given as a reward for virtues,

attainments or services more or less authentic.

It is related of Bismark, who had been awarded a medal for

gallantly rescuing a drowning person, that, being asked the meaning of

the medal, he replied: “I save lives sometimes.” And sometimes he

didn’t.

 

MEDICINE, n. A stone flung down the Bowery to kill a dog in Broadway.

 

MEEKNESS, n. Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth

while.

 

M is for Moses,

Who slew the Egyptian.

As sweet as a rose is

The meekness of Moses.

No monument shows his

Post-mortem inscription,

But M is for Moses

Who slew the Egyptian.

 

The Biographical Alphabet

 

MEERSCHAUM, n. (Literally, seafoam, and by many erroneously supposed

to be made of it.) A fine white clay, which for convenience in

coloring it brown is made into tobacco pipes and smoked by the workmen

engaged in that industry. The purpose of coloring it has not been

disclosed by the manufacturers.

 

There was a youth (you’ve heard before,

This woeful tale, may be),

Who bought a meerschaum pipe and swore

That color it would he!

 

He shut himself from the world away,

Nor any soul he saw.

He smoke by night, he smoked by day,

As hard as he could draw.

 

His dog died moaning in the wrath

Of winds that blew aloof;

The weeds were in the gravel path,

The owl was on the roof.

 

“He’s gone afar, he’ll come no more,”

The neighbors sadly say.

And so they batter in the door

To take his goods away.

 

Dead, pipe in mouth, the youngster lay,

Nut-brown in face and limb.

“That pipe’s a lovely white,” they say,

“But it has colored him!”

 

The moral there’s small need to sing —

‘Tis plain as day to you:

Don’t play your game on any thing

That is a gamester too.

 

Martin Bulstrode

 

MENDACIOUS, adj. Addicted to rhetoric.

 

MERCHANT, n. One engaged in a commercial pursuit. A commercial

pursuit is one in which the thing pursued is a dollar.

 

MERCY, n. An attribute beloved of detected offenders.

 

MESMERISM, n. Hypnotism before it wore good clothes, kept a carriage

and asked Incredulity to dinner.

 

METROPOLIS, n. A stronghold of provincialism.

 

MILLENNIUM, n. The period of a thousand years when the lid is to be

screwed down, with all reformers on the under side.

 

MIND, n. A mysterious form of matter secreted by the brain. Its

chief activity consists in the endeavor to ascertain its own nature,

the futility of the attempt being due to the fact that it has nothing

but itself to know itself with. From the Latin mens, a fact unknown

to that honest shoe-seller, who, observing that his learned competitor

over the way had displayed the motto “Mens conscia recti,”

emblazoned his own front with the words “Men’s, women’s and children’s

conscia recti.”

 

MINE, adj. Belonging to me if I can hold or seize it.

 

MINISTER, n. An agent of a higher power with a lower responsibility.

In diplomacy and officer sent into a foreign country as the visible

embodiment of his sovereign’s hostility. His principal qualification

is a degree of plausible inveracity next below that of an ambassador.

 

MINOR, adj. Less objectionable.

 

MINSTREL, adj. Formerly a poet, singer or musician; now a nigger with

a color less than skin deep and a humor more than flesh and blood can

bear.

 

MIRACLE, n. An act or event out of the order of nature and

unaccountable, as beating a normal hand of four kings and an ace with

four aces and a king.

 

MISCREANT, n. A person of the highest degree of unworth.

Etymologically, the word means unbeliever, and its present

signification may be regarded as theology’s noblest contribution to

the development of our language.

 

MISDEMEANOR, n. An infraction of the law having less dignity than a

felony and constituting no claim to admittance into the best criminal

society.

 

By misdemeanors he essays to climb

Into the aristocracy of crime.

O, woe was him! — with manner chill and grand

“Captains of industry” refused his hand,

“Kings of finance” denied him recognition

And “railway magnates” jeered his low condition.

He robbed a bank to make himself respected.

They still rebuffed him, for he was detected.

 

S.V. Hanipur

 

MISERICORDE, n. A dagger which in mediaeval warfare was used by the

foot soldier to remind an unhorsed knight that he was mortal.

 

MISFORTUNE, n. The kind of fortune that never misses.

 

MISS, n. The title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate

that they are in the market. Miss, Missis (Mrs.) and Mister (Mr.) are

the three most distinctly disagreeable words in the language, in sound

and sense. Two are corruptions of Mistress, the other of Master. In

the general abolition of social titles in this our country they

miraculously escaped to plague us. If we must have them let us be

consistent and give one to the unmarried man. I venture to suggest

Mush, abbreviated to Mh.

 

MOLECULE, n. The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is

distinguished from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit

of matter, by a closer resemblance to the atom, also the