The Devil's Dictionary, Ambrose Bierce [the alpha prince and his bride full story free txt] 📗

surfaces from the weather and

exposing them to the critic.

Formerly, painting and sculpture were combined in the same work:

the ancients painted their statues. The only present alliance between

the two arts is that the modern painter chisels his patrons.

 

PALACE, n. A fine and costly residence, particularly that of a great

official. The residence of a high dignitary of the Christian Church

is called a palace; that of the Founder of his religion was known as a

field, or wayside. There is progress.

 

PALM, n. A species of tree having several varieties, of which the

familiar “itching palm” (_Palma hominis_) is most widely distributed

and sedulously cultivated. This noble vegetable exudes a kind of

invisible gum, which may be detected by applying to the bark a piece

of gold or silver. The metal will adhere with remarkable tenacity.

The fruit of the itching palm is so bitter and unsatisfying that a

considerable percentage of it is sometimes given away in what are known

as “benefactions.”

 

PALMISTRY, n. The 947th method (according to Mimbleshaw’s

classification) of obtaining money by false pretences. It consists in

“reading character” in the wrinkles made by closing the hand. The

pretence is not altogether false; character can really be read very

accurately in this way, for the wrinkles in every hand submitted

plainly spell the word “dupe.” The imposture consists in not reading

it aloud.

 

PANDEMONIUM, n. Literally, the Place of All the Demons. Most of them

have escaped into politics and finance, and the place is now used as a

lecture hall by the Audible Reformer. When disturbed by his voice the

ancient echoes clamor appropriate responses most gratifying to his

pride of distinction.

 

PANTALOONS, n. A nether habiliment of the adult civilized male. The

garment is tubular and unprovided with hinges at the points of

flexion. Supposed to have been invented by a humorist. Called

“trousers” by the enlightened and “pants” by the unworthy.

 

PANTHEISM, n. The doctrine that everything is God, in

contradistinction to the doctrine that God is everything.

 

PANTOMIME, n. A play in which the story is told without violence to

the language. The least disagreeable form of dramatic action.

 

PARDON, v. To remit a penalty and restore to the life of crime. To

add to the lure of crime the temptation of ingratitude.

 

PASSPORT, n. A document treacherously inflicted upon a citizen going

abroad, exposing him as an alien and pointing him out for special

reprobation and outrage.

 

PAST, n. That part of Eternity with some small fraction of which we

have a slight and regrettable acquaintance. A moving line called the

Present parts it from an imaginary period known as the Future. These

two grand divisions of Eternity, of which the one is continually

effacing the other, are entirely unlike. The one is dark with sorrow

and disappointment, the other bright with prosperity and joy. The

Past is the region of sobs, the Future is the realm of song. In the

one crouches Memory, clad in sackcloth and ashes, mumbling penitential

prayer; in the sunshine of the other Hope flies with a free wing,

beckoning to temples of success and bowers of ease. Yet the Past is

the Future of yesterday, the Future is the Past of to-morrow. They

are one — the knowledge and the dream.

 

PASTIME, n. A device for promoting dejection. Gentle exercise for

intellectual debility.

 

PATIENCE, n. A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.

 

PATRIOT, n. One to whom the interests of a part seem superior to

those of the whole. The dupe of statesmen and the tool of conquerors.

 

PATRIOTISM, n. Combustible rubbish read to the torch of any one

ambitious to illuminate his name.

In Dr. Johnson’s famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the

last resort of a scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened

but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.

 

PEACE, n. In international affairs, a period of cheating between two

periods of fighting.

 

O, what’s the loud uproar assailing

Mine ears without cease?

‘Tis the voice of the hopeful, all-hailing

The horrors of peace.

 

Ah, Peace Universal; they woo it —

Would marry it, too.

If only they knew how to do it

‘Twere easy to do.

 

They’re working by night and by day

On their problem, like moles.

Have mercy, O Heaven, I pray,

On their meddlesome souls!

 

Ro Amil

 

PEDESTRIAN, n. The variable (an audible) part of the roadway for an

automobile.

 

PEDIGREE, n. The known part of the route from an arboreal ancestor

with a swim bladder to an urban descendant with a cigarette.

 

PENITENT, adj. Undergoing or awaiting punishment.

 

PERFECTION, n. An imaginary state of quality distinguished from the

actual by an element known as excellence; an attribute of the critic.

The editor of an English magazine having received a letter

pointing out the erroneous nature of his views and style, and signed

“Perfection,” promptly wrote at the foot of the letter: “I don’t

agree with you,” and mailed it to Matthew Arnold.

 

PERIPATETIC, adj. Walking about. Relating to the philosophy of

Aristotle, who, while expounding it, moved from place to place in

order to avoid his pupil’s objections. A needless precaution — they

knew no more of the matter than he.

 

PERORATION, n. The explosion of an oratorical rocket. It dazzles,

but to an observer having the wrong kind of nose its most conspicuous

peculiarity is the smell of the several kinds of powder used in

preparing it.

 

PERSEVERANCE, n. A lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an

inglorious success.

 

“Persevere, persevere!” cry the homilists all,

Themselves, day and night, persevering to bawl.

“Remember the fable of tortoise and hare —

The one at the goal while the other is — where?”

Why, back there in Dreamland, renewing his lease

Of life, all his muscles preserving the peace,

The goal and the rival forgotten alike,

And the long fatigue of the needless hike.

His spirit a-squat in the grass and the dew

Of the dogless Land beyond the Stew,

He sleeps, like a saint in a holy place,

A winner of all that is good in a race.

 

Sukker Uffro

 

PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the

observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his

scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile.

 

PHILANTHROPIST, n. A rich (and usually bald) old gentleman who has

trained himself to grin while his conscience is picking his pocket.

 

PHILISTINE, n. One whose mind is the creature of its environment,

following the fashion in thought, feeling and sentiment. He is

sometimes learned, frequently prosperous, commonly clean and always

solemn.

 

PHILOSOPHY, n. A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.

 

PHOENIX, n. The classical prototype of the modern “small hot bird.”

 

PHONOGRAPH, n. An irritating toy that restores life to dead noises.

 

PHOTOGRAPH, n. A picture painted by the sun without instruction in

art. It is a little better than the work of an Apache, but not quite

so good as that of a Cheyenne.

 

PHRENOLOGY, n. The science of picking the pocket through the scalp.

It consists in locating and exploiting the organ that one is a dupe

with.

 

PHYSICIAN, n. One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs

when well.

 

PHYSIOGNOMY, n. The art of determining the character of another by

the resemblances and differences between his face and our own, which

is the standard of excellence.

 

“There is no art,” says Shakespeare, foolish man,

“To read the mind’s construction in the face.”

The physiognomists his portrait scan,

And say: “How little wisdom here we trace!

He knew his face disclosed his mind and heart,

So, in his own defence, denied our art.”

 

Lavatar Shunk

 

PIANO, n. A parlor utensil for subduing the impenitent visitor. It

is operated by pressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the

audience.

 

PICKANINNY, n. The young of the Procyanthropos, or _Americanus

dominans_. It is small, black and charged with political fatalities.

 

PICTURE, n. A representation in two dimensions of something wearisome

in three.

 

“Behold great Daubert’s picture here on view —

Taken from Life.” If that description’s true,

Grant, heavenly Powers, that I be taken, too.

 

Jali Hane

 

PIE, n. An advance agent of the reaper whose name is Indigestion.

 

Cold pie was highly esteemed by the remains.

 

Rev. Dr. Mucker

 

(in a funeral sermon over a British nobleman)

 

Cold pie is a detestable

American comestible.

That’s why I’m done — or undone —

So far from that dear London.

 

(from the headstone of a British nobleman in Kalamazoo)

 

PIETY, n. Reverence for the Supreme Being, based upon His supposed

resemblance to man.

 

The pig is taught by sermons and epistles

To think the God of Swine has snout and bristles.

 

Judibras

 

PIG, n. An animal (_Porcus omnivorus_) closely allied to the human

race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is

inferior in scope, for it sticks at pig.

 

PIGMY, n. One of a tribe of very small men found by ancient travelers

in many parts of the world, but by modern in Central Africa only. The

Pigmies are so called to distinguish them from the bulkier Caucasians

— who are Hogmies.

 

PILGRIM, n. A traveler that is taken seriously. A Pilgrim Father was

one who, leaving Europe in 1620 because not permitted to sing psalms

through his nose, followed it to Massachusetts, where he could

personate God according to the dictates of his conscience.

 

PILLORY, n. A mechanical device for inflicting personal distinction

— prototype of the modern newspaper conducted by persons of austere

virtues and blameless lives.

 

PIRACY, n. Commerce without its folly-swaddles, just as God made it.

 

PITIFUL, adj. The state of an enemy of opponent after an imaginary

encounter with oneself.

 

PITY, n. A failing sense of exemption, inspired by contrast.

 

PLAGIARISM, n. A literary coincidence compounded of a discreditable

priority and an honorable subsequence.

 

PLAGIARIZE, v. To take the thought or style of another writer whom

one has never, never read.

 

PLAGUE, n. In ancient times a general punishment of the innocent for

admonition of their ruler, as in the familiar instance of Pharaoh the

Immune. The plague as we of to-day have the happiness to know it is

merely Nature’s fortuitous manifestation of her purposeless

objectionableness.

 

PLAN, v.t. To bother about the best method of accomplishing an

accidental result.

 

PLATITUDE, n. The fundamental element and special glory of popular

literature. A thought that snores in words that smoke. The wisdom of

a million fools in the diction of a dullard. A fossil sentiment in

artificial rock. A moral without the fable. All that is mortal of a

departed truth. A demi-tasse of milk-and-mortality. The Pope’s-nose

of a featherless peacock. A jelly-fish withering on the shore of the

sea of thought. The cackle surviving the egg. A desiccated epigram.

 

PLATONIC, adj. Pertaining to the philosophy of Socrates. Platonic

Love is a fool’s name for the affection between a disability and a

frost.

 

PLAUDITS, n. Coins with which the populace pays those who tickle and

devour it.

 

PLEASE, v. To lay the foundation for a superstructure of imposition.

 

PLEASURE, n. The least hateful form of dejection.

 

PLEBEIAN, n. An ancient Roman who in the blood of his country stained

nothing but his hands. Distinguished from the Patrician, who was a

saturated solution.

 

PLEBISCITE, n. A popular vote to ascertain the will of the sovereign.

 

PLENIPOTENTIARY, adj. Having full power. A Minister Plenipotentiary

is a diplomatist possessing absolute authority on condition that he

never exert it.

 

PLEONASM, n. An