Manners and Social Usages, Mrs John M. E. W. Sherwood [always you kirsty moseley .txt] 📗

>XII Autumn Weddings … 117

XIII. Before the Wedding and After … 125

XIV. Gold, Silver, and Tin Weddings … 133

XV. The Etiquette of Balls … 142

XVI. Fashionable Dancing … 150

XVII. Letters and Letter Writing … 159

XVIII. Costly thy Habit … 167

XlX. Dressing for Driving … 174

XX. Incongruities of Dress … 181

XXI. Etiquette of Mourning … 188

XXII. Mourning and Funeral Usages … 200

XXIII. Letters of Condolence … 207

XXIV. Chaperons and Their Duties … 214

XXV. Etiquette for Elderly Girls … 223

XXVI. New Year’s Calls … 230

XXVII. Matin�es And Soir�es … 239

XXVIII. Afternoon Tea … 247

XXIX. Caudle And Christening Cups and Ceremonies … 255

XXX. Modern Dinner Table … 261

XXXI. Laying the Dinner-table … 269

XXXII. Favors and Bonbonni�res … 277

XXXIII. Dinner Table Novelites … 285

XXXIV. Summer Dinners … 292

XXXV. Luncheons, Informal and Social … 300

XXXVI. Supper Parties … 307

XXXVII. Simple Dinners … 314

XXXVIII. The Small Talk of Society … 320

XXXIX. Garden Parties … 328

XL. Silver Weddings and Other Wedding Anniversaries … 335

XLI. Spring And Summer Entertainments … 343

XLII. Floral Tributes and Decorations … 353

XLIII. The Fork and the Spoon … 359

XLIV. Napkins and Tablecloths … 364

XLV. Servants, their Dress and Duties … 371

XLVI. House with One Servant … 380

XLVII. House with Two Servants … 886

XLVIII. House with Many Servants … 394

XLIX. Manners: A Study For The Awkward and the Shy … 401

L. How To Treat A Guest … 408

LI. Lady And Gentleman … 415

LIL The Manners of the Past … 424

LIII. The Manners of the Optimist … 484

LIV. The Manners of the Sympathetic … 441

LV. Certain Questions Answered … 450

LVI. English Table Manners and Social Usages. … 457

LVII. American And English Etiquette Contrasted … 465

LVIII. How To Treat English People … 473

LIX. A Foreign Table D’H�te, and Casino Life Abroad … 480

 

MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.

 

CHAPTER I.

WOMEN AS LEADERS.

 

Nothing strikes the foreigner so much (since the days of De

Tocqueville, the first to mention it) as the prominent position of

woman in the best society of America. She has almost no position

in the political world. She is not a leader, an intrigante in

politics, as she is in France. We have no Madame de Stael, no

Princess Belgioso, here to make and unmake our Presidents; but

women do all the social work, which in Europe is done not only by

women, but by young bachelors and old ones, statesmen, princes,

ambassadors, and attaches. Officials are connected with every

court whose business it is to visit, write and answer invitations,

leave cards, call, and perform all the multifarious duties of the

social world.

 

In America, the lady of the house does all this. Her men are all

in business or in pleasure, her sons are at work or off yachting.

They cannot spend time to make their dinner calls—“Mamma, please

leave my cards” is the legend written on their banners.

 

Thus to women, as the conductors of social politics, is committed

the card—that pasteboard protocol, whose laws are well defined

in every land but our own.

 

Now, in ten different books on etiquette which we have consulted

we find ten different opinions upon the subject of first calls, as

between two women. We cannot, therefore, presume to decide where

so many doctors disagree, but give the commonly received opinions

as expressed by the customs of New York society.

 

When should a lady call first upon a new and a desirable

acquaintance? Not hastily. She should have met the new and

desirable acquaintance, should have been properly introduced,

should feel sure that her acquaintance is desired. The oldest

resident, the one most prominent in fashion, should call first;

but, if there is no such distinction, two women need not forever

stand at bay each waiting for the other to call. A very admirable

and polite expedient has been: substituted for a first call in the

sending out of cards, for several days in the month, by a lady who

wishes to begin her social life, we will say, in a new city. These

may or may not be accompanied by the card of some well-known

friend. If these cards bring the desired visits or the cards of

the desired guests, the beginner may feel that she has started on

her society career with no loss of self respect. Those who do not

respond are generally in a minority. Too much haste in making new

acquaintances, however—“pushing,” as it is called-cannot be too

much deprecated.

 

First calls should be returned within a week. If a lady is invited

to any entertainment by a new acquaintance, whether the invitation

come through a friend or not, she should immediately leave cards,

and send either a regret or an acceptance. To lose time in this

matter is a great rudeness. Whether she attend the entertainment

or not, she should call after it within a week. Then, having done

all that is polite, and having shown herself a woman of

good-breeding, she can keep up the acquaintance or not as she

pleases. Sometimes there are reasons why a lady does not wish to

keep up the acquaintance, but she must not, for her own sake, be

oblivious to the politeness extended. Some very rude people in New

York have sent back invitations, or failed to recognize the first

attempt at civility, saying, “We don’t know the people.” This is

not the way to discourage unpleasant familiarity. In New York,

Boston, and Philadelphia, and in the large cities of the West, and

generally in the country: towns, residents call first upon

newcomers; but in Washington this custom is reversed, and the

newcomer calls first upon the resident. Every one—officials of

the highest down to the lowest grade returns these cards. The

visitor generally finds himself invited to the receptions of the

President and his Cabinet, etc. This arrangement is so convenient

that it is a thousand pities it does not go into operation all

over the country, particularly in those large cities where the

resident cannot know if her dearest friend be in town unless

informed in some such way of the fact.

 

This does not, as might be supposed, expose society to the

intrusion of unwelcome visitors. Tact, which is the only guide

through the mazes of society, will enable a woman to avoid

anything like an unwelcome intimacy or a doubtful acquaintance,

even if such a person should “call first.”

 

Now the question comes up, and here doctors disagree: When may a

lady call by proxy, or when may she send her card, or when must

she call in person?

 

After a dinner-party a guest must call in person and inquire if

the hostess is at home. For other entertainments it is allowed, in

New York, that the lady call by proxy, or that she simply send her

card. In sending to inquire for a person’s health, cards may be

sent by a servant, with a kindly message.

 

No first visit should, however, be returned by card only; this

would be considered a slight, unless followed by an invitation.

The size of New York, the great distances, the busy life of a

woman of charities, large family, and immense circle of

acquaintances may render a personal visit almost impossible. She

may be considered to have done her duty if she in her turn asks

her new acquaintance to call on her on a specified day, if she is

not herself able to call.

 

Bachelors should leave cards (if they ever leave any) on the

master and mistress of the house, and, in America, upon the young

ladies. A gentleman does not turn down the corners of his

card—indeed, that fashion has become almost obsolete, except,

perhaps, where a lady wishes it distinctly understood that she has

called in person. The plainer the card the better. A small, thin

card for a gentleman, not glazed, with his name in small script

and his address well engraved in the corner, is in good taste. A

lady’s card should be larger, but not glazed or ornamented in any

way. It is a rule with sticklers for good-breeding that after any

entertainment a gentleman should leave his card in person,

although, as we have said, he often commits it to some feminine

agency.

 

No gentleman should call on a lady unless she asks him to do so,

or unless he brings a letter of introduction, or unless he is

taken by a lady who is sufficiently intimate to invite him to

call. A lady should say to a gentleman, if she wishes him to call,

“I hope that we shall see you,” or, “I am at home on Monday,” or

something of that sort. If he receives an invitation to dinner or

to a ball from a stranger, he is bound to send an immediate

answer, call the very next day, leave his card, and then to call

after the entertainment.

 

This, at least, is foreign etiquette, and we cannot do better than

import it. This rule holds good for the entertainments of

bachelors, who should leave their cards on each other after an

entertainment, unless the intimacy is so great that no card-leaving is expected.

 

When a lady returns to town, after an absence in Europe or in the

country, it is strict etiquette that she should leave cards on all

her acquaintances and friends if she expects to entertain or to

lead a gay, social winter; but as distances in our great cities

are formidable, as all ladies do not keep a carriage, as most

ladies have a great deal else to do besides making visits, this

long and troublesome process is sometimes simplified by giving a

tea or a series of teas, which enables the lady, by staying at

home on one evening of a week, or two or three afternoons of a

month, to send out her cards to that effect, and to thus show her

friends that she at least remembers them. As society and

card-leaving thus become rapidly complicated, a lady should have a

visiting-book, into which her list is carefully copied, with

spaces for days and future engagements.

 

A servant must be taught to receive the cards at the door,

remember messages, and recollect for whom they are left, as it is

not proper in calling upon Mrs. Brown at a private house to write

her name on your card. At a crowded hotel this may be allowed, but

it is not etiquette in visiting at private houses. In returning

visits, observe the exact etiquette of the person who has left the

first card. A call must not be returned with a card only, or a

card by a call. If a person send you a card by post, return a card

by post; if a personal visit is made, return it by a personal

visit; if your acquaintance leave cards only, without inquiring if

you are at home, return the same courtesy. If she has left the

cards of the gentlemen of her family, return those of the

gentlemen of your family.

 

A young lady’s card should almost always be accompanied by that of

her mother or her chaperon. It is well, on her entrance into

society, that the name of the young lady be engraved on her

mother’s card. After she has been out a year, she may leave her

own card only. Here American etiquette begins to differ from

English etiquette. In London, on the other hand, no young lady

leaves her card: if she is motherless, her name is engraved

beneath the name of her father, and the card of her chaperon is

left with both until she becomes a maiden lady