Major Barbara, George Bernard Shaw [bookstand for reading txt] 📗

and researches in improved methods of destroying life and property. I have always done so; and I always shall. Therefore your Christmas card moralities of peace on earth and goodwill among men are of no use to me. Your Christianity, which enjoins you to resist not evil, and to turn the other cheek, would make me a bankrupt. My morality⁠—my religion⁠—must have a place for cannons and torpedoes in it. Stephen Coldly⁠—almost sullenly. You speak as if there were half a dozen moralities and religions to choose from, instead of one true morality and one true religion. Undershaft For me there is only one true morality; but it might not fit you, as you do not manufacture aerial battleships. There is only one true morality for every man; but every man has not the same true morality. Lomax Overtaxed. Would you mind saying that again? I didn’t quite follow it. Cusins It’s quite simple. As Euripides says, one man’s meat is another man’s poison morally as well as physically. Undershaft Precisely. Lomax Oh, that. Yes, yes, yes. True. True. Stephen In other words, some men are honest and some are scoundrels. Barbara Bosh. There are no scoundrels. Undershaft Indeed? Are there any good men? Barbara No. Not one. There are neither good men nor scoundrels: there are just children of one Father; and the sooner they stop calling one another names the better. You needn’t talk to me: I know them. I’ve had scores of them through my hands: scoundrels, criminals, infidels, philanthropists, missionaries, county councillors, all sorts. They’re all just the same sort of sinner; and there’s the same salvation ready for them all. Undershaft May I ask have you ever saved a maker of cannons? Barbara No. Will you let me try? Undershaft Well, I will make a bargain with you. If I go to see you tomorrow in your Salvation Shelter, will you come the day after to see me in my cannon works? Barbara Take care. It may end in your giving up the cannons for the sake of the Salvation Army. Undershaft Are you sure it will not end in your giving up the Salvation Army for the sake of the cannons? Barbara I will take my chance of that. Undershaft And I will take my chance of the other. They shake hands on it. Where is your shelter? Barbara In West Ham. At the sign of the cross. Ask anybody in Canning Town. Where are your works? Undershaft In Perivale St. Andrews. At the sign of the sword. Ask anybody in Europe. Lomax Hadn’t I better play something? Barbara Yes. Give us “Onward, Christian Soldiers.” Lomax Well, that’s rather a strong order to begin with, don’t you know. Suppose I sing “Thou’rt passing hence, my brother.” It’s much the same tune. Barbara It’s too melancholy. You get saved, Cholly; and you’ll pass hence, my brother, without making such a fuss about it. Lady Britomart Really, Barbara, you go on as if religion were a pleasant subject. Do have some sense of propriety. Undershaft I do not find it an unpleasant subject, my dear. It is the only one that capable people really care for. Lady Britomart Looking at her watch. Well, if you are determined to have it, I insist on having it in a proper and respectable way. Charles: ring for prayers. General amazement. Stephen rises in dismay. Lomax Rising. Oh I say! Undershaft Rising. I am afraid I must be going. Lady Britomart You cannot go now, Andrew: it would be most improper. Sit down. What will the servants think? Undershaft My dear: I have conscientious scruples. May I suggest a compromise? If Barbara will conduct a little service in the drawing-room, with Mr. Lomax as organist, I will attend it willingly. I will even take part, if a trombone can be procured. Lady Britomart Don’t mock, Andrew. Undershaft Shocked⁠—to Barbara. You don’t think I am mocking, my love, I hope. Barbara No, of course not; and it wouldn’t matter if you were: half the Army came to their first meeting for a lark. Rising. Come along. Come, Dolly. Come, Cholly. She goes out with Undershaft, who opens the door for her. Cusins rises. Lady Britomart I will not be disobeyed by everybody. Adolphus: sit down. Charles: you may go. You are not fit for prayers: you cannot keep your countenance. Lomax Oh I say! He goes out. Lady Britomart Continuing. But you, Adolphus, can behave yourself if you choose to. I insist on your staying. Cusins My dear Lady Brit: there are things in the family prayer book that I couldn’t bear to hear you say. Lady Britomart What things, pray? Cusins Well, you would have to say before all the servants that we have done things we ought not to have done, and left undone things we ought to have done, and that there is no health in us. I cannot bear to hear you doing yourself such an unjustice, and Barbara such an injustice. As for myself, I flatly deny it: I have done my best. I shouldn’t dare to marry Barbara⁠—I couldn’t look you in the face⁠—if it were true. So I must go to the drawing-room. Lady Britomart Offended. Well, go. He starts for the door. And remember this, Adolphus: He turns to listen. I have a very strong suspicion that you went to the Salvation Army to worship Barbara and nothing else. And I quite appreciate the very clever way in which you systematically humbug me. I have found you out. Take care Barbara doesn’t. That’s all. Cusins With unruffled sweetness. Don’t tell on me. He goes out. Lady Britomart Sarah: if you want to go, go. Anything’s better than to sit there as if you wished you were a thousand miles away. Sarah Languidly. Very well, mamma. She goes. Lady Britomart, with a sudden flounce, gives way to a little gust of tears. Stephen Going to her. Mother: what’s the matter? Lady Britomart Swishing away her tears with her handkerchief. Nothing. Foolishness. You can go with him, too, if you like, and leave me with the