Arms and the Man, George Bernard Shaw [comprehension books txt] 📗

I ran away from home twice when I was a boy. I went into the army instead of into my father’s business. I climbed the balcony of this house when a man of sense would have dived into the nearest cellar. I came sneaking back here to have another look at the young lady when any other man of my age would have sent the coat back⁠— Petkoff My coat! Bluntschli Yes: that’s the coat I mean⁠—would have sent it back and gone quietly home. Do you suppose I am the sort of fellow a young girl falls in love with? Why, look at our ages! I’m thirty-four: I don’t suppose the young lady is much over seventeen. This estimate produces a marked sensation, all the rest turning and staring at one another. He proceeds innocently. All that adventure which was life or death to me, was only a schoolgirl’s game to her⁠—chocolate creams and hide and seek. Here’s the proof! He takes the photograph from the table. Now, I ask you, would a woman who took the affair seriously have sent me this and written on it: “Raina, to her chocolate cream soldier⁠—a souvenir”? He exhibits the photograph triumphantly, as if it settled the matter beyond all possibility of refutation. Petkoff That’s what I was looking for. How the deuce did it get there? Bluntschli To Raina complacently. I have put everything right, I hope, gracious young lady! Raina In uncontrollable vexation. I quite agree with your account of yourself. You are a romantic idiot. Bluntschli is unspeakably taken aback. Next time I hope you will know the difference between a schoolgirl of seventeen and a woman of twenty-three. Bluntschli Stupefied. Twenty-three! She snaps the photograph contemptuously from his hand; tears it across; and throws the pieces at his feet. Sergius With grim enjoyment of Bluntschli’s discomfiture. Bluntschli: my one last belief is gone. Your sagacity is a fraud, like all the other things. You have less sense than even I have. Bluntschli Overwhelmed. Twenty-three! Twenty-three!! He considers. Hm! Swiftly making up his mind. In that case, Major Petkoff, I beg to propose formally to become a suitor for your daughter’s hand, in place of Major Saranoff retired. Raina You dare! Bluntschli If you were twenty-three when you said those things to me this afternoon, I shall take them seriously. Catherine Loftily polite. I doubt, sir, whether you quite realize either my daughter’s position or that of Major Sergius Saranoff, whose place you propose to take. The Petkoffs and the Saranoffs are known as the richest and most important families in the country. Our position is almost historical: we can go back for nearly twenty years. Petkoff Oh, never mind that, Catherine. To Bluntschli. We should be most happy, Bluntschli, if it were only a question of your position; but hang it, you know, Raina is accustomed to a very comfortable establishment. Sergius keeps twenty horses. Bluntschli But what on earth is the use of twenty horses? Why, it’s a circus. Catherine Severely. My daughter, sir, is accustomed to a first-rate stable. Raina Hush, Mother, you’re making me ridiculous. Bluntschli Oh, well, if it comes to a question of an establishment, here goes! He goes impetuously to the table and seizes the papers in the blue envelope. How many horses did you say? Sergius Twenty, noble Switzer! Bluntschli I have two hundred horses. They are amazed. How many carriages? Sergius Three. Bluntschli I have seventy. Twenty-four of them will hold twelve inside, besides two on the box, without counting the driver and conductor. How many tablecloths have you? Sergius How the deuce do I know? Bluntschli Have you four thousand? Sergius No. Bluntschli I have. I have nine thousand six hundred pairs of sheets and blankets, with two thousand four hundred eiderdown quilts. I have ten thousand knives and forks, and the same quantity of dessert spoons. I have six hundred servants. I have six palatial establishments, besides two livery stables, a tea garden and a private house. I have four medals for distinguished services; I have the rank of an officer and the standing of a gentleman; and I have three native languages. Show me any man in Bulgaria that can offer as much. Petkoff With childish awe. Are you Emperor of Switzerland? Bluntschli My rank is the highest known in Switzerland: I’m a free citizen. Catherine Then Captain Bluntschli, since you are my daughter’s choice, I shall not stand in the way of her happiness. Petkoff is about to speak. That is Major Petkoff’s feeling also. Petkoff Oh, I shall be only too glad. Two hundred horses! Whew! Sergius What says the lady? Raina Pretending to sulk. The lady says that he can keep his tablecloths and his omnibuses. I am not here to be sold to the highest bidder. Bluntschli I won’t take that answer. I appealed to you as a fugitive, a beggar, and a starving man. You accepted me. You gave me your hand to kiss, your bed to sleep in, and your roof to shelter me⁠— Raina Interrupting him. I did not give them to the Emperor of Switzerland! Bluntschli That’s just what I say. He catches her hand quickly and looks her straight in the face as he adds, with confident mastery, Now tell us who you did give them to. Raina Succumbing with a shy smile. To my chocolate cream soldier! Bluntschli With a boyish laugh of delight. That’ll do. Thank you. Looks at his watch and suddenly becomes businesslike. Time’s up, Major. You’ve managed those regiments so well that you are sure to be asked to get rid of some of the Infantry of the Teemok division. Send them home by way of Lom Palanka. Saranoff: don’t get married until I come back: I shall be here punctually at five in the evening on Tuesday fortnight. Gracious ladies⁠—good evening. He makes them a military bow, and goes. Sergius What a man! What a man! Colophon