The Devil’s Dictionary, Ambrose Bierce [spicy books to read .TXT] 📗

fools are providentially drawn for their mutual destruction.

Two Seidlitz powders, one in blue
And one in white, together drew
And having each a pleasant sense
Of t’other powder’s excellence,
Forsook their jackets for the snug
Enjoyment of a common mug.
So close their intimacy grew
One paper would have held the two.
To confidences straight they fell,
Less anxious each to hear than tell;
Then each remorsefully confessed
To all the virtues he possessed,
Acknowledging he had them in
So high degree it was a sin.
The more they said, the more they felt
Their spirits with emotion melt,
Till tears of sentiment expressed
Their feelings. Then they effervesced!
So Nature executes her feats
Of wrath on friends and sympathetes
The good old rule who won’t apply,
That you are you and I am I.

Introduction

A social ceremony invented by the devil for the gratification of his servants and the plaguing of his enemies. The introduction attains its most malevolent development in this country, being, indeed, closely related to our political system. Every American being the equal of every other American, it follows that everybody has the right to know everybody else, which implies the right to introduce without request or permission. The Declaration of Independence should have read thus:

“We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights; that among these are life, and the right to make that of another miserable by thrusting upon him an incalculable quantity of acquaintances; liberty, particularly the liberty to introduce persons to one another without first ascertaining if they are not already acquainted as enemies; and the pursuit of another’s happiness with a running pack of strangers.”

Inventor

A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, levers and springs, and believes it civilization.

Irreligion

The principal one of the great faiths of the world.

Itch

The patriotism of a Scotchman.

J

J is a consonant in English, but some nations use it as a vowel⁠—than which nothing could be more absurd. Its original form, which has been but slightly modified, was that of the tail of a subdued dog, and it was not a letter but a character, standing for a Latin verb, jacere, “to throw,” because when a stone is thrown at a dog the dog’s tail assumes that shape. This is the origin of the letter, as expounded by the renowned Dr. Jocolpus Bumer, of the University of Belgrade, who established his conclusions on the subject in a work of three quarto volumes and committed suicide on being reminded that the j in the Roman alphabet had originally no curl.

Jealous

Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping.

Jester

An officer formerly attached to a king’s household, whose business it was to amuse the court by ludicrous actions and utterances, the absurdity being attested by his motley costume. The king himself being attired with dignity, it took the world some centuries to discover that his own conduct and decrees were sufficiently ridiculous for the amusement not only of his court but of all mankind. The jester was commonly called a fool, but the poets and romancers have ever delighted to represent him as a singularly wise and witty person. In the circus of today the melancholy ghost of the court fool effects the dejection of humbler audiences with the same jests wherewith in life he gloomed the marble hall, panged the patrician sense of humor and tapped the tank of royal tears.

The widow-queen of Portugal
Had an audacious jester
Who entered the confessional
Disguised, and there confessed her.

“Father,” she said, “thine ear bend down⁠—
My sins are more than scarlet:
I love my fool⁠—blaspheming clown,
And common, baseborn varlet.”

“Daughter,” the mimic priest replied,
“That sin, indeed, is awful:
The church’s pardon is denied
To love that is unlawful.

“But since thy stubborn heart will be
For him forever pleading,
Thou’dst better make him, by decree,
A man of birth and breeding.”

She made the fool a duke, in hope
With Heaven’s taboo to palter;
Then told a priest, who told the Pope,
Who damned her from the altar!

—⁠Barel Dort Jews-Harp

An unmusical instrument, played by holding it fast with the teeth and trying to brush it away with the finger.

Joss-Sticks

Small sticks burned by the Chinese in their pagan tomfoolery, in imitation of certain sacred rites of our holy religion.

Justice

A commodity which in a more or less adulterated condition the State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes and personal service.

K

K is a consonant that we get from the Greeks, but it can be traced away back beyond them to the Cerathians, a small commercial nation inhabiting the peninsula of Smero. In their tongue it was called Klatch, which means “destroyed.” The form of the letter was originally precisely that of our H, but the erudite Dr. Snedeker explains that it was altered to its present shape to commemorate the destruction of the great temple of Jarute by an earthquake, circa 730 BC. This building was famous for the two lofty columns of its portico, one of which was broken in half by the catastrophe, the other remaining intact. As the earlier form of the letter is supposed to have been suggested by these pillars, so, it is thought by the great antiquary, its later was adopted as a simple and natural⁠—not to say touching⁠—means of keeping the calamity ever in the national memory. It is not known if the name of the letter was altered as an additional mnemonic, or if the name was always Klatch and the destruction one of nature’s puns. As each theory seems probable enough, I see no objection to believing both⁠—and Dr. Snedeker arrayed himself on that side of the question.

Keep

He willed away his whole estate,
And then in death he fell asleep,
Murmuring: “Well, at any rate,
My name unblemished I shall keep.”
But when upon the tomb ’twas wrought
Whose was it?⁠—for the dead keep naught.

—⁠Durang Gophel Arn