The Photographer, Mary Carter [the best novels to read .TXT] 📗

worth it because of what it was doing and would do to their relationship. And she was probably angry at herself. But she felt angry at her husband because, well, in Amelia’s case, she was the wage earner for all intents and purposes. But he was supposed to be. She wasn’t supposed to be worried about money. That was the unspoken arrangement. She’s not supposed to wake up one morning and feel her way of life slipping away from her, out from underneath her. And he feels angry at her. Why is the burden on him? And why is she the one who’s running up the tab? And why, why, why.

Because someone lied to them. Someone told them that every year would be a little better than the last one. These were people who were working hard. They heard the silent promise floating through the air. And they probably believed it. Until one credit card bill after another started to pile up. And the private school tuitions were too much. And maybe we need to pull our kids out. Or move out because New York’s too expensive. And experience the shame because our friends would know why. And our children would know that this was never the plan. And for some of them, the children loved the school. And the children would be so sad. It all comes crashing down. It all comes crashing in on you. That can happen when you have too much. Like some people do.

But Fritz and Amelia were different. They were truly deserving and generous. Truly. They were raising a principled daughter and they were instilling decent values in her. Fritz and Amelia were talented, sensitive, cultured, intellectual types with fine sensibilities, well read, with sophisticated taste. I felt myself to be so very fortunate—that Fritz and Amelia and Natalie had entered into my life. All that they were. And it was because I knew that I was my best version of myself when I was with them. Yes. When I was in their house. In their company. I became the person I’d always wanted to be. Possibilities opened up for me. I knew I could help them. First and foremost, I could help Fritz to find Amelia.

And later, when Amelia returned … I could help them have the baby they longed to have. It was clearer than ever to me now. In life, sometimes we have an opportunity to choose our family. I couldn’t imagine there were any other people in the world with whom I’d have had such a strong connection. It was a certain kind of ecstasy to know where I belonged.

Fritz descended the stairs holding Natalie’s hand. I didn’t want her to see me, so I stepped back into the library and around the corner. A car horn beeped outside. Natalie kissed her father. Cello case in hand, she headed out the door, knowing nothing of her mother’s absence. The door closed behind her.

The house was now empty except for Fritz and me. I thought about the Straubs’ king-size bed, the mountain of pillows, their organic cotton sheets, and felt my body sliding under the sheets next to Fritz, his body on mine. I would help him get through this. He needed me right now. I needed him too. Holding Fritz close to me might ease the pain I was feeling. The excruciating pain of Amelia’s absence. I moved back into his line of sight.

He took a step back. “The important thing here is I need to find Amelia.”

“Yes.”

He was sinking, melting into quicksand. “Nothing else,” he said.

“Yes.” And I knew that he was right. I wanted Fritz’s hands on me. But more than that, I wanted Amelia back in the house.

Fritz and I looked out the window next to the door. I saw Natalie climb into the back seat of the Toyota Highlander that had pulled into the Straubs’ private driveway. The car door slammed shut. Her friend’s mother waved out the car window. I heard the car accelerating onto the street. Fritz finally looked back at me.

“Do you have access to Amelia’s calendar?” I asked.

In the daytime, the Straubs’ home office looked as if it were completely open to the side deck; one entire wall was made up of sliding doors with glass so clean, you wouldn’t even know it was there. Outside, I saw the snow beginning to melt. The rain had washed much of it away. I could almost make out the lines of the landscaping. A few potted plants, which had been covered with snow up until now, were starting to reveal themselves.

Fritz turned on Amelia’s computer. I sat next to him so I could look over his shoulder. His strong body odor filled the room.

Over the course of an hour, we looked through each and every meeting and call that had taken place that year, starting in January, as well as those that were scheduled to take place in late March and April.

“There was one time,” he said, “maybe five years ago, when I thought Amelia was having an affair. I was gone a lot. And I think she was lonely. I didn’t blame her.…” I heard a layer of darkness in his voice. “But it takes a toll.”

In my mind’s eye, I saw Amelia in bed with a woman, not a man. When I tried to make out the woman’s face, I realized it was mine.

“Recently she seems anxious,” I said.

Fritz continued to scroll through the calendar. “The whole baby thing.”

“I know.” My stomach clenched. He’d brought the subject up himself.

“Yeah, we’ve been looking at adopting,” he said. “Looking at surrogates.”

Amelia’s absence had led to an opening for the surrogate conversation. Here was an opportunity and I couldn’t turn away from it. “Did she find a surrogate?”

“We were … arguing. Amelia thinks a surrogate would confuse Natalie. And she doesn’t want her baby in a stranger’s body.”

“Of course.”

“It’s a decision with fucking zero information, all these donors, surrogates, birth mothers, for Christ’s sake. And