Mr. Darcy's Diary, Amanda Grange [elon musk reading list TXT] 📗

and yet it

seemed a lifetime away.

I had not been long in Hertfordshire, before I

saw, in common with others, that Bingley pre-

ferred your eldest sister, to any other young

woman in the country. I observed my friend’s

behaviour attentively; and I could then perceive

that his partiality for Miss Bennet was beyond

what I had ever witnessed in him.

Let there be no deception. I had done with deceit. I

had seen a partiality in Bingley, and I did not disguise it.

Your sister I also watched. Her look and man-

ners were open, cheerful and engaging as ever,

but without any symptom of peculiar regard,

and I remained convinced from the evening’s

scrutiny, that though she received his attentions

with pleasure, she did not invite them by any

participation of sentiment. If you have not been

mistaken here, I must have been in an error.

Your superior knowledge of your sister must

make the latter probable. If it be so, if I have

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been misled by such error, to inflict pain on her,

your resentment has not been unreasonable.

I was charitable, allowing Elizabeth her feelings, and

her natural defensiveness on behalf of her sister, but I

must also be charitable to myself.

…the want of connection could not be so great

an evil to my friend as to me. But there were

other causes of repugnance.

I hesitated. I had expressed these feelings before, in

person. Elizabeth’s words came back to me. ‘Had you

behaved in a more gentleman-like manner.’ Was it

ungentleman-like to list her family’s failings? My anger

stirred. No, it was nothing but the truth.And I would tell

the truth. I had already given her a disgust of me. I had

nothing left to fear.

These causes must be stated, though briefly.

The situation of your mother’s family, though

objectionable, was nothing in comparison of

that total want of propriety so frequently, so

almost uniformly betrayed by herself, by your

three younger sisters, and occasionally even by

your father. Pardon me. It pains me to offend

you.

Ungentleman-like? I thought, as I wrote the words. I

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had begged her pardon.What could be more gentlemanlike than that?

…let it give you consolation to consider that, to

have conducted yourselves so as to avoid any

share of the like censure, is praise no less gener-

ally bestowed on you and your eldest sister,

than it is honourable to the sense and disposi-

tion of both.

Not only gentleman-like but magnanimous, I thought,

well pleased.

Bingley left Netherfield for London, on the day

following, as you, I am certain, remember, with

the design of soon returning.

I paused for a moment. Here my conscience troubled

me. I had behaved in an underhand manner. It had worried me at the time, for deceit is repugnant to me, and

yet I had done it.

The part which I acted is now to be explained.

I paused again. But the letter must be written, and the

night was drawing on.

His sisters’ uneasiness had been equally excited

with my own; our coincidence of feeling was

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soon discovered, and, alike sensible that no time

was to be lost in detaching their brother, we

shortly resolved on joining him directly in Lon-

don. We accordingly went, and there I readily

engaged in the office of pointing out to my friend

the certain evils of such a choice. I described, and

enforced them earnestly. But, however this

remonstrance might have staggered or delayed

his determination, I do not suppose that it

would ultimately have prevented the marriage,

had it not been seconded by the assurance, which

I hesitated not in giving, of your sister’s indiffer-

ence. He had before believed her to return his

affection with sincere, if not with equal regard.

But Bingley has great natural modesty, with a

stronger dependence on my judgement than on

his own.To convince him, therefore, that he had

deceived himself, was no very difficult point.To

persuade him against returning into Hertford-

shire, when that conviction had been given, was

scarcely the work of a moment. I cannot blame

myself for having done thus much.

No, indeed I cannot. I spared him a fate which I did

not spare myself, and yet I was not easy. I had acted badly,

I must confess it. My honour demanded it.

There is but one part of my conduct in the

whole affair, on which I do not reflect with

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satisfaction; it is, that I condescended to adopt

the measures of art so far as to conceal from him

your sister’s being in town. I knew it myself, as

it was known to Miss Bingley; but her brother

is even yet ignorant of it.That they might have

met without ill consequence, is perhaps proba-

ble; but his regard did not appear to me enough

extinguished for him to see her without some

danger. Perhaps this concealment, this disguise

was beneath me; it is done, however, and it was

done for the best. On this subject I have noth-

ing more to say, no other apology to offer. If I

have wounded your sister’s feelings, it was

unknowingly done: and though the motives

which governed me may to you very naturally

appear insufficient, I have not yet learnt to con-

demn them.

I had written the easy part of the letter. The difficult

part was still to come. Had I the right to go further? The

incidents I had to relate did not only concern myself,

they concerned my sister, my dear Georgiana. If they

should ever be made public…but I found I had no

apprehension of it. Elizabeth would not speak of them to

anyone, certainly not if I asked her to keep silence, and

she had to know.

But did she have to know all? Did she have to know

of my sister’s weakness? I wrestled with myself. I returned

once more to the window. I watched the moon sailing

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over the cloudless sky. If she did not know of my sister’s

weakness, then she could not know of Wickham’s perfidy,