The Devil’s Dictionary, Ambrose Bierce [spicy books to read .TXT] 📗

over the crest
Of the hills to the east of my station
Displayed her broad disk to the darkening west
Like a visible new creation.

And I thought of a joke (and I laughed till I cried)
Of an idle young woman who tarried
About a church-door for a look at the bride,
Although ’twas herself that was married.

To poets all Nature is pregnant with grand
Ideas⁠—with thought and emotion.
I pity the dunces who don’t understand
The speech of earth, heaven and ocean.

—⁠Stromboli Smith Ovation

In ancient Rome, a definite, formal pageant in honor of one who had been disserviceable to the enemies of the nation. A lesser “triumph.” In modern English the word is improperly used to signify any loose and spontaneous expression of popular homage to the hero of the hour and place.

“I had an ovation!” the actor man said,
But I thought it uncommonly queer,
That people and critics by him had been led
By the ear.

The Latin lexicon makes his absurd
Assertion as plain as a peg;
In “ovum” we find the true root of the word.
It means egg.

—⁠Dudley Spink Overeat

To dine.

Hail, Gastronome, Apostle of Excess,
Well skilled to overeat without distress!
Thy great invention, the unfatal feast,
Shows Man’s superiority to Beast.

—⁠John Boop Overwork

A dangerous disorder affecting high public functionaries who want to go fishing.

Owe

To have (and to hold) a debt. The word formerly signified not indebtedness, but possession; it meant “own,” and in the minds of debtors there is still a good deal of confusion between assets and liabilities.

Oyster

A slimy, gobby shellfish which civilization gives men the hardihood to eat without removing its entrails! The shells are sometimes given to the poor.

P Pain

An uncomfortable frame of mind that may have a physical basis in something that is being done to the body, or may be purely mental, caused by the good fortune of another.

Painting

The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic.

Formerly, painting and sculpture were combined in the same work: the ancients painted their statues. The only present alliance between the two arts is that the modern painter chisels his patrons.

Palace

A fine and costly residence, particularly that of a great official. The residence of a high dignitary of the Christian Church is called a palace; that of the Founder of his religion was known as a field, or wayside. There is progress.

Palm

A species of tree having several varieties, of which the familiar “itching palm” (Palma hominis) is most widely distributed and sedulously cultivated. This noble vegetable exudes a kind of invisible gum, which may be detected by applying to the bark a piece of gold or silver. The metal will adhere with remarkable tenacity. The fruit of the itching palm is so bitter and unsatisfying that a considerable percentage of it is sometimes given away in what are known as “benefactions.”

Palmistry

The 947th method (according to Mimbleshaw’s classification) of obtaining money by false pretences. It consists in “reading character” in the wrinkles made by closing the hand. The pretence is not altogether false; character can really be read very accurately in this way, for the wrinkles in every hand submitted plainly spell the word “dupe.” The imposture consists in not reading it aloud.

Pandemonium

Literally, the Place of All the Demons. Most of them have escaped into politics and finance, and the place is now used as a lecture hall by the Audible Reformer. When disturbed by his voice the ancient echoes clamor appropriate responses most gratifying to his pride of distinction.

Pantaloons

A nether habiliment of the adult civilized male. The garment is tubular and unprovided with hinges at the points of flection. Supposed to have been invented by a humorist. Called “trousers” by the enlightened and “pants” by the unworthy.

Pantheism

The doctrine that everything is God, in contradistinction to the doctrine that God is everything.

Pantomime

A play in which the story is told without violence to the language. The least disagreeable form of dramatic action.

Pardon

To remit a penalty and restore to a life of crime. To add to the lure of crime the temptation of ingratitude.

Passport

A document treacherously inflicted upon a citizen going abroad, exposing him as an alien and pointing him out for special reprobation and outrage.

Past

That part of Eternity with some small fraction of which we have a slight and regrettable acquaintance. A moving line called the Present parts it from an imaginary period known as the Future. These two grand divisions of Eternity, of which the one is continually effacing the other, are entirely unlike. The one is dark with sorrow and disappointment, the other bright with prosperity and joy. The Past is the region of sobs, the Future is the realm of song. In the one crouches Memory, clad in sackcloth and ashes, mumbling penitential prayer; in the sunshine of the other Hope flies with a free wing, beckoning to temples of success and bowers of ease. Yet the Past is the Future of yesterday, the Future is the Past of tomorrow. They are one⁠—the knowledge and the dream.

Pastime

A device for promoting dejection. Gentle exercise for intellectual debility.

Patience

A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.

Patriot

One to whom the interests of a part seem superior to those of the whole. The dupe of statesmen and the tool of conquerors.

Patriotism

Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of anyone ambitious to illuminate his name.

In Dr. Johnson’s famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last resort of a scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.

Peace

In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting.

O, what’s the loud uproar assailing
Mine ears without cease?
’Tis the voice of the hopeful, all-hailing
The horrors of peace.

Ah, Peace Universal; they woo it⁠—
Would marry it, too.
If only they knew how to do it
’Twere easy to do.

They’re working by night and by day
On their problem, like moles.
Have mercy, O Heaven, I