The Devil’s Dictionary, Ambrose Bierce [spicy books to read .TXT] 📗

Clio, celestial recorder,
Set down great events in succession and order,
He surely had seen nothing droll or fortuitous
In anything here but the lies that she threw at us. —⁠Orpheus Bowen Prejudice

A vagrant opinion without visible means of support.

Prelate

A church officer having a superior degree of holiness and a fat preferment. One of Heaven’s aristocracy. A gentleman of God.

Prerogative

A sovereign’s right to do wrong.

Presbyterian

One who holds the conviction that the governing authorities of the Church should be called presbyters.

Prescription

A physician’s guess at what will best prolong the situation with least harm to the patient.

Present

That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope.

Presentable

Hideously appareled after the manner of the time and place.

In Boorioboola-Gha a man is presentable on occasions of ceremony if he have his abdomen painted a bright blue and wear a cow’s tail; in New York he may, if it please him, omit the paint, but after sunset he must wear two tails made of the wool of a sheep and dyed black.

Preside

To guide the action of a deliberative body to a desirable result. In Journalese, to perform upon a musical instrument; as, “He presided at the piccolo.”

The Headliner, holding the copy in hand,
Read with a solemn face:
“The music was very uncommonly grand⁠—
The best that was every provided,
For our townsman Brown presided
At the organ with skill and grace.”
The Headliner discontinued to read,
And, spread the paper down
On the desk, he dashed in at the top of the screed:
“Great playing by President Brown.”

—⁠Orpheus Bowen Presidency

The greased pig in the field game of American politics.

President

The leading figure in a small group of men of whom⁠—and of whom only⁠—it is positively known that immense numbers of their countrymen did not want any of them for President.

If that’s an honor surely ’tis a greater
To have been a simple and undamned spectator.
Behold in me a man of mark and note
Whom no elector e’er denied a vote!⁠—
An undiscredited, unhooted gent
Who might, for all we know, be President
By acclamation. Cheer, ye varlets, cheer⁠—
I’m passing with a wide and open ear!

—⁠Jonathan Fomry Prevaricator

A liar in the caterpillar state.

Price

Value, plus a reasonable sum for the wear and tear of conscience in demanding it.

Primate

The head of a church, especially a State church supported by involuntary contributions. The Primate of England is the Archbishop of Canterbury, an amiable old gentleman, who occupies Lambeth Palace when living and Westminster Abbey when dead. He is commonly dead.

Prison

A place of punishments and rewards. The poet assures us that⁠—

“Stone walls do not a prison make,”

but a combination of the stone wall, the political parasite and the moral instructor is no garden of sweets.

Private

A military gentleman with a field-marshal’s baton in his knapsack and an impediment in his hope.

Proboscis

The rudimentary organ of an elephant which serves him in place of the knife-and-fork that Evolution has as yet denied him. For purposes of humor it is popularly called a trunk.

Asked how he knew that an elephant was going on a journey, the illustrious Jo. Miller cast a reproachful look upon his tormentor, and answered, absently: “When it is ajar,” and threw himself from a high promontory into the sea. Thus perished in his pride the most famous humorist of antiquity, leaving to mankind a heritage of woe! No successor worthy of the title has appeared, though Mr. Edward Bok, of The Ladies’ Home Journal, is much respected for the purity and sweetness of his personal character.

Projectile

The final arbiter in international disputes. Formerly these disputes were settled by physical contact of the disputants, with such simple arguments as the rudimentary logic of the times could supply⁠—the sword, the spear, and so forth. With the growth of prudence in military affairs the projectile came more and more into favor, and is now held in high esteem by the most courageous. Its capital defect is that it requires personal attendance at the point of propulsion.

Proof

Evidence having a shade more of plausibility than of unlikelihood. The testimony of two credible witnesses as opposed to that of only one.

Proofreader

A malefactor who atones for making your writing nonsense by permitting the compositor to make it unintelligible.

Property

Any material thing, having no particular value, that may be held by A against the cupidity of B. Whatever gratifies the passion for possession in one and disappoints it in all others. The object of man’s brief rapacity and long indifference.

Prophecy

The art and practice of selling one’s credibility for future delivery.

Prospect

An outlook, usually forbidding. An expectation, usually forbidden.

Blow, blow, ye spicy breezes⁠—
O’er Ceylon blow your breath,
Where every prospect pleases,
Save only that of death.

—⁠Bishop Sheber Providential

Unexpectedly and conspicuously beneficial to the person so describing it.

Prude

A bawd hiding behind the back of her demeanor.

Publish

In literary affairs, to become the fundamental element in a cone of critics.

Push

One of the two things mainly conducive to success, especially in politics. The other is Pull.

Pyrrhonism

An ancient philosophy, named for its inventor. It consisted of an absolute disbelief in everything but Pyrrhonism. Its modern professors have added that.

Q Queen

A woman by whom the realm is ruled when there is a king, and through whom it is ruled when there is not.

Quill

An implement of torture yielded by a goose and commonly wielded by an ass. This use of the quill is now obsolete, but its modern equivalent, the steel pen, is wielded by the same everlasting Presence.

Quiver

A portable sheath in which the ancient statesman and the aboriginal lawyer carried their lighter arguments.

He extracted from his quiver,
Did this controversial Roman,
An argument well fitted
To the question as submitted,
Then addressed it to the liver,
Of the unpersuaded foeman.

—⁠Oglum P. Boomp Quixotic

Absurdly chivalric, like Don Quixote. An insight into the beauty and excellence of this incomparable adjective is unhappily denied to him who has the misfortune to know that the gentleman’s name is pronounced Ke-ho-tay.

When ignorance from out of our lives