The Sister-in-Law, Pamela Crane [have you read this book txt] 📗

There was nothing I could say. No future to hope for. No past to redeem. Any courage I had left was somewhere back in Pennsylvania.

‘Why not? I don’t deserve you,’ I answered, the sobs coming suddenly. ‘I don’t deserve anyone.’ My proclamation hung in the air. I was afraid to look at him; I couldn’t seem to find a place to rest my eyes.

He lifted my chin with the crook of his finger, then handed me a humble bouquet of flowers. Fragrant daylilies, one of my favorites.

‘I’m sorry it’s not nicer, but finding a quality flower arrangement at this hour is harder than you might expect. It was either these, or gas station carnations.’

I wiped my nose with the back of my hand and sniffled, choking on flowers and self-loathing. I set the flowers beside the scissors on my dresser.

‘You chose well.’ I felt my dry lips peel apart in a smile. ‘Can I ask where you’ve been?’

‘No, you don’t get to ask me questions.’

‘Then why did you come back? Other than because it’s your house and all.’

His pause seemed to guard thoughts he didn’t want to utter.

‘Because after a day of missing you, I realized I love you more than I hate what you’d done.’

‘You … you forgive me for lying to you about the baby?’

He glanced behind me before answering. ‘I’m not quite there yet. But I understand why you did it. I’ll need time—’

‘I’ll give you all the time in the world if it means there’s a chance we’ll stay together.’

‘I admit, Candace, I’m not sure how to feel. Everyone thinks I should leave you, that you’re bad for me. But I’ve never felt so good as when I’m with you. I don’t know what to do with that.’

It was everything I wanted to hear, except not. His family hated me – hell, I hated me – and yet he still chose me. There was something he wasn’t telling me.

‘Why do you still want me? I’m nothing special. You could have anyone you wanted, but you pick me, a messed-up woman who’s pregnant with her ex’s baby. Why?’

He shrugged. ‘It’s hard to explain. But when I’m with you, you’re beauty and perfection and belly laughs, and shattered plates and insanity and passion. And I love it all. I guess I feel alive with you.’

I scoffed. ‘You’re so full of it, Lane. You can smell the trailer park on me a mile away. I’m no good for you, no good for my baby, no good for myself.’

‘Hey,’ he soothed, placing his hand on my shoulder. ‘That’s not true. Clearly you’ll do anything for your baby …’ His palm slid up my neck and his fingers intertwined in my hair. ‘And by the way, hacking away your hair won’t fix things. What were you thinking?’

My reflection showed the horror I had made of it. Half flowed down one shoulder, the other half hung in uneven chunks. ‘If I can’t look beautiful for you, I don’t want to be beautiful for anyone else.’ I didn’t know how to explain it, my self-destructive tendencies. It was as though I wanted to punish myself for failing.

‘Well, you’re out of luck because I still find you breathtaking. And I think we should try again.’

‘Try what again?’

‘Try finding out who we are together with all of the secrets out of the way.’

His words dripped into my ear. Slowly, it started to fill up my brain … then my heart. More than anything, I wanted to find us again, rebrand our love, our own version of it. Fights were a marital rite of passage. So we cry and throw plates and cut our hair, vowing never to make the same mistakes again. Then we make up, and it brings us back to life. In the end, the misery of the low was worth the high.

The thing was, I had never intended to love him, only to use him to fill me back up. Then I found myself liking him, adoring the way he pulled out his sparse gray strands of hair in order to cling to his youth. And the way he screamed music lyrics while mowing the lawn. I knew it was love when I watched him clean up the piles of toenail clippings I left on the coffee table. No nagging. Just consistent kindness. I looked forward to the moments he snuck into my shower for a quickie. I hated him with all of my soul because I loved him with all my soul.

‘Yes.’ With that one word I became honest and vulnerable and terrified. ‘I want to try again too.’

Trailing his fingers down my arm, his touch sparked goose bumps in its wake. With the other hand, he fiddled with his phone, then set it down on the dresser while the Gin Blossoms’ ‘Til I Hear It from You’ began to play. Old-school and before my time. And perfect.

He kissed my forehead, holding me against him while we moved in unison to the music.

‘I’ve had a chance to think, and I know you’ve been through a lot. It wasn’t right for you to lie to me, but I understand why you did.’ I felt his words sink into me, then grow inside me.

‘You do?’ I looked up at him with an unspoken plea that this was real.

‘Maybe you were scared I wouldn’t accept you or the baby. Maybe you found out you were pregnant after we were already together. I don’t know the details of what exactly happened, and I’m not sure I want to. All I know is that I love you, Candace, and I want a family with you. On one condition.’

‘Of course. Anything.’

We continued drifting back and forth, feet touching, arms enfolding each other. ‘You never lie to me again. About anything. I want the truth going forward. If you lie to me again, it’s over. Can you promise me total honesty going forward?’

I wanted so desperately to say yes, to make that promise. But it would be