Clarissa Harlowe, Samuel Richardson [black authors fiction .txt] 📗

no, no, no! lifting up her clasped hands, I never never will, never, never can forgive you!⁠—and it is a punishment worse than death to me, that I am obliged to meet you, or to see you.

This is the last time, my dearest life, that you will ever see me in this posture, on this occasion: and again I kneeled to her. Let me hope, that you will be mine next Thursday, your uncle’s birthday, if not before. Would to Heaven I had never been a villain! Your indignation is not, cannot be greater, than my remorse⁠—and I took hold of her gown for she was going from me.

Be remorse thy portion!⁠—For thine own sake, be remorse thy portion!⁠—I never, never will forgive thee!⁠—I never, never will be thine!⁠—Let me retire!⁠—Why kneelest thou to the wretch whom thou hast so vilely humbled?

Say but, dearest creature, you will consider⁠—say but you will take time to reflect upon what the honour of both our families requires of you. I will not rise. I will not permit you to withdraw (still holding her gown) till you tell me you will consider.⁠—Take this letter. Weigh well your situation, and mine. Say you will withdraw to consider; and then I will not presume to withhold you.

Compulsion shall do nothing with me. Though a slave, a prisoner, in circumstance, I am no slave in my will!⁠—Nothing will I promise thee!⁠—Withheld, compelled⁠—nothing will I promise thee!

Noble creature! but not implacable, I hope!⁠—Promise me but to return in an hour!

Nothing will I promise thee!

Say but that you will see me again this evening!

O that I could say⁠—that it were in my power to say⁠—I never will see thee more!⁠—Would to Heaven I never were to see thee more!

Passionate beauty!⁠—still holding her⁠—

I speak, though with vehemence, the deliberate wish of my heart.⁠—O that I could avoid looking down upon thee, mean groveler, and abject as insulting⁠—Let me withdraw! My soul is in tumults! Let we withdraw!

I quitted my hold to clasp my hands together⁠—Withdraw, O sovereign of my fate!⁠—Withdraw, if you will withdraw! My destiny is in your power!⁠—It depends upon your breath!⁠—Your scorn but augments my love! Your resentment is but too well founded!⁠—But, dearest creature, return, return, return, with a resolution to bless with pardon and peace your faithful adorer!

She flew from me. The angel, as soon as she found her wings, flew from me. I, the reptile kneeler, the despicable slave, no more the proud victor, arose; and, retiring, tried to comfort myself, that, circumstanced as she is, destitute of friends and fortune; her uncle moreover, who is to reconcile all so soon, (as I thank my stars she still believes), expected.

O that she would forgive me!⁠—Would she but generously forgive me, and receive my vows at the altar, at the instant of her forgiving me, that I might not have time to relapse into my old prejudices! By my soul, Belford, this dear girl gives the lie to all our rakish maxims. There must be something more than a name in virtue!⁠—I now see that there is!⁠—Once subdued, always subdued⁠—’Tis an egregious falsehood!⁠—But, O Jack, she never was subdued. What have I obtained but an increase of shame and confusion!⁠—While her glory has been established by her sufferings!

This one merit is, however, left me, that I have laid all her sex under obligation to me, by putting this noble creature to trials, which, so gloriously supported, have done honour to them all.

However⁠—But no more will I add⁠—What a force have evil habits!⁠—I will take an airing, and try to fly from myself!⁠—Do not thou upbraid me on my weak fits⁠—on my contradictory purposes⁠—on my irresolution⁠—and all will be well.

Letter 275 Mr. Lovelace, to John Belford, Esq.

Wednesday Night

A man is just now arrived from M. Hall, who tells me, that my Lord is in a very dangerous way. The gout in his stomach to an extreme degree, occasioned by drinking a great quantity of lemonade.

A man of £8,000 a year to prefer his appetite to his health!⁠—He deserves to die!⁠—But we have all of us our inordinate passions to gratify: and they generally bring their punishment along with them⁠—so witnesses the nephew, as well as the uncle.

The fellow was sent upon other business; but stretched his orders a little, to make his court to a successor.

I am glad I was not at M. Hall, at the time my Lord took the grateful dose: (it was certainly grateful to him at the time): there are people in the world, who would have had the wickedness to say, that I had persuaded him to drink.

The man says, that his Lordship was so bad when he came away, that the family began to talk of sending for me in post haste. As I know the old peer has a good deal of cash by him, of which he seldom keeps account, it behoves me to go down as soon as I can. But what shall I do with this dear creature the while?⁠—Tomorrow over, I shall, perhaps, be able to answer my own question. I am afraid she will make me desperate.

For here have I sent to implore her company, and am denied with scorn.

I have been so happy as to receive, this moment, a third letter from the dear correspondent Miss Howe. A little severe devil!⁠—It would have broken the heart of my beloved, had it fallen into her hands. I will enclose a copy of it. Read it here.

Tuesday, June 20.

My Dearest Miss Harlowe,

Again I venture to you, (almost against inclination); and that by your former conveyance, little as I like it.

I know not how it is with you. It may be bad; and then it would be hard to upbraid you, for a silence you may not be able to help. But if not, what shall I say severe enough, that you have not answered either of my last letters? the first251