Captain Jinks, Hero, Ernest Howard Crosby [free e books to read TXT] 📗

known in his native land. A reception was arranged for him at the City Hall, and the Mayor came down to the steamer in a carriage with four horses to escort him thither. From the deck Sam could see a banner stretched across the street, on which was an inscription to the “Hero of San Diego, the Subduer of the Moritos, the Capturer of Gomaldo, the Conqueror of the Great White Temple, and the Friend and Instructor of the Emperor.” A few months before, Sam would have enjoyed this display without alloy, but now his health was really shattered, and in the bottom of his heart he felt that he was unworthy of it all, for he was not the perfect soldier he had believed he was, and under his uniform beat the heart of a vulgar civilian. His military instincts had their limit; his obedience could only be relied upon under certain circumstances. He was a mere amateur, and had no claim to rank as a military hero at all.

A swarm of reporters settled down upon General Jinks as soon as they could get on board, insisting upon having his opinion as to the growth of the city since he had seen it, the superiority of its climate to that of any part of the world, and the beauty of its women. Sam answered all these questions satisfactorily, and surrendered himself to the committee of citizens who had come on deck to welcome him. His luggage was passed without delay by the Custom House officials, and he was conducted down the wharf toward the carriage which awaited him. With true chivalry young ladies’ schools had been given the best positions on the wharf, and Sam soon found himself passing through a double row of pretty girls. He could hear such remarks as this:

“Isn’t he good-looking!”

“What a lovely uniform!”

“Hasn’t he got a fascinating limp!”

“How pale he is!”

“He does look just like a hero.”

Sam flushed slightly at these comments, but suddenly, before he had time to collect his thoughts, a slight form sprang forward from the left and an inviting face presented itself to his, and with the words, “May I, please?” a hearty kiss was planted on his lips. Sam had no time to decline, if he had wished to. A murmur of surprise and delight arose from the crowd, and in another moment another damsel rushed upon him, and then another and another. Before long he was the center of a throng of elbowing young ladies of all kinds, fair, plain, and indifferent, all bent upon giving him a kiss. Sam had indeed lost his nerve; for the first time in his life he capitulated absolutely and let the attacking party work its sweet will. It was with great difficulty that he was rescued by the reception committee and finally seated next to the Mayor in the landau.

“What a lot of cabdrivers you have there on the wharf!” said Sam to the Mayor, after their first greetings. “I never saw so many. Hear them crying out to the passengers coming ashore!”

“They’re not cabdrivers,” he answered. “They’re pension agents. They’re not crying ‘Want a cab?’ but ‘Want a pension?’ ”

“So they are,” said Sam. “What is that tune the young ladies are beginning to sing?”

“Don’t you know?” said the Mayor, laughing. “It’s ‘Captain Jinks.’ You’ll know it well enough before you are here long. Listen.”

Sam listened and heard sung for the first time lines that were to be imprinted upon his tympanum until they became a torture:

“I’m Captain Jinks of the Cubapines,
The pink of human war-machines,
Who teaches emperors, kings, and queens
The way to run an army.”

The news of the kissing reached the City Hall before the procession, and when he alighted there Sam had to kiss an immense number of women who were determined not to be outdone by their sisters at the wharf, while the whole crowd sang “Captain Jinks” in a frenzy of enthusiasm. The reception accorded to Sam at St. Kisco was so elaborate, and the arrangements made to do him honor were so extended, that he was obliged to stay there for several days. Meanwhile the news of his arrival and of his gallantry in kissing his countrywomen, young and old, spread all over the land and took hold of the popular imagination. Invitations to visit various cities on his way across the Continent began to come in, and everywhere Sam was acclaimed as the hero and idol of the people.

“It’s great, it’s great, old man!” cried Cleary. “Why, that kissing business is worth a dozen victories! The people here say that no general or admiral has had such a send-off in St. Kisco. Look at today’s papers! Thirteen places have petitioned to have their post-offices named after you. There will be Jinksvilles and Jinkstowns everywhere, and one is called Samjinks. Then they’re naming their babies after you like wildfire. Samuela is becoming a common girl’s name, and one chap has called his girl Samjinksina. All the girls are practising the Jinks limp, too. I saw one huge picture of you painted on the dead side of a house. It was an ad of the ‘Captain Jinks 5-cent Cigar.’ That’s the limit of a man’s ambition, I should say. And now they’re beginning to nominate you for President. I’m going to try to work that up. I’m sending a despatch to The Lyre this morning. If they take it up, we can put it through. The Republicrats hold their convention at St. Lewis next month, and they’ve been looking around for a military candidate, and you’re just the thing. Every woman in the country will be for you. They won’t dare to put up a candidate against you. You’ll just have a walkover. That song, ‘Captain Jinks,’ will do it alone. Everybody is singing it.”

“I thought I was too young,” said Sam. “Isn’t there an age limit?”

“Not a bit of it. They abolished that when they amended the Constitution and made the President’s