The Small House at Allington, Anthony Trollope [best ebook reader for chromebook .txt] 📗

ought to throw the world away for love? Such men there were; but was he one of them? Could he be happy in that small house, somewhere near the New Road, with five children and horrid misgivings as to the baker’s bill? Of all men living, was not he the last that should have allowed himself to fall into such a trap? All this passed through his mind as he turned his face up to the clouds with a look that was intended to be grand and noble.

“Speak to me, Adolphus, and say that it shall be so.”

Then his heart misgave him, and he lacked the courage to extricate himself from his trouble; or, as he afterwards said to himself, he had not the heart to do it. “If I understand you, rightly, Lily, all this comes from no want of love on your own part?”

“Want of love on my part? But you should not ask me that.”

“Until you tell me that there is such a want, I will agree to no parting.” Then he took her hand and put it within his arm. “No, Lily; whatever may be our cares and troubles, we are bound together⁠—indissolubly.”

“Are we?” said she; and as she spoke, her voice trembled, and her hand shook.

“Much too firmly for any such divorce as that. No, Lily, I claim the right to tell you all my troubles; but I shall not let you go.”

“But, Adolphus⁠—” and the hand on his arm was beginning to cling to it again.

“Adolphus,” said he, “has got nothing more to say on that subject. He exercises the right which he believes to be his own, and chooses to retain the prize which he has won.”

She was now clinging to him in very truth. “Oh, my love!” she said. “I do not know how to say it again. It is of you that I am thinking;⁠—of you, of you!”

“I know you are; but you have misunderstood me a little; that’s all.”

“Have I? Then listen to me again, once more, my heart’s own darling, my love, my husband, my lord! If I cannot be to you at once like Ruth, and never cease from coming after you, my thoughts to you shall be like those of Ruth:⁠—if aught but death part thee and me, may God do so to me and more also.” Then she fell upon his breast and wept.

He still hardly understood the depth of her character. He was not himself deep enough to comprehend it all. But yet he was awed by her great love, and exalted to a certain solemnity of feeling which for the time made him rejoice in his late decision. For a few hours he was minded to throw the world behind him, and wear this woman, as such a woman should be worn⁠—as a comforter to him in all things, and a strong shield against great troubles. “Lily,” he said, “my own Lily!”

“Yes, your own, to take when you please, and leave untaken while you please; and as much your own in one way as in the other.” Then she looked up again, and essayed to laugh as she did so. “You will think I am frantic, but I am so happy. I don’t care about your going now; indeed I don’t. There; you may go now, this minute, if you like it.” And she withdrew her hand from him. “I feel so differently from what I have done for the last few days. I am so glad you have spoken to me as you did. Of course I ought to bear all those things with you. But I cannot be unhappy about it now. I wonder if I went to work and made a lot of things, whether that would help?”

“A set of shirts for me, for instance?”

“I could do that, at any rate.”

“It may come to that yet, some of these days.”

“I pray God that it may.” Then again she was serious, and the tears came once more into her eyes. “I pray God that it may. To be of use to you⁠—to work for you⁠—to do something for you that may have in it some sober, earnest purport of usefulness;⁠—that is what I want above all things. I want to be with you at once that I may be of service to you. Would that you and I were alone together, that I might do everything for you. I sometimes think that a very poor man’s wife is the happiest, because she does do everything.”

“You shall do everything very soon,” said he; and then they sauntered along pleasantly through the morning hours, and when they again appeared at Mrs. Dale’s table, Mrs. Dale and Bell were astonished at Lily’s brightness. All her old ways had seemed to return to her, and she made her little saucy speeches to Mr. Crosbie as she had used to do when he was first becoming fascinated by her sweetness. “You know that you’ll be such a swell when you get to that countess’s house that you’ll forget all about Allington.”

“Of course I shall,” said he.

“And the paper you write upon will be all over coronets⁠—that is, if ever you do write. Perhaps you will to Bernard some day, just to show that you are staying at a castle.”

“You certainly don’t deserve that he should write to you,” said Mrs. Dale.

“I don’t expect it for a moment⁠—not till he gets back to London and finds that he has nothing else to do at his office. But I should so like to see how you and Lady Julia get on together. It was quite clear that she regarded you as an ogre; didn’t she, Bell?”

“So many people are ogres to Lady Julia,” said Bell.

“I believe Lady Julia to be a very good woman,” said Mrs. Dale, “and I won’t have her abused.”

“Particularly before poor Bernard, who is her pet nephew,” said Lily. “I dare say Adolphus will become a pet too when she has been a week with him at Courcy Castle. Do