Happy Kids, Cathy Glass [best ebook reader for ubuntu .TXT] 📗

* It is reasonable for Tom and Claire to decide which toys to play with, and if they want tomato sauce on their dinner.

On the other hand, it is reasonable for you to decide:

*  their bedtimes

*  what time they get up in the morning in order to arrive at nursery or school on time

*  how much television they watch and which programmes are suitable.

Likewise you make the decision not to allow Tom or Claire to:

*  use matches (when young)

*  ride their bikes in the road (until it is age appropriate and they can navigate the traffic)

*  tie up and blindfold their younger sibling, as the game will frighten him/her

*  kick the football into the flower beds

*  shout, scream, swear, kick or in any way hurt other people.

Control is shared, with the child gradually taking more control as they grow and acquire the skills for making sensible decisions. When exerting control, always explain the reason for your decision (and therefore the reason for your control) and then see it through, using the 3Rs as necessary.

If, on reflection, you feel your Request or decision was not reasonable, then reappraise and adjust. Children will often point out unfairness when a parent has got it wrong. In the case of Tom being told to stop banging his drum because it was getting on mum’s nerves, he might say something like, ‘Can’t you cover your ears/go in another room if you don’t like it?’ Here is an opportunity for you to reappraise your Request. Was it reasonable? If it was, explain why and see it through, using the 3Rs. If on reflection you think your request wasn’t reasonable, then offer an alternative – ‘I tell you what, Tom, as I need to be in this room, you take the drum into the front room.’ Your request is now reasonable and Tom needs to comply.

Should you use the naughty chair?

For anyone who is not familiar with this, the naughty chair/step/spot/corner is a designated area where the child is made to sit alone for a set period of time (usually one minute for each year of the child’s age), until he or she is ready to rejoin the family or group and behave. Many parents, carers, childminders and nursery schools use the naughty chair, and find it works very well. It allows the child to take time out to calm down and reflect on his or her bad behaviour. It also reinforces in the child’s mind that he or she has been naughty and their behaviour was unacceptable.

If you are already using the naughty chair method for disciplining your child and it is working, that is fine; continue modifying your child’s unacceptable behaviour in this way. As with all child-rearing advice, do what you feel comfortable with and what works for you and your child. But don’t feel the method is an essential tool for managing your child’s behaviour.

If you are not already using the naughty spot, or feel uncomfortable about using it, then please consider my reasons for not using it:

*  Repeatedly having to return a child to the naughty spot if he or she gets off it can turn into confrontation and an issue in itself.

*  It has the uncomfortable ring of the Victorian classroom, where a child was singled out and humiliated by being made to stand in a corner or on a chair in front of their class as a punishment.

*  It is demeaning for the child to be singled out in a negative way, particularly in front of his or her siblings or peers.

*  It draws attention to negative behaviour, and can also easily be viewed by the child as a game, where the child jumps off the spot when mum’s back is turned.

*  Having to return the child repeatedly to the naughty spot is another stress for a parent who is already overwrought from having to deal with their child’s bad behaviour. If the child is in the frame of mind to complete the Request to go to the naughty spot first time, and stay there until the time is up, then he or she is unlikely to need this form of discipline in the first place, as the child is already obeying his parent.

Instead of the naughty spot, I use the 3Rs technique, rewarding all good behaviour and applying a sanction if the child persists in the bad behaviour. More on sanctions and rewards follows later.

Don’t use the third person

I have never understood why many parents, teachers, nursery staff and adults generally refer to themselves in third person when talking to a child – ‘You know Mummy loves you', ‘Daddy told you not to go in the shed', ‘Mrs Smith asked you to clear up after art.’ I can’t think of any other situation where we do this except when an adult talks to a child, and I find it most odd.

You wouldn’t go into a hairdresser’s and say about yourself, ‘Mary would like a hair cut, please.’ Or go to the bank and say, ‘Dave would like to talk to the manager about a loan.’ Of course you wouldn’t. It would sound ludicrous, and you would never address another adult in this way. Yet many of us do it with our children.

How or why this habit has developed, I’ve no idea and I haven’t been able to find out. But it is a very unhelpful way for an adult, particularly a parent, to talk to a child, for one very good reason: it has the effect of distancing the Request or statement from the adult, which means the child is less likely to respond to it. The nature of the third person is distance: it is not about me (I) but that person over there. The very nature of the third person makes it one step removed and therefore weaker in its effect.

Instead, always use the first person, ‘I’, when talking to a child, whether expressing emotion or managing a child’s behaviour through a Request or direction. ‘I love you’ has