Happy Kids, Cathy Glass [best ebook reader for ubuntu .TXT] 📗

on the world. And although this is a wondrous and amazing discovery for a very young child, it can also be very frightening if left unchecked.

Freedom is fantastic as long as it is controlled and moderated by someone who knows better than the child and has the child’s best interests at heart. This is the reason we, as parents, put in place boundaries that set limits on the freedom of behaviour, beyond which the child may not go. Boundaries of acceptable behaviour show the child how to behave and take his or her place in both the family and society at large. During the process of putting in place boundaries, the young child will be encouraged to do certain things and stopped from doing other things – by example, through verbal direction and ultimately by the parent’s action. If, as the parent, you Request your child to do something, or stop doing something negative, then you must see through your Request – Request, Repeat and Reassure, where Reassure becomes Reaffirm as you make the toddler do as you have asked.

My heart always goes out to the harassed mother in the supermarket who is trying to reason with her toddler to get into the pushchair, or return a packet of sweets to the shelves, and receiving in return absolutely no cooperation and instead a cute smile or a defiant ‘No. Won’t!’ Verbal persuasion is fine, and indeed it is an intrinsic part of the 3Rs, but this is the point where Request and Repeat becomes Reaffirm, and the result is achieved by gently but firmly making the child do as you have reasonably Requested, using physical means if necessary.

Smacking

I need to say at this point that I would never smack or physically punish a child in any way. It is illegal for child-minders or foster carers to smack a child in their care, and to smack a child who is not your own could result in a prosecution for assault. It isn’t illegal in the UK for a parent to smack their child, as long it falls within ‘reasonable chastisement’ and the smack is not hard enough to leave a mark. However, smacking suggests a loss of control on the part of the parent and sets a bad example to the child. If you smack, your child is likely to follow your example; and the bottom line is that smacking is a form of abuse. You wouldn’t want your child smacking or hitting anyone else; indeed you would tell him or her off for doing so. It is worth noting that since Sweden banned smacking, child deaths at the hands of parents have fallen to nil; in Britain there are still more than one a week. Countless studies have shown that smacking is not a successful tool for managing a child’s behaviour and can leave psychological scars well into adulthood. It’s far better to apply positive guidance following the 3Rs approach, where your child does as you have asked without physical punishment.

Let’s take a closer look at how the 3Rs technique works in practice, using the example of the toddler who won’t get into its pushchair in the supermarket. This example is a good working model for all other behaviour where a toddler won’t do as requested.

First you Request the child to get into its pushchair, giving the reason –‘Claire, get into your pushchair now, love. We need to go through the checkout.’You say it kindly but firmly, and in an even voice. This is the voice of the parent who is in charge, and the voice that the child will be learning comes with a reasonable request. If your child refuses, you Repeat the Request more firmly –‘Get into the pushchair now, please. We need to go through the checkout.’If there is still no cooperation, then you Reaffirm by telling your child what you are going to do, i.e. what will happen if the child doesn’t do as you have asked, which in this case will be to put Claire into the pushchair.

You should always warn the child what you are going to do – i.e. what the consequences of their non-cooperation will be. This gives the child another opportunity to do as you have Requested (the final opportunity); also, when you see through your Request with physical action, it won’t startle or frighten the child. Suddenly picking up a fractious child and strapping him or her into the pushchair is likely to make them even more resistant (and fractious).

But don’t get into a debate about the whys and wherefores of what you have asked your child to do. Children of all ages can be very good at debating when they don’t want to comply, and a lengthy and heated discussion will only make you more frustrated and challenge your Request and authority. You can discuss the pros and cons of why you needed the child’s cooperation later, when the child has done as asked and is more open to reason. For now you have reasonably Requested your child to do something, giving the reason, and Repeated the request, and the child must do as he or she has been asked. You are the parent and you are in charge.

Do not back down. This is important: otherwise your Request will sound hollow next time. However, you can modify your Request if you think it is appropriate. For example,‘Get into the pushchair now, Claire, and you can walk when we are out of the supermarket.’

So the final Request is made and the consequences for the child, if she doesn’t comply, stated –‘Claire, get into your pushchair, now please. Otherwise I will have to put you in.’You can now offer a reassuring and guiding hand, directing Claire into the pushchair. But if Claire is still refusing, then you gently but firmly lift her into the pushchair and fasten the safety harness.‘Well done, Claire. You stay there.’

If you and Claire have had similar experiences before while shopping and you