The Small House at Allington, Anthony Trollope [best ebook reader for chromebook .txt] 📗

This she said, remembering at the moment what had been Crosbie’s injunctions to her about John Eames. But John had resolved that he would say those words which he had come to speak, and that, as Lily was there with him, he would avail himself of the chance which fortune had given him.

“I don’t think I’ll go into the squire’s garden,” he said.

“Uncle Christopher is not there. He is about the farm somewhere.”

“If you don’t mind, Lily, I think I’ll stay here. I suppose they’ll be back soon. Of course I should like to see them before I go away to London. But, Lily, I came over now chiefly to see you. It was you who asked me to promise.”

Had Crosbie been right in those remarks of his? Had she been imprudent in her little endeavour to be cordially kind to her old friend? “Shall we go into the drawing-room?” she said, feeling that she would be in some degree safer there than out among the shrubs and paths of the garden. And I think she was right in this. A man will talk of love out among the lilacs and roses, who would be stricken dumb by the demure propriety of the four walls of a drawing-room. John Eames also had some feeling of this kind, for he determined to remain out in the garden, if he could so manage it.

“I don’t want to go in unless you wish it,” he said. “Indeed, I’d rather stay here. So, Lily, you’re going to be married?” And thus he rushed at once into the middle of his discourse.

“Yes,” said she, “I believe I am.”

“I have not told you yet that I congratulated you.”

“I have known very well that you did so in your heart. I have always been sure that you wished me well.”

“Indeed I have. And if congratulating a person is hoping that she may always be happy, I do congratulate you. But, Lily⁠—” And then he paused, abashed by the beauty, purity, and woman’s grace which had forced him to love her.

“I think I understand all that you would say. I do not want ordinary words to tell me that I am to count you among my best friends.”

“No, Lily; you don’t understand all that I would say. You have never known how often and how much I have thought of you; how dearly I have loved you.”

“John, you must not talk of that now.”

“I cannot go without telling you. When I came over here, and Mrs. Dale told me that you were to be married to that man⁠—”

“You must not speak of Mr. Crosbie in that way,” she said, turning upon him almost fiercely.

“I did not mean to say anything disrespectful of him to you. I should hate myself if I were to do so. Of course you like him better than anybody else?”

“I love him better than all the world besides.”

“And so do I love you better than all the world besides.” And as he spoke he got up from his seat and stood before her. “I know how poor I am, and unworthy of you; and only that you are engaged to him, I don’t suppose that I should now tell you. Of course you couldn’t accept such a one as me. But I have loved you ever since you remember; and now that you are going to be his wife, I cannot but tell you that it is so. You will go and live in London; but as to my seeing you there, it will be impossible. I could not go into that man’s house.”

“Oh, John.”

“No, never; not if you become his wife. I have loved you as well as he does. When Mrs. Dale told me of it, I thought I should have fallen. I went away without seeing you because I was unable to speak to you. I made a fool of myself, and have been a fool all along. I am foolish now to tell you this, but I cannot help it.”

“You will forget it all when you meet some girl that you can really love.”

“And have I not really loved you? Well, never mind. I have said what I came to say, and I will now go. If it ever happens that we are down in the country together, perhaps I may see you again; but never in London. Goodbye, Lily.” And he put out his hand to her.

“And won’t you stay for mamma?” she said.

“No. Give her my love, and to Bell. They understand all about it. They will know why I have gone. If ever you should want anybody to do anything for you, remember that I will do it, whatever it is.” And as he paced away from her across the lawn, the special deed in her favour to which his mind was turned⁠—that one thing which he most longed to do on her behalf⁠—was an act of corporal chastisement upon Crosbie. If Crosbie would but ill-treat her⁠—ill-treat her with some antenuptial barbarity⁠—and if only he could be called in to avenge her wrongs! And as he made his way back along the road towards Guestwick, he built up within his own bosom a castle in the air, for her part in which Lily Dale would by no means have thanked him.

Lily when she was left alone burst into tears. She had certainly said very little to encourage her forlorn suitor, and had so borne herself during the interview that even Crosbie could hardly have been dissatisfied; but now that Eames was gone her heart became very tender towards him. She felt that she did love him also;⁠—not at all as she loved Crosbie, but still with a love that was tender, soft, and true. If Crosbie could have known all her thoughts at that moment, I doubt whether he would have liked them. She burst into tears, and then hurried away into some nook where she could not be seen by her mother and Bell on their return.

Eames went on