The Funny Thing about Norman Foreman, Julietta Henderson [best novels to read for students .TXT] 📗

tried, and as many pethidine waves as I rode, I still couldn’t think about Norman standing up on a stage in my father’s moth-eaten jacket without seeing the emptiness around him. All that space that Jax used to fill with his laughter, his noise, his badness, his goodness and his funniness. And the space that my father could have – should have – filled in his life. Come on, love. Let’s go home. In my life.

48NORMAN

First rule of comedy: Find your groove and stay in it.

The first night I ever did a break and enter and got to escape on the back of a moped with a guy that might be my dad was also the first night I ever met a man called Lucy who lived on a houseboat. Lucy is short for Lucien and he’s James’s dad, who just happens to be nearly as cool as James.

After we escaped from the Whisky-a-Go-Go on the moped and we were sure nobody was following us, James got us back to the Soft Fudge without even getting lost. Which was good because, number one, I was hoping that Mum and Leonard would be back there waiting for me, and number two, it meant I didn’t have to worry about James being a kidnapper or a paedo any more. Not that I was really, but it was good to be absolutely sure.

But even better than that was the actual ride back, because James rode that moped fast. And I mean really fast. We went down side streets and back alleys and took loads of squiggly turns, which actually did make me wonder if maybe he really was kidnapping me. But I decided I didn’t even mind because it was so much fun. Every time we’d turn a corner James yelled out something like, hold on tight yersel’, Normie lad, and I’d close my eyes, squeeze my arms around his tummy a bit tighter and imagine that I was Jax riding on his moped to Venus.

When we got back to the Soft Fudge, straight away I knew nobody was there, though, because when I looked up to the window of the Caramel Suite there were no lights on. I knew Mum would have been waiting up and worrying about me if she was there, which made me very glad that I’d called James when I did instead of still being on my own worrying about her and wondering if she’d found Leonard.

James said we should go up anyhow just to check, but that there was no way he was going to leave me on my own in that neighbourhood in a place that didn’t even have a lock on the front door. Which was fine by me. When we got upstairs I got the key from where I’d put it under the mat outside the room and everything inside looked exactly the same as when I’d left. Which was good, because it meant the drug dealers hadn’t broken in to steal our stuff and Leonard’s laptop, but bad because it meant that Mum was definitely still not back.

When I went to get my phone out of my pocket to try to call her I realized that somewhere between putting on my chef’s disguise, flying in through Slim’s office window and being on a high-speed, back-of-a-moped ride around Edinburgh it must have dropped out. So then James said that there was nothing else for it and I would have to come with him to his dad’s place, but we’d leave a note with his phone number so the minute Mum came back she’d know I was safe and she could call me.

It seemed like a good plan, and even though I was really worried about Mum, I knew she must have a very good reason for not getting back by six at the latest. Because she’d never break a promise on purpose and I know for a fact she never has. And I also knew that if she’d found Leonard, which I reckon she would have, he would definitely be looking after her and she’d be looking after him, because they’re both responsible adults.

There were loads of responsible adults on Lucy’s houseboat because Wednesdays are when his best mates Beano and Gray come around for a pie, a pint and a piece of their mind. Which James said was just an excuse to get blathered and talk shite, but he winked at me when he said it so I could tell he was only joking.

Lucy’s houseboat was pretty small to be a whole house, but it was the coolest place I’ve ever seen and when we squeezed down the tiny stairs straight away all the guys started going hey and oi and shouting out, what are you doing here, James? James gave his dad a hug hello and then he asked if there was room for a little one, which was me. Lucy said, aye, it was about time they had some new blood in the group, and so even before James told them who I was or why I was there or anything, Beano jumped up and Gray budged down and they gave me a spot in between them. There was hardly even any room for me to move my arms, but the guys smelled like Guinness and chicken pie and it felt pretty nice sitting there.

Lucy cut me off a gigantic bit of his famous home-made pie and Gray poured me two fingers of Guinness into a half-pint glass and said, git that intae ye, lad, without even asking me if I wanted it. Like I was just one of the guys. And you know what’s funny? It didn’t feel like I was sitting on a boat that was really a house with a bunch of strangers in a strange city and I’d lost my mum and Jax was dead. It felt more like I’d dropped over to a friend’s place for dinner after breaking into