Plays 2: Weird Time Blues Shuffle, Colin Peterson, George O'Sullivan [8 ebook reader txt] 📗

   Goba escapes by falling through a pretend window.

 

Tosst What a sucker! (Tosst closes the window.)  Should we have the walls repaired? They’re a bit thin.  Now Carrion, you are now Goba: a vile inmate and shit-eater? How is that?

 

Carrion Brilliant! I can get into my part a bit more now! My name’s odd! It’s weird how things go, isn’t it?

 

Tosst YES! Yes, you’re weird. You indie kids think you’re so cool, but you’re…actually, I do find your  generation cool. They’re easy lays.

 

        Security guards enter, led by Poval. He is the chief of security and wears an army helmet.

 

Poval Sir, where do you want us to take the patient?

 

Tosst See that Mr. Carrion - I mean Goba - is escorted to the Jacuzzi. Make sure everything is right  for him and you’ll be rewarded!

 

Poval Bigger pay cheques?

 

Tosst No! Greedy fools! No, what I’ll do is this: I won’t tell when you sick guards interfere with the patients. (Pause. The Guards are uncomfortable.) I know what you guys do; you’re dodgy and, ultimately,  not trustworthy. Welcome to the perfect haven from all those former ideas about you! .You’ll work for me as -

 

Poval Yeah, we don’t care. It’s nice in here. Better then out there. Just don’t spoil it. We never say a word about malpractice anyway. We’re too busy screwing around. No, just kidding, doc. (Winks; Tosst smiles.) We fill out the odd form.

 

Carrion Come on, come on, come on -

 

Poval Oh, goody! He wants us! Let’s rush him!

 

      The excitable security guards take Carrion away, stripping him as they carry him.

 

Tosst (ripping up a hidden camera from the floor; speaks into it.) Ah, I get very sad when a patient gets their first rushing by the guards. But my army will defend. I hope Poval checks for hidden cameras in the anal crevice. We cannot be discovered! I’m sure he’ll check there anyway.

 

Scene 6. Emptiness, for the moment. Wede, looking deadened, is in a chair. Voices ask her questions.

 

Wede Look, I can’t take -

 

Voice 1 Answer the question properly. What drove you mad?

 

Wede I don’t know, maybe it's people doing that boring theatrical talky thing. It's very middle-class, isn't it? 

 

Voice 2 That’s rubbish! You must think of something better than that!

 

Wede Humans! They drive me mad! Like you lot are now! (Pause.) Can I smoke?

 

Voice 3 Would you like to have a penis?

 

Wede I’m not fussed at the moment. Can I -

 

Voice 2 You look like shit. They botched the op, didn’t they? Do you take shit?

 

Wede (breaking down.) I can’t take this - I want to break free!

 

Voice 3 Cliché-warning! That’s a song and you hate humans, huh? You human?

 

Wede No. Not anymore.

 

All Voices (in unison.)You’re a liar, we hate liars! UMMMMMMM, LIESSSSSSSS!

 

Poval enters with invisible written all over his clothes; he tries to rape Weder. She screams.

 

Wede There is something in here, in me! There really is!

 

House lights up to reveal a conference room: Bohl enters. Poval does up his trousers and exits, quickly.

 

Wede Wow, that was an interesting exercise. I think I’m cured now - that’s wicked, Dr. Really brought my confidence up. I think I’ll go to India and Ethiopia to see starvation, so I can find myself! Then I’ll be one with the world. 

 

Bohl No, Wede, you’re still being too blunt. Remember: you say that those starving people help you to find yourself. Don’t worry; only words. A war of bullshit. Read this (Hands her little red book.) It’s not mine I just thought it looked cool if I passed it to you and said nothing -

 

Wede I didn’t get a word of that. I can’t read.

 

Bohl Well, you have no ears, and have parts of your brain missing. They did botch it, didn’t they?

 

Wede It was you, sir.

 

Bohl (snatching the book back and ripping up the book, sticking the pages in his mouth, chomping.)Me, eh? I would have remembered something like that. This is a terrible situation to be in!  

 

Wede You’re idea, sir? The one you were going to tell me earlier, but, as usual, you digressed?

 

Bohl I forgot. Did you know it?

 

Wede No, you said nothing.

 

Bohl Telepathic now? How did that happen? You’re a phenomena. Too much brain power is bad, you know. You’ll never do anything.

 

Wede What was the point of this exercise?

 

Bohl (pause.) They - that’s Tosst and Carrion - think you’re a spy and they want you to own up to being one. You’re an investigative reporter, aren’t you? AREN’T YOU, GODDAMIT! I WANT THE STUFF, WHICH IS NEARLY TRUE, BUT NOT TOO FALSE!

 

We see a reporter - Ed Stern-  snooping in the background taking pictures and filming with a  viewcam. He is a very clumsy snooper and makes a lot of noise. Bohl and Wede ignore him.

 

Bohl Sorry about the background noise, but this is bad place to gas.

 

Wede You asking me out?

 

Bohl Canteen, say seven-thirty?

 

Wede I’ll be more than that, but I’ll see you later. About nine ?

 

Bohl Okay, that’s better. Sorry, about shouting off and going off on one. It’s what I do, if you, er, yeah.

 

Wede That’s cool. Shall we pose for that mad photographer - must be a publicist for this place - just over there?

 

Bohl. Good idea! Tosst will be pleased. Let’s capture the moment!

 

They pose for Ed Stern, as he takes the photographs of them in cheapo-porno poses.

 

Scene 7: Laboratory. Bohl enters and starts to trash all the equipment. There is the sound of thunder and lightning. The lights flicker, as the electrical storm gathers momentum. Sparks fly around the lab. Tosst enters and turns on  the light switch. There is bang. Then a siren is heard and a blue, emergency UV, light comes on. Bohl is crying, slumped in the debris of the lab.

 

Tosst (shocked.) What the fuck is going on, dear boy?

 

Bohl I don’t know, but I think we’ve been rumbled! They want to smear our name! Haven’t you seen the news?

 

Tosst No, I don’t pay attention to such absurdities.

 

Bohl The one that got away was a powerful person in disguise. He has no brain, but he was clever. I didn’t know they could make them like that now. (Pause, as Bohl gets his breath back.) They know about our malpractice.

 

Tosst This will cause a revolution! The ranks will call us wankers. We’ll be done for. Activate the escape pods!

 

Bohl They called us mental patients!

 

Tosst Well, that’s…Er...I'm trying to find the right word her…Still can’t think of one…I guess Crazy will do!

 

Bohl Don’t start that up again! Wait a minute: what escape pods?

 

Tosst The ones that help us to escape! This isn't some prissy BBC three-part puzzler. The budget allows for whatever you want. We're on a space ship, aren't we? 

 

Bohl I worry about you at times. Our reputation is on the line here! My degree I bought off you was a good one - I don’t want to see it wasted!

 

Tosst Well, it didn’t cost much did it?

 

Bohl That’s not the point - it’s the principle! You never even gave me a loyalty card! Let’s think: how can we preserve this better - more paternalistic - society we have formed in a mental home?

 

Tosst By not telling anyone!

 

Bohl That’s the problem: someone already knows! Shit, I have to go. I have a date tonight.

 

Tosst Anywhere nice? I hear the canteen is very good. About nine.

 

Bohl Yes, that’s where I’m taking her. You seem to know everything.

 

Tosst Ah, just a guess that you’re dating a real mental patient.

 

Bohl Yes and no. It’s complex. She’s mad, but I think she could be a spy.

 

Tosst You mean the journalist? Have you quizzed her?

 

Bohl Yes, but I think she is playing with me.

 

Tosst So she’s a player too? Well, I suppose every little bit helps, but try to roll her back. You know, like on TV and Korea. Were you there? Poval was. Has Poval interfered with her yet? get him in there - we'll all want the footage.

 

Bohl. No footage to my knowledge, so Poval could've done anything. But she came in with the powerful one: that Goba. We botched the experiments, remember?

 

Tosst Goba? Goba? That name rings a bell! He’s still here!

 

Bohl Is he?

 

Tosst Yes, he’s one of my best clients. Financed the jacuzzi, the nuclear power and got me a pre-owned copy of Nu-Clear Sounds; and the decks, can't forget about those old things with the antique Maplins mixers, can I? Amongst other things, favours, sweet nothings. Look, if this mental patient - what’s her name?

 

Bohl Number forty-six. Why did you assume it was a woman? 

 

Tosst Because it’s the norm! They can't handle the programming.  Look, I’m being straight here: if she’s not real then kick her out. I have some rich kids waiting to get in. They’re sick of the celebrity circuit - that means daddy can’t get them a good job in marketing, media, porn, or whatever - and they want to live here! It’s the subsidised haven for life, you see. It’s the perfect utopia! Not that I’m saying this is a utopia. That would be -

 

Bohl Do you want me to show them around,as I’m the attractive doctor?

 

Tosst. No, I was going to leave that to Doctor Carrion. He’s good, you know. Just like the guy off ER - I mean: Casualty. Very nimble with the vivisection machine.

 

Bohl. Oh. I see. So that’s the new doctor, eh? You love him more?

 

Tosst. Why yes, of course! He’s paying me and I’m paying you! You see, you’re not paying anyone yet. You’re nothing. If you don’t buck up, Bohl, you're out of utopia! So, buck up and be your own boss. It's capitalism boyo! That’s what my daddy said. And he was bankrupt! I couldn't get a shit sandwich free at the point of entry. 

 

Bohl. Well, this is pretty good, I suppose. I won't freak out too much. We have to watch ourselves. War needs to be avoided - and won, slowly - if I may speak for popular and unpopular opinion.  So it could be close.

 

Tosst I’m not doing the whole repetition thing with you, Bohl. Buck up or get out. And if you don’t sort out the journalist, you’re out anyway. Okay?

 

Bohl (taking out a bag of nuts.) Nuts, doctor?

 

            Tosst snatches the bag and throws them in the air. Bohl and Tosst then frantically grab at the nuts.

 

Tosst That was a bit nutty. I know, I couldn't resist it, but at least we're getting down to it. I find it quite romantic actually cleaning up the nuts with my nuts rubbing the floor. It's like the old days.

 

Bohl It is. I'm sorry, I'll sort it out.

 

Tosst Good. You can have my nuts when you've finished with these.

 

Bohl Thanks sir.

 

            Bohl thinks about it, throwing the nuts at Tosst.

 

Scene 8: TV: a  TV reporter is discussing today’s events; Goba sits, spinning in a swivel chair, going 'weee'

 

TV Reporter Everyone is going mad. It's a crazy world, I've just watched twelve hours of z-list celebrities going to toilet on a reality show. By the way, theere's a famine somewhere too. A real mad world isn't it? But isn’t that normal? It must be now! In the sixties everyone was reading counter-culture piffle, stuff like Freud, and taking dodgy drugs. They listened to dodgy music and watched dodgy films. But it hasn’t got any better - at least they knew they were kind of cool. Now we’re bland. I’m here, with President Goba, to talk about how he will reform the mental laws - and redefine society aswell - in this country, and all over the world

 

Goba Well, I’m going to close them all down. That’s the only way. I’m starting with the evil colony of Stotto Island. It’s part of this evil thing that’ so evil I can’t explain it.

 

TV Reporter But isn’t that crazy?

 

Goba No, we’ll put mad people in prison. Or kill them. How about we kill them in prison? We can islands into prisons, think of all the effiency savings!

 

TV Reporter How