Demons in Our Closets, Kayla Stiles [primary phonics .txt] 📗

A Great Woman

A Great Woman

2/21/14

 

A Tribute to my Oma, Carol Jean Eknes.

 

Oma. My dear Oma.

I just got the devastating news.

I’m so sorry, sweet Oma, that I

Didn’t get the chance to spend more time with you.

I’m sorry that I didn’t get to

See you more often, tell you how much you mean to me.

Truth be told, I love you Oma.

 I always have. I may have been shy at our first few meetings.

But, as time progressed, I felt that connection with you

Snap into place and bind itself tightly.

You and Opa were the only ones in your family who truly accepted

My mom, my brother and I.

Truly accepted us into your family.

Even after the divorce between your son and my mom,

You still considered us part of the family,

And still continued to care about us and love us.

You were always there, and now, you’re not.

You were diagnosed with brain cancer a few months ago.

They treated you, performed the surgery to remove the tumor.

They thought they’d gotten it in time and freed you

Of the cancer’s deadly grasp.

Guess not…

Mom came in to my room today,

Told me the terrible news.

You have 2 weeks to 2 months left to live.

And, though she has your room number,

Mom doesn’t want to go to the hospital to see you,

For fear of you not even remembering us at all.

Oma! I love you! I’m so sorry!

I’m so sorry…. I love you… </3

The Darkness Lies Within

The Darkness Lies Within

By Kayla Stiles

2/24/14

 

Trees thrashing amongst one another,

Crashing into each other,

Bashing their fellow kin with thorned fingers.

The sky overcast and blackened

By the angry clouds rushing in,

Crowding together to conceal

That brilliant blue ceiling above,

That which was just there moments before.

Hiding the golden yellows, ruby reds,

Tabby oranges, and royal purples

Entailing the comings and goings of the sun.

The sun! Where is the sun?!

That burning ball of white flame

Lies in hiding, just below

The crest of the green mountain tops.

The wind, oh how it howls!

Oh! How it moans and groans

As the trees tear one another apart.

Suddenly, the clouds part,

The golden rays of heavenly light peak through.

The wind slows to a soft breeze.

But then the clouds darken.

That wonderful ray of light disappears,

Once again suffocated by the clouds.

Then, those great puffy clouds finally burst,

And begin to sob.

The rain slams into the earth.

The breeze turns the land

Into a giant wind tunnel.

Trees uproot themselves,

The wind screams with rage,

And all the while the sky continues to cry.

And so it goes on.

The wind screaming, the trees thrashing,

The sky sobbing in great torrents.

When the fight concludes,

The sky clears, the wind stops,

And the torn and tattered trees stop their quarrelling.

All is at peace, it seems.

But not for long.

No, not for long.

Feelings (First Version- Will edit later)

Feelings

3/20/14

6:00 AM

 

You wanted me to see a psychologist for my problems.

Well what about YOUR problems?!

Your severe trust issues, your insecurity, and your doubt in everyone!

And don’t say it’s because of Dad.

He’s already told me you’ve had these issues

Since before you two started getting close.

You deny that you ever called me worthless.

We both know that that’s a lie.

You called me worthless that day at Aunt Marie’s,

The last day of my Junior year of high school.

You constantly berate me, tear me down bit by bit.

You say that I should have more self-confidence.

Well, how can I when you’re always telling me

That I don’t do anything, that I’m just a lazy bitch?

How can I have self-confidence when you always tell me

That I’m basically useless, worthless, a pig, a slob, etc??

You don’t really always say those exact words,

But I swear you’re thinking them.

You say that I need help, that I’m messed up.

That I’m afraid of everything.

You make fun of my deathly terror of driving

And make it seem like I’m just a joke.

That’s all you see me as: a joke.

My problems don’t matter to you.

My insecurities don’t matter to you.

All you ever seem to think about those things is: “Grow the fuck up”.

The only problems and insecurities that matter to you

Are yours and William’s.

You take everything- your rage, depression, etc.- out on me. Why?!

Just because I’m the oldest?!

I don’t care how many times people say that life isn’t fair.

How you treat me isn’t fair.

You don’t see it.

How could you? You’re the one doing it.

But Sheri always noticed it as well.

And I’ve lived with it for years.

You ALWAYS favored William over me.

Ever since the divorce between you and dad.

He’s always been the favorite child,

The precious little angel who’s going to do great things.

And what am I exactly?

I might as well be a slimy, oozing, pus-filled chasm of a monster.

That’s how I feel.

I feel like I’m about 2 inches tall compared to William in your eyes.

You may say that you brag about me to your coworkers and such.

But what you say to others, and how you treat me at home,

Are two totally different things.

William is your precious God child.

I’m just The Other Child.

I’m just that one girl that sits in the back of the room,

Hidden behind your son’s glory.

You always wanted me to talk about how I feel,

Even though you always get upset when I do.

Well here it is, all laid out for you.

I feel worthless, hideous, disparaged, useless, pathetic, unworthy, and justifiably hurt.

No matter what I do, no matter how hard or how little I try,

It’s NEVER good enough for you.

EVER!!!!!!

It’s always William this and William that.

He’s your little angel sent from Heaven.

And I’m just the demon spawn that you wish to cast out.

I’m that unwanted piece of filth that you wish to toss in the trash.

You wanted how I feel, and this is it!

I don’t feel loved anymore!!!!!!!!

I mean, I do at times, but there are so many other times

Where all I get is this cold, piercing look from you

That tells me that I’m not good enough for you.

And I think I finally realize why, too!

It’s because I’m a Daddy’s Girl.

Always have been.

It’s because I’m a lot like Dad and you hate it so much.

You thought that talking shit about him

All these years would get me to hate him, too.

It worked for a bit, I’ll give you that.

But then I GREW UP,

And I realized that harboring hatred and anger

For 15 YEARS is unhealthy and

Will only kill me faster and

Cause me unwanted and unneeded pain.

I don’t hate him anymore,

Because I actually grew up and stopped making it about me.

You hurt him a lot too, you know.

It wasn’t just you who was hurting.

Another thing: he didn’t cheat on you.

Didn’t steal William and I away on multiple occasions

In the middle of the night, like you said he did.

He did that ONCE, and you never even

Came to see us that week that we were at the motel.

You had every chance to see us.

And you didn’t.

You refused to talk anything out with Dad.

You were always so angry after the divorce,

And it wasn’t just because of Dad.

It takes 2 to Tango.

It’s not just a solo job, like you made it seem.

Also, you say it’s none of my business

For a lot of things, such as what happened in yours and Dad’s marriage.

I’m sorry, but you are my PARENTS,

And I believe that I’m entitled to know

The WHOLE truth and nothing but the truth.

You want to know something?

Dad only talks about your wrongs-doings

In conversational terms.

You, on the other hand, like to talk trash about him, use it as a weapon,

Make him seem like a villain.

He’s not. Nowhere near being a villain.

If he were, he wouldn’t want to spend time with William and I.

I know why you detest me.

I grew up to be a lot like my father.

15 years gone and counting,

And you STILL harbor deep hatred and anger

For the man I call “Dad” and whom I love

Despite all the smack you talk about him.

THAT’S why you detest me.

Because I remind you so much of the man you, for some reason, despise.

I’m not YOU! Nor do I want to be!

And that irks you the most.

I may look like you, but I sure as hell do NOT have your personality traits.

I love you, mom. I really do.

But you REALLY need to get your bearings and learn to forgive and forget.

Just give up on all this held-in rage and hatred.

Give it all up.

Because, until you can learn to do that and move on with your own life in a happier tone,

You’ll only run the risk of a relapse, causing another heart attack.

Also, you run the risk of losing Al, ruining the great things you have going for you.

Until you can MOVE ON,

You’ll only be causing yourself unwarranted anguish and anger,

And you’ll only cause a relapse.

You say William and I are stressing you out and

Will cause you to have another heart attack.

Bullshit! The only reason you’ll relapse

Is because you don’t know how to STOP, LIVE HAPPILY, AND RELAX.

You don’t know how to drop the past, bury the damn hatchet,

And MOVE ON!

I know you’ve heard me say this final part before, but I’ll say it again

Because it’s how I feel.

Sorry that I’m not your perfect child.

Sorry that I didn’t turn out the way YOU wanted me to.

 Sorry I’m not YOU!

Her Body So Close to Mine

Her Body so Close to Mine

4/23/14

By Kayla Stiles

 

There’s this girl. No. Not a girl. A young woman.

The most marvelous and wonderful young woman

I’ve ever had the blessing to lay eyes on.

She’s so beautiful.

With gorgeous green/hazel eyes

Brimming with love and compassion,

And soft, smooth, short dark hair.

Her voice is that of a soft-spoken angel.

My dear, sweet Angel of Darkness.

Her skin is so smooth, so soft to the touch.

I remember my first intimate night spent with her.

Her gentle hands trailing softly over my skin,

Tenderly, with the touch of a dear loved one.

Her fingers lovingly caressing my curves,

Sending delicious chills through my spine.

Her delicious lips pressed to mine,

Exploring my body so tenderly.

I remember feeling her baby-soft