Fe, Rebekah Brewer [chrome ebook reader .txt] 📗

Stricken by an image
a black gorge
ugly, thick shadows
the very same untouched
by pure moonlight
creeping from the gorge

There are two sides
to this gorge
no middle
for the idle ones
just two opposing sides
The Lord and Satan
Nephi and his elder brothers
God's way and the world's way
myself and fears

The question is asked everyday
in Seminary
as someone gives devotional
Who would you like to spend
fifteen minutes with
dead or alive?
I have always thought
my little brother
born dead
whom I knew nothing about
until about four years ago
---to be more exact
my ind erased the memory

As I spend time reading the scriptures
--My goal:
to read the Old Testament
the New Testament and the Book of Mormon-- by Christmas
I am struck by the strength of Samson

My mind floats on this
I have never known
such strength
always considering myself weak
despite what others have told me
I am weak
in need of change
of betterment
To be taught
how to forgive
to let go of this grudge
to forget my biological father
so he can not drag me down
by my hate for him
by his words that I 'ran scared'
to my grandparents

For a few years now
I have been obsessed with death
lost in my anger and hate
God says the one who doesn't forgive
is the one who will be punished
I honestly never thought that
Was that why
my father never listened
never cared?
Even when I thought
that death would be better?

So long lost
it took a song
devoted to God
to open my eyes
to pull me away from my blade
Why would realizing
as a sixteen year old
that I'm not loved
pull me away from physical death?

I don't understand
what kept me going
or why the image of the gorge just now
made me cry
or why
after so very long
I'm reaching for God again

I've known fear
fear of the sharp blade
fear of sensuality
fear to trust
Yet the sudden image made me question:
Which side am I on?
I've never known certainty
until free to think for myself
I can love
I can be better
but not on my own

So my choice
for my chance to answer that question in Seminary
is Jesus Christ
so I can ask the Lord
if I'm truly worth the fight
even though I forsook my life
my God
my standards
Am I as little worth as I felt
living with my father and his wife?
or is it just as my Young Women leaders said:
I'm going to go places
I'm worth more than the scars
on my heart
and my skin

I honestly
truly
believe

I know
that there is something more
out there
after death
I can't nor will not accept
that we live to die
with nothing else
To die for what?
no matter how we leave this life
someone will hurt
from loss
some even from not knowing

I can not change the vast majority
but they do not intimidate me
to not write these words
words that are true
that I wrote
while crying

I know this world
for the cavities like Las Vegas
and the beauty
of the small town
I can barely remember
and possibly
doesn't really exist anymore

Seventeen years of living
and I've heard a lot of advice
like not to fear the future (Elder Boyd K. Packer)
that our generation faces the worst yet (Sister Peterson)
but the one I've loved the most
that helped the most:
to create happier memories
to keep living (Bradley Lewis)

One thing I know the Lord taught
the importance of families
I would never remember that
if I never met the one person
who taught me to love
after my abandonment of emotions
Because of him
I felt I needed God
but it wasn't him that told me
what I've come to cherish most
next to knowing he loves me
I've personally watched
my family fall apart
I spent years blaming my dad
but hating my mom
for kicking me out at thirteen
My dad is truly at most to blame for the divorce
for lies tear things apart
'Families don't break in a day
Fathers don't break in a day'
(Slow Fade by Casting Crowns)

To forgive
I can do for most
My elder brother saved me
by those cherished words
I love him despite his faults
same for my older sister
and my other older brother
They aren't perfect
They're worse than me
besides my cutting and hypocrisy
but I love them still
And it leads me to believe
that the little piece I've been through
God wanted that trial for me

It reminds me of a value experience
Individual Worth
Experience seven
Heavenly Father has given you special gifts
Away from my father
from being forced to participate
in church and what I consider too holy for me
I am now of the Laurel Presidency in my ward
First counselor
though I keep thinking Second
Before
I was Choir Director
first Assistant
but our Choir Director left
and no one was called before I left
It was the only time
besides being a YCL
that I felt needed
but I'm blessed with two camps
in my last year (6th year)

The first
with the Stake I've known
but detested for their cocky rich kid attitudes
I came to love them
after two years
to be proud of our tiny first years
who dared by lifting a tree
so they can have a full camp experience
I didn't think I affected anyone
I chose only to go with my best attitude
anticipating that camp as my last
I love Camp Kolob so very much
through honesty and crying fully for the first time in front of a group
(scarier than a solo!)
I did what I use to think was impossible for me
to trust and love them

Instead of going to Texas
the fear of how bad things will be
with my father
I got to move into a new stake
a smaller one
but the most welcoming
with smiles and immediate acceptance
Camp Stimson was fun with them
I barely even knew them
but quite a few claimed me as their sister
There
with these new girls
I think that's when I came to fully accept God
Especially with my talk
for the Spiritual Walk

Each of us
with our chosen topics
had something dark to share
that, in my opinion, turned into something beautiful
I never gave a talk at camp
let alone a testimony
but my testimony was on music

I am a lover of music
have seen its beauty
and wanted so much to share
and started the walk
by singing Honest (We Believe 2011, Jenny Phillips)
We Seek After These Things, our camp song
inspired me with the last Stake
but Honest was my guideline
and I wanted so much
to share with all of them--
the younger girls barely starting
as well as the adults
that might not know suffering like I
or the others did
that music can save
as well as destroy
Music saved me
brought me back
as a non-believer
as President Day of Red Rock Stake said
'The older you girls get,
the more that fall away.'

It was that that made me wonder
why was I still there?
I loved camp
but why go
why fight so much to go
if I don't believe in God?

Another song that reflected that-
the doubt of my worth
is Happily Ever After
I heard it
always reminded of the beautiful girl
that stayed at camp
despite a fever of over 100
just so she could sing her part

I wish no one knew
how I felt
that hopelessness
and feeling like they're truly forsaken
but I know I'm not alone
The cause is never the same (It's never the cause)
but that feeling
it chokes and suffocates
any will
but it can't kill hope thoroughly

In all honesty,
I truly hope that this is read
and in hopes that it is
by an outside point of view
that doesn't know me
as everyone who does already thinks I'm weird
but maybe somewhere
on the other side of the world
someone that may know that feeling
where you cry
because you can't meet the expectations
facing daily a force
that can be mental, verbal, or physical--
I have heard mental is the worse of the three forms--
but you float day to day
feel you are truly better off dead
that no one will care
nor miss you
I can testify to you that you would be absolutely amazed

Ever since my two years
of wanting to just kill myself
I have only wanted to help others
I lived for four years
being there for others
because you can't run on anger or hatred for long
It's really hard

I would be the first to tackle hug
if I could
It's actually fun
letting go, forgetting the pains
just never forget who you are
because that's why people try to destroy you
to destroy who you really are
to conform you to this world
that is more messed up than in the past

I wish
that I could form my thoughts just right
to tell you that you are wrong
you are not better off dead
someone will care
someone will miss you
It took my best friend
to tell me how harsh I speak
It took my brother
to tell me to create happier memories
since that's what he did
when his wife left him
and it seemed impossible to keep moving
I was only terrified
by how much I was cutting
with no control
only wanting more
but that fear broke me
and I cried a second time that day
after calling my mom
after at least two years

But think this:
why are you still going on to another day?
Not to die
but think of what it is
that's keeping you on through the night
to see daylight
No matter the force
hope is impossible to kill
because even in suicide
there is hope
of freedom of the worldly pains

I believe
just as Christ is our Savior
that we will never truly be
forsaken
or alone
that hope will always burn
as long as we live
since past the veil
we will know
instead of rely on faith--
as our ultimate trial

I lay these words
my thoughts
and confided trials
to rest
and use
for any other person who feels the need
You are never going to be alone
no matter what you feel
I say/write these things
in the name of Jesus Christ
our Savior.
Amen.