Changes, India Russell [essential books to read TXT] 📗

As I laid curled on the floor lip busted, blackened eye, and bruised torso I realized that I picked a really messed up life. I didn’t even want to move. I wanted to lay there till I disappeared or worse, till I died. I couldn’t even remember what started this argument. Was it receiving the bank notice in the mail? The dark bottle of cognac that was half empty on the table? Or was it just me? They seem to all run together these days leaving me not realizing which one was worse.

I knew it was time. Its been time for me to leave. I was and still am in an abusive relationships. Dr. Phil says, once you can admit your being abused it’s the first step to healing. For me, it’s the end. I hate to call him a liar but he couldn’t possibly understand how I feel, or what’s going on in my mind at this exact moment. Stupidity, hate, anger, sadness and selflessness. I know its up to me. I need to change my life and change the situation. But how?

I struggle to find the perfect balance between myself and the wall. So much pain runs through my body. I can now imagine what football players feel. The only good thing missing is the pads. I now feel so alone wanting someone to appear understanding my pain. This wasn’t the first time but it damn sure wouldn’t be the last. Not if things did not change. Why do I keep returning to this word?

I develop enough courage to look at myself in the mirror. As I stare at my face I watch the tears fall from my eyes. I look like something out of a horror movie. Makeup smeared cheeks red and swollen. it’s a wonder that I am alive. Did I truly deserve this? Does anyone truly deserve this? What would make a full grown man beat a woman like a dog? Let me think… It was his changes.

Iraq played a crucial role on my marriage and I can honestly say it wasn’t the best. I would tell him over and over to help me understand what he deals with but it seems things just get worse and worse. His temper, his attitude and now the way he looks at me. His whole mind has changed and he no longer loves me. He couldn’t beat me and love me, it just cant be possible.

I leave out my room walk down the hall and open a door. I walk in the room and look in my daughters crib. She was still asleep. Thank God she didn’t hear all that screaming and yelling. I open her closet and pull out her suitcase. It’s time. She is the reason why I need to change and leave.

Publication Date: 11-15-2010

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