Behind the Tainted mask, Amber [different ereaders TXT] 📗

Behind the Tainted Mask
Behind the tainted mask I hide, free to do or say as I will. People see my mask from a far and their recognition flares in their glances and whispers. They see my mask and think me impudent and cruel. No one converses with me, no not even a friendly nod to acknowledge my existence. They merely turn away and leave me to wonder about alone.

It is easy to see why they do not associate with such a mask, as it is cruel and wields a venomous tongue and taunting laugh, with eyes that pierce the soul with great force. But this mask was not always there. There was a time when I did not have to wear such a wicked cover-up. I used to laugh freely, and had not a care in the world. There seemed to be comforting days all the time that I never wanted to end. It was always so easy to trust.

But when you love someone who seems like a good person, whether it is a friend or romantic love, it is very easy to be hurt. And when you are hurt by these ones you called your friend or love, your world divides and crashes all around you. You put up walls and block out everyone and every thing. Everything turns to grey ashes, no life or substance. You lock yourself away, and swallow the key, so as to never come out again. And all you have left is a hideous mask. It makes you feel like you can do anything to anyone. The hurt and betrayal concealed within becomes twisted and turns to rage and spite. Anyone or anything will make you become insulting, lashing out, and filled with pure blooded hate.

But I find solace in my loneliness. In this vacant sanctuary, I am free to dispose of the tainted mask that suffocates me. I am alone to contemplate, to find a way to once again be the woman that was filled with life. She is deep down inside of me, but still wants out. Until then, when I am in a crowd of strangers and a few familiar faces, I am forced to hide behind the tainted mask.


Epiphany
What have you done?! look at her heart! you've shattered it in your carelessness, as if it were glass. You shelfish man! Your nothing but a greedy, empty minded soul! No one will be as heartless and cold as you are. When she's gone, you will have no one. They will leave you to die alone in the dark.

And she bleeds. But sadly, she bleeds love for you. Why?! You don't deserve her! I've tried to protect her, take her away to a safe place. But she humbly refuses. She says she must stay. She says she will never love another. It pains me because you've done this. She gives you unending affection, and you choke the life in her. You ignorant bastard! all you do is drown out the light in her! She's consumed by fear and sadness, and you merely laugh.

And what of the boy? You doubt his ability to become a man, and you tell him that. all the time, as if it were a silly joke. You hit him, making him bleed and fume with hate so that he stands to fight back, and then you throw him to the floor again, and I see that this makes you smile. This boy trys to console the woman you hurt, telling her that he is fine, and that you didn't hurt him. But those words are empty lies. He is bleeding, inside and out.

And the little girl, who used to hug you every chance she got saying, "I love you Daddy." You told her she would never be good enough. You doubted her as you doubted your son. You crushed her fragile heart like you crushed your wife's. You struck her with no regrets, no sympathy, and no feelings. She bled, and did not know why. All she ever did was love her father. Do you feel like a bigger man now? Is this what you wanted? You drowned her in a deep sadness, one that everyone feared she would not pull out of.

But, I have pulled out of it. You didn't win. You lost...everything. Respect, love, and your family. And in turn, you gave me strength. I am now a strong woman, as my brother has become a strong man. we've become far more than you could have ever imagined. Mother has become more distant from you, as she should have long ago. It angers you, but it amuses us. You're feeling powerles now, are you not? You've lost your control over your 'possessions', and now, bitterness and jealousy are eating you alive from the inside out, making you rot. You're grabbing at strings made of nothing, and now you've come to your end.

And for all of this, I thank you. You have made me what I am. You gave me a reason to not give up. You made it all a challenge, but I've over come it. You made it painful, but as I've heard, what doesn't kill me makes me stronger. I wish you would have left mother and my brother alone. They are far too important to me to have taken all that you have given them. they did not deserve that treatment. But it made them strong as well, so I am happy for that at least. I just want to know. Why? Why did you treat everyone else in the world like people, but you treated us like outcasts? Why did you have to be so cruel for so long? Even though I am a good person now, you still look for the worst in me. Why? I wish this could have all been different, but I would not be who I am today. And that is my epiphany.


I Can
I can’t make the rain stop, but I can offer you shelter.
I can’t make all the pain go away, but I can comfort you.
I can’t make the moon come out, but I can light a candle for you.
I can’t make the flowers bloom, but I can paint a picture of many colors for you.
I can’t make the birds sing, but I can sing a song for you.
I can’t be your mother, but I can be your sister.
I can’t make you be happy forever, but I can love you forever.
I can make you angry, but I can make you laugh too. I can make you lost, but guide you to your destination as well. I can be a cousin, but I can also be a friend.


Wonderland
Is any one there? Can you hear me scream? I’m falling down into this frightening dream.
I don’t know how I got here, or why this dream is black, but I will search for a way out. I’ve got to get back.
The air is chilling, the sky is gloomy; the ground is frozen. But look! Flowers are blooming!
Birds fly through the air, but are constructed of nothing but bone; the trees are waving in the wind, but are made of stone.
The water is dark green, which means that it’s cold. And the leaves on the stone trees are turned for rain, or so I’m told.
I peer into the distance and see something small and white, maybe a pile of snow, or roses to my delight.
But as I approach closer, it is merely a white rabbit, cautious and panicked, presumably out of habit.
It pulls out a watch, and checks the time, mumbles something, and steals the curiousness of mine.
He darts away, shouting at how late he is for an important date, as I run behind yelling ‘Wait! Wait for goodness sake!’
But he disappears into a dark forest without a trace of fear, as I stand there thinking, I shouldn’t even be here.
But my curiosity gets the best of me, as I stumble over rocks, push through bushes, and walk around rough hard trees.
I go down a hole in the ground and fall into a place that is grand. Why, I do believe I’ve found Wonderland!
The white rabbit is not too far off, as I chase after him, to wheeze, hack and cough.
I follow him to a small opening in more inviting woods, to find two funny twins, who are such little fools.
They give me riddles and they give me rhymes, but I still feel very pressed for time.
I tell them that I must be leaving to follow the white rabbit that is so fast, but they tell me a great deal of time has gone and already passed.
I still manage to slowly get away, leaving them to argue over who will tell a story better any day.I travel on and look up to see on limb a smiling row of teeth. Who could it be?
Well, the Cheshire Cat obviously. He tells me to go this way and that. Well darn that old cat!
He’s finally shown me the right way, as he slowly fades and disappears; clearly he won’t stay.

I go a little further and come upon a tea cup covered table, just like it’s always told so in the fable.
Sitting at the left is the silly march Hare, and off to the right, Maliumpkin giving me a quirky stare.
And of course at the end, my favorite who is a ball, The Mad Hatter himself, pins, thimbles and all.
They invite me to tea, but I respectfully decline, as I must find the rabbit. It’s a matter of time.
They offer to help, so gladly I accept; so the whole journey they are on my every step.
We come upon a castle drenched with dark red, little birds lying around, all gone and dead.
I swallow hard and afterwards breathe deep, because I’m really afraid of what I’ll meet.
We enter the gates where the white rabbit ran, and suddenly I see her; there she stands.
She demands everyone be off with their head, as I press forward alone without my friends.
She spots me and bellows to her card guards of red “Grab her and take her to the chop block. Off with her head!”
I scream and cry out as they drag me away, flailing my arms like the tree branches in the wind sway.
Tears of fear and sadness spill from my eyes, but wait! There’s something bright and white.
The hatter, the hare, and little Maliumpkin too, found the white rabbit and all came to my rescue.
I am free and they stall the queen for just a little while, long enough for me to escape, quick as a crocodile.
I run and run until I can go no more, and suddenly I wake up, lying on my bedroom floor.
I sit up slowly, gasp and begin to cry, for they all saved me and I didn’t get to say thank you, not even goodbye.
But I think about it all the more anyway, because I will go back someday.
I’ll follow the white rabbit down the hole to the place so grand, again I will find wonderland.