Cried, lies and goodbyes, W Jones [chromebook ebook reader .txt] 📗

I’ve always wished I weren’t so good at lying.

Just so I can have a taste of knowing someone actually cares.
Sometimes I think they know, they just don’t care.
Imagine going to sleep at night wanting to end it all, but being afraid to.
It’s like wanting to end it, but being scared to go through with it.
I have tried many times, but for some reason I can’t seem to do it.
But the amount of pain I feel, makes me numb.
I don’t know if I’m making any sense but it’s true.
Who knew picking up that small blade and doing so much damage?
Is it normal to hurt yourself that much you begin not to feel?
Everybody lies, just some people are better at it.
Now you get the people who tell little lies like I’m fine when they have just fell over and hurt themselves.
Then you get the people who say I’m fine when they are going through so many emotions but still feels numb.
We all lie, just some wish it was a reality.

 
Can’t you hear my silent wails?
Can’t you see the hurt in my eyes?
Of course not.
Sometimes it gets the best of me.
Sometimes I can’t cry at all.
Sometimes I cry over small things.
I cry most nights as I remember the past that haunts me.
The flashbacks, the words, the taunts and missing myself.
Those are just a few things that make me cry.
The thing that gets me the most is missing the person I used to be.
Happy.
Stable.
And just me.
I’m a whole new person now, I lose myself a little more each night as I leave myself sitting alone in the darkness with a river slowly flowing out of me and scars upon my skin.
Let’s hope I feel better.

I think of all the goodbyes I say everyday.
I say I love you the most.
That’s the biggest goodbye of all.
You see, I only say I love you to people around me because I never know if that’s the last time they will hear it from me.
I may not say goodbye directly but I say it in other ways.
I think about all the goodbyes I’ve said to people and what it’d actually mean to them if it was the last thing they heard of me.
I think about it at night, when I’m alone.
When I’m sat there thinking did I say enough goodbyes today to finally go?
It’s never enough.
I think about how much it’d hurt my mother to never see me pretending I’m happy, you see in her eyes nothing is wrong.
I think about my father wishing he weren’t so hard on me or that he didn’t tell me he loved me enough.
I think about my siblings feeling bad for all the things the taunted me about.
These things stop be from going.
I never want them to feel the way I do.
To regret so many moments of their lives.
For them to not to look both ways when crossing a road, because they don’t care about the consequence.
For them to not get out of bed for days on end.
For them to feel more alone in a room full of people than when they do in a room only with the darkness.
For them not to care about brushing their hair or shaving their legs or even just going to school or work.
So I’m going to start looking both ways.
I’m going to stop regretting everything I did.
I’m going to get out of bed even if I don’t want to.
I’m going to get out more and try to communicate instead of hiding away.
I’m going brush my hair, shave my legs and go to school.
Because nobody deserves to go through the pain and loneliness I’m going through.

-Whitney

Publication Date: 01-08-2018

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