Why do you hate me?, John Cesar [popular e readers txt] 📗

Table of Contents

Why do you hate me? (6)

Metamorphosis (7)

Pop (11)

You said (13)

My Surrender (15)

Home (19)

Hope (21)

Sorrow (23)

Missing You (25)

Time (27)

Letter (29)


Why do you hate me


Why do you hate me?

Is it because you know I'm always going to be there? To cry on, to use, to violate and destroy my motivation to change my fate.

Why do you hate me?

Is it because when this man that was supposed to be our role model left us and I decided to love you in his place; gave you the love I never had.

Why do you hate me?

Is it because I allowed you to release your hurt on me and I did nothing but absorb it; sheltered you from consequence; and felt you could do no wrong.

Cause when you drink to make things go away, I can't do that. Your hate destroyed me: broken beyond repair, the foundation is too tender due to my tears.




Metamorphosis


I can no longer live....

I transformed into this fiend I never wanted to become.

Everything I once enjoyed feels meaningless.

Life is so numb...

When I saw you walking towards my vehicle,

This beast was awoken from his slumber.

The demon only attacks its creator.

And when I told you that “I hate you”,

It wasn’t me...

It was your creation, your creature.

When I uttered those words...

How did it feel?

Matter of fact don’t answer.

Don’t lie you m*ther f*cker.

I can read it in your face.

Your eyes became watery.

A tight curl of your fist.

Grinding of your teeth,

As my words penetrated through your heart.

Not knowing...

Someone you thought would always be there for you,

Finally gave up on you like your father.

Gave you a hand...

Support...

And asked for nothing.

But love was something I would never receive.

So when “I hate you” comes out of my mouth...

It means...

Don’t return!

You don’t exist anymore,

Nor is your presence is needed.

You hurt...

But I feel nothing.

I am sorry little brother.

I will always love you.

But I spoke to this monster

And it said...

“A victim you shall be no more”.

Oh God...

What have I done?


I am corrupted.




Pop


Pop not home.

Pop came home.

Everyone out of his way,

Anger in his tone.

At an early age
Saw my pops hit my mom for no reason.

Laying on the floor
After that ass beating.

Not moving,
I hope she is sleeping.

Tried to wake her up,
But looks like she’s deep in.

Out of the hospital;
She’s done with all her treatment.

Took her anger out on us
Because she couldn’t defeat him.

After years of abuse,
He’s finally leaving.

Left us broken,
Never complete again.


You Said

You said you love me.

Always said you don’t
Because you gave up on me.

You said you love me.

Tried to reassure me
That you’d be there
Whenever I cried.

Well I’m doing it now,
And you’re not here.

You never loved me!

It was just an infatuation.

Don’t you see?

When you’re in that mode...


There is no patience.


My Surrender


“I am a man who needs help”,

The first thought that came in my head
As I stand outside.

Fall is here.
Wondered if I would finish this year.

Slowly looked up to see if the sky was crying,
As a small wet particle ran down my face.

Just to find out it was me.

What am I doing?

Taking off every piece of clothing that is covering me...

Here I stand naked
With nothing to live for.

God, if there is a place for me, I shall come soon.

If not...

Then a slave I remain.

The prayer is over.

One step…

Damn,this water is cold.

Two steps…

Goosebumps forming all over my body.

Three, then four…

Am I sure?
Is it air I don’t want anymore?

Five, then six…

Eight feet in.

Water everywhere surrounds me.

I don’t know how to swim.

So this should me easy.

Here it comes…

Gasping for air...

Only to find out I get water instead.

Lungs fill with fluid

As I sink...

Fading in and out.

Within less than ten minutes...

I am free,

I am gone.

Do you see my hand?

I was not reaching for help.

Just thought…

Before I go…


I had one last chance to love myself.


Home

When I was home...

It wasn’t the blanket that kept me warm.

When we all are in the kitchen...

Laughing,

Enjoying our times together.

That was my blanket.

When I was home...

Hunger was never an issue.

Eating together as a family again.

Nothing else mattered.

Now I am homeless….

Spend days by myself….

Days turn to years...

Enjoyment to tears...

And courage to fears.

Today I have nothing.

I am homeless no more…


I am free!


Hope


I thought my life was worthless…

One person in this world that was a waste.
Why do I still exist in this place?

Everywhere I go the sky is grey.
Don’t even hear what you have to say.

Sad…

One sign!

Please.

I beg of you father.

Just one!

Today was the day I was looking for.

Was told that whether or not I was physically there,

I would still be loved.

Thank you little sister.


I needed that so much.


Sorrow


I know you saw my hurt.

Trying so hard to start a conversation
Whenever you see me.

I am hurting...

So much…

The fact I can’t tell you how much I love you.

Missed you so dearly.

You know I am hurting...

Noticing how swollen under my eyes became.

Depression written all over my face.

Hurting so much...

The fact I can’t tell you
I’m dead internally.

That the only way I can be reincarnated...

Is your love.


Just your love…


Missing You

I know that you miss me.

Even though when I was there
You would tell me to leave.

Now that I am gone...

You want me back.

I know you miss me.

Wanting my attention…

Just one look your way,

As I return to retrieve my belongings.

Sorry to say...

I can’t come back at this moment.

I’m still hurt…


My heart aches.


Time

If I could rewind time…

It would be the day you gave birth to me.

For that’s when I was loved

That’s one time I would cherish
And hold so tight.

Please rewind…

I don’t want to hurt anymore.

Cry...

God,

Just that time….

When she looked at me with joy.

Sick and I was taken care of.

Fed when I was hungry.

I hate that I can’t rewind time...

Because we don’t talk anymore.

Feelings change.

If that time was given to me again…


I would still be alive.
.


Letter

Dear Father,

How are you?

At this moment it scares me that I am this polite.

Very sorry I disgusted you.

So much….
That leaving became an option.

Enjoy your life father.
We know that you are much happier.

Success seems to follow you…
Sadness behind I.

Before I die father…
Just wish we would be one again.

Until then…
Wish you good health.


God forgive our sins.

Publication Date: 01-07-2010

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